Brokeback Mountain: A Quick Review

Watched Brokeback Mountain at the cinema last night…

It was one of the most thought provoking movies I have watched in ages. It is one of those movies that linger on in your mind, while you walk out of the cinema, and even when you wake up the next morning. The type of movies that you think about the details and discover things that you never appreciated until that very moment…

If Ang Lee’s objective was to make people more aware of what gays truly go through and make us appreciate the fact that it’s not their fault – they did not choose to be this way, but they are just this way… then, he definitely succeeded. 

Well, to put it very briefly, the movie is about two gay cowboys. They met through a summer job, looking after sheep in Brokeback Mountain . They never knew they were gays till then. After that summer, they went separate ways… starting their own families – getting married and having kids. They rekindled their romance 4 years later, and continued their relationship over the next 20 years.

I will not go into too many details as I do not want to spoil it for those of you who are planning to watch it. For those of you who are thinking whether to catch it, all I can say is… it definitely deserve those 4 Golden Globe Awards.

Well, some people might find it difficult stomaching some of the intimate scenes… Jamie was trying to look anywhere but the screen at those moments. I can imagine why – it happened to me a couple of months ago, when we were on the bus home. There were two schoolgirls making out right in front of me and I was just squirming and trying to look somewhere else.

Anyway, apart from that… it’s a fantastic and thought-provoking movie! So go and catch it if you can.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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A Matter of Trust

The weirdest thing happened today.

Someone called the office, and spoke to one of my dating consultants.

"My boyfriend B is a member of yours. He would like to put his membership on hold. He's too busy to call, that's why I am calling on his behalf."

"I am sorry but may I know who this is on the line?"

"My name is G."

"Are you a member of ours?"

"No."

"I am sorry but I am not able to assist you. If a member would like to put his or her membership on hold, he or she must call us directly to do so."

Ok, couple of minutes later, B called up.

"I am calling with regards to my girlfriend's call.

So, we assisted B to put his membership on hold. Then 10 minutes later, G called again. 

"So, has my boyfriend called you?"

I don't know about you, but I found the entire incident absolutely bizarre. It seems to me that G is quite insecure? Or G just does not trust B? Trust is such a big issue in a relationship. How do we learn to trust? Especially if we have had a horrid experience! Jamie told me that I took a long time to finally trust him. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me. As a result, I find it difficult to trust men. It does not help that I know of many people who has cheated on their girlfriends or wives. Hence, I am always weary of girls that he hangs out with or girls that call him out. Especially during the long distance part of our relationship, I think I almost went crazy.

It is difficult for a relationship to grow if there's no trust. Yet how do we increase trust? For example, how can I trust Jamie more? Do I enforce that he does not meet up with other women? Or do I enforce that he must tell me about his every move? I mean if he does it out of his own initiative, that's great! But I should not enforce it on him. In spite of what we think, or what we wish, we cannot "own" another person. Even someone who is married has the right to make his or her own choices.

We can't make him/her do anything. We can only look for trust within ourselves. We need to see things from a different perspective – that only I can be in control of MYSELF. I cannot be in control of someone else's life. We can't place our well-being in someone else's hands. We cannot live thinking, "I will be happy if he does this or if he does not do that." Taking responsibility for our own actions empowers us. Trying to make others responsible burdens us.

Back to my story, I learnt to trust again. Because I realized that it was not fair that I blame Jamie for all the other people's shortcomings. I should take responsibility for my relationship, and I decided to judge him based on who he is and has been to me, rather than my past experiences. Learning to trust is not easy. But at least it's better than not trusting. *Share with me your thoughts!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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It’s a Happy Day!

Bday 06 003.jpg

Hiya… very happy today! 🙂

Was telling my colleague… wah, I feel so loved this year… (She said, “You mean you were not loved the years before?” Haha!)

So many birthday wishes! To May, Heng, Lian, Jean, Patt, Joey, Kea, Yin2 who sent me SMS/email greetings… thanks! You girls are the sweetest, thanks for remembering! 🙂

Special mention to my best friend Yi… thanks for the birthday card! Wah!!! It’s so rare to receive a non-virtual card… and my best friend will without fail send me one year after year…!

And of course, my dearest husband… see the roses & iris? 🙂

I am 26 this year… embracing another year of age with hopes, dreams and aspirations! Posted by Picasa

Post Note: Wow… so many birthday wishes this year… after I posted this entry… many more wishes came swarming in… really appreciate you wonderful folks for remembering. Am genuinely touched. 🙂 This really makes me think I should start keeping a birthday list… because sometimes as we get so involved in our own lives, we tend to forget how such a small gesture can make such a big difference to someone’s life. Once again, my dearest friends, thanks a million! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Letting Go and Moving On

Some friends might say… what do you know about letting go? Your life has almost been perfect. Haha… I will not deny that I have not had a rough life compared to some other people. But I have had my fair share of ups and downs. And many a times, I feel that is the way you look at the situation that can change the tide.

