Seeking Perfection?

Have not updated my blog in months. And the significant other has started to nag me. 'When was the last time you blogged?' he asked.

The reason for the lack of blog posts is usually the same. The lack of time. Or more often the lack of inspiration.

And I guess, the truth is…

The strive for perfection.

I am unable to post up a blog post that I do not feel strongly about. In other words, I refuse to write for the sake of writing. Maybe I should. Because then, I would probably have more frequent posts, and more regular readers. 😉

The strive for perfection is also often the bane when it comes to singles looking for a mate.

Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough?

Does he earn enough? Is she slim enough?

Is he really nice? Or is he faking it? Or why is he SO nice? There must be something wrong with him.

And when we finally meet the right person, we realise that, they are not perfect after all. Because we have come to realise that it is not possible to find someone who's perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and more often than not, we have many flaws.

It is better to build a relationship with someone who is 'not so perfect' but whom you love, rather than spend your whole life trying to look for that perfect someone, only to be sorely disappointed to know that he or she does not exist. 

And so, what is the definition of perfect?

After being in a relationship with the significant other for 11 years, and being married for 6 years… I have realised that… life's perfect when you are contented…. and happy. It's all in your state of mind.

When you are feeling fulfilled and blissful, everything is perfect…

You can't search out perfection. Perfection will come searching for you! When you have finally put away your check list syndrome, get rid of your emotional baggage, lower your defences, open up your heart… and go into the relationship with an open mind, and a positive attitude.

All the best in your path to meeting perfection…!

P/S I promise I would work on posting more regularly instead of seeking perfection.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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“My boyfriend has a change of heart…”

Hi Violet,

I came across your blog as I am desperately looking for an answer.  So here’s my story.  My boyfriend and I met at work.  He has recently returned to Singapore while I am staying behind in Hong Kong.  We have been having a long distance relationship for the past six months.  Everything was going very well in spite of the distance.  We were very close and talk to each other often.  We have even made marriage plans for the near future. Then about a month ago, everything changed literally overnight. He refused to talk to me after a minor argument which we could easily work out as a mature couple.  He told me to give him some time which I did.  And a week ago, he decided that we are no long compatible.  Violet, this is very hard for me to believe because he had only reassured his commitment to our relationship just the night before the ‘fight’.  What do you think is going on?  I am heartbroken and devastated.  What is wrong here?  Please help!

-J

Dear J,

Thank you for your letter.

I understand that having invested so much love and time into your relationship with your boyfriend, let’s call him X, you must be really devastated and frustrated with the current situation.

Based on what you have told me, I can’t really point out what is going on because I do not know enough, and I do not know X’s version of the story.

What went wrong? The possibilities are endless. However, one thing I know for sure is… if X had a change of heart, this did not happen overnight. Like you say, you have been sustaining a long distance relationship for 6 months. Things might look well on the surface, but he might have had a tough time trying to keep the LDR going. And when you had that minor argument, however minor, for him, it is the breaking point. Or he might not see the relationship going anywhere as he’s in Singapore and you are in HK. And even though he really IS committed, he just does not see a future.

Bottom line is, there is no point for us to speculate. The best way to know what went wrong is to talk to him. See if there is anything you can both do to work things out.

If he is reluctant to talk, then just move on. There is no point trying to beg him to stay. The more you call him and SMS him, the more you will be seen as ‘lower value’ to him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, and work on being a better and stronger person. And by then who knows? He might be the one coming back to beg for your forgiveness. And it will then be up to you whether you still want him back.

I know things are not going to be easy. In these times, support from friends would be most important. Hang out with your girlfriends, take up a new hobby, go on a trip you have always wanted to go and eventually, you will meet someone who will cherish you for who you are. Jiayou!

Take care.

Love, Violet

Readers, please do feel free to chip in to help J out, thanks!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women

A while ago, I attended a relationship seminar. As part of my profession, I constantly go for seminars to learn from other experts. 🙂 And this time, it is a seminar by a couple – Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.

One of the most interesting takeaways I had from this particular seminar was…

Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women.

So what does that mean exactly?

A lot of times in a relationship… men and women have conflict… over money.

Especially when the man loses his job. Or the woman gets a pay rise, and now earns more than the man.

Sometimes, the woman loses respect for the man. She does not mean to