“It is not the circumstance that determines your experience in life, but your perspective that does.”

I remember the break-up with my first ex. It was an excruciating experience. I was depressed. My weight plummeted. Well, not such a bad thing I guess. My weight has never gone to that new low ever again. I was moping around so much that my mum was getting worried about me. And seeing her so upset, upset me even further! I even wore one week of ‘black’ to mourn my loss. My goodness, I can’t believe that I did all those things then. But, well – I did. And the thought that I had was, “I don’t think I will ever meet someone who is as good as him.” And I continued to mope.

How did I get out of depression? Wonderful friends help. Meeting new people help.

My second break-up was a lot easier. I still was depressed for a while. But I bounced back quickly. And I remember making a conscious decision of letting go and moving on.

Maybe it is that decision that enables my second ex and I to still be friends. It is also that decision that allowed me to move on to my third relationship and start on a white sheet, with no burdens or baggage.

A couple of days ago, Girlfriend told me she wants to die. She told me she wanted no other than him. She feels terrible.

I told Girlfriend. Perhaps you want to be in this state.

And she said… yes, to a certain extend, she enjoys being in this situation, because by hurting for him, it makes her feel good. Think girlfriend is in no state to move on… because she’s deriving too much pleasure from moping for him. I guess in a way, even by moping for him, she feels closer to him.

I am at a loss of words actually. I did not really know what to say to Girlfriend. Perhaps the only advice I can offer is, the advice I a friend gave me in the past.

It is ok to mope and depressed for a while. Stay as long as you need in “the well”… but not too long because the world is going to pass you by. You might even start to feel very comfortable down there, as you are so used to the darkness and dampness of it all. You might even begin to think what’s so great of the outside world, too bright, too sunny.

But as you see someone dropping you a rope to get you out, maybe it is really time to hold on to the rope, and move on.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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I am a Columnist! Woohoo!

Wow, am so happy today! 🙂 I am now a magazine columnist! This is a first for me! Saw the article in print today. Wow, I almost cannot believe my eyes. The Features Editor CF was so sweet… she brought over a copy of the magazine for me. 🙂

It’s fresh from the oven! If you would like to read my first Relationship Q&A column, go get a copy of March’s Cittabella (Malaysia) today! 🙂

Ok (still smiling), time for bed. Will write again tomorrow… about ‘letting go’.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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It’s the thought that counts!

Valentine’s Day has come and gone.

So how did you celebrate?

V-Day has been said to be too commercialized. Read in the newspapers that someone bought 999 roses for his loved one, and spent close to $10,000 on it! Amazing huh?

So… what did I receive from Jamie? J Well, this is actually quite funny. He actually wanted to surprise me and he ordered flowers for me in Singapore. However, he suddenly realized that I am actually going to be in KL, Malaysia ! Anyway, so he cancelled his order.

No, he did not order flowers in KL. Instead, he bought me a pillow! J It is a really plushy and cushy pillow. On one side, it has a bear holding a heart, and on the other side it says ‘my love’. Haha! When he took it out of his bag and gave it to me, it really put a big smile to my face! J I absolutely love it! Some people might say that I am easily pleased huh?

Talking about this suddenly reminds me of the point system that women keep. Men often think that the bigger the present, or the more the flowers, they would score more points. But actually for women, it’s the frequency that counts. No matter how big the bouquet is, or how expensive the gift is, that is still counted as one.

Strange but true… it is not like once you have bought her a real expensive gift, you do not need to buy her any more gifts for the next two years. Chances are, she rather you get her meaningful gifts, presented at the right moment, throughout the relationship.

I do not remember what the biggest bouquet Jamie bought me is. I cannot even remember some of the gifts that he has bought me for Christmas, Valentines or my birthday. But I do remember those gifts that he bought me out of the blue… a bouquet of flowers to cheer me up, a pink plush toy from 7-Eleven because he thought that would really make me smile, or that story book he penned and illustrated himself.

When it comes to getting gifts for a loved one, as the old saying goes… it is the thought that counts. Not how much it costs, or how big or small it is…

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Happy Valentine’s Day! :)

Hiya!

I know this is kind of belated… but I was just so tired by the time I came home last night, that I just crawled into the arms of hubby and sleep. 🙂

I survived the V-Day challenge! Yay! Even though, I only managed to write 5 out of the 7 Tip or Myth. 🙂

Ok, have to get ready for work now. Will tell you later what hubby got me for V-Day! 😉

Have a glorious day today!

Sincerely, Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Golden Rule of Dating — A girl should NEVER initiate the first date?

Met up with a girlfriend on Sunday and had a fantastic catch up session. At some point or other during our conversation, she asked me, “Hey, so by the way, how did Jamie ask you out on your first date?”

And, I said, “Well, actually, I created the opportunity for him to ask me.”

Tip or Myth #4: Golden Rule of Dating — A girl should never initiate the date. The guy must always make the first move.

Call me strange/weird/unconventional, but I truly believe that a lady should feel comfortable initiating the first date if she wants to.

Of course, I have heard of stories where guys are totally put off by women who make the first move. Be it they are intimidated, or they feel that guys should always do the chasing. Or some even feel that if they get you too easily, they do not appreciate you.

Well, there are certain truths to it of course. Men are born hunters. They would like to pursue and please the lady. Sometimes, we ladies having been so used to ‘fighting’ for what we want in our career, we forget that the men really would like to take the lead. And that is when they call us ‘aggressive’.

Well, back to my story… what I did was, a day after our third encounter, we were actually chatting through ICQ and it was coming to lunch time. What I did was…

I casually asked if he had lunch.

And hence, it gave him the opportunity to ask me out for a lunch date! He did not miss a beat.

“No. Would you like to have lunch together?”

Our first date!

So ladies, the trick here is… provide opportunities. Talk about a movie review you have read, or talk about a concert that is in town. By doing this, you strike a balance of not seeming too ‘forward’ yet giving him just enough hint to indicate your interest.

And guys, for goodness sake, if you are interested in the lady, pick up your courage and ask her out for a date! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Blog Revamp

Spent the last 4 hours working on re-designing the blog! 🙂

Do you like the new look? Well, it’s not as pretty as the last one, with its nice borders. But I like the clean look, and of course, it’s in my signature colour. 🙂 Think this is less cluttered and easier to read.

Ok, taking a break from my PC now. Will be back with the 5th instalment of Tip or Myth!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Who should pay? Always the guy?

A very simple question, yet it can provoke such a myriad of emotions. Yes, the age old question of, “Who should pick up the tab on a first date?”

Tip or Myth #4: If he does not pick up the tab on the first date, he’s not a gentleman, or he’s TOO cheap.

I pity our poor guys. They are completely confused.

Here we are, proud and confident modern working women. We control the boardroom, we clinch the best deal, we outdo the guys in every pitch; well ok… we try. :) 

Gone are the days when we are relegated to the house, while the men enjoy the limelight and get all the glory in the business world. Today, we are women of the world, and we stand up for our rights.

Yet, we lament when the guy do not keep the doors opened for us. We complain when the guy do not offer to give us a ride home. And we scream murder when the guy asks for our share when the bill arrives after the date!

Yes, the guys have a right to be confused. J

Ok guys, I think the ladies are not trying to make your life difficult. And neither are we materialistic or taking you for a ride (well at least most of us are not).

It’s just that if you want us to pay for our share on the FIRST date, and especially the first date, it makes us wonder if you are just supporting sexual equality, or are you just too cheap? And if it’s the latter, it worries us, as we are not sure whether this is a trend set for the future.

Another thing, many ladies actually see this as a barometer of interest. To many ladies, a guy who is trying to impress her, would pay for the first dates.

And to my dear female compatriots, let’s try to understand our poor guys too.

While some might really be too ‘cheap’, i.e. whip out a phone/PDA/calculator to split the bill to the last cent, some really think that it’s normal to “go dutch” on a first date. Look at it this way, at least you will know that he’s a thrifty fellow, and you will always have a roof over your head. J

Ok seriously, it’s always about striking the balance.

Guys, sorry to break the news to you, but most ladies, at least those that I have come across in my 2 years of running Lunch Actually expects the guys to pay for 55-60% of the dates. And seriously, it’s not that they are after your money or they are materialistic. The thing is, ladies still associate paying for a date with your ability or your willingness to take care of them and look after them.

In today’s modern society where most of our ladies are working and earning their own moolah, they would more often than not offer to pay their share or at least offer to buy coffee or the movie tickets. If you have someone who NEVER (the emphasis is NEVER ONCE) offers to pay, then perhaps you should reconsider.

Talking about first dates, I know of ladies who use bill-paying as the yardstick of whether or not to continue to see the guy after the first date. To them, if the guy does not pay for the first date, it’s a NO-NO, a total deal breaker, no matter how the rest of the date went.

And at Lunch Actually, we have even tried to get around this by getting the restaurant to split the bills! No more awkward moments or silence, as to who pays.

Well, to pay or not to pay. It’s only one aspect of the relationship, isn’t it? J

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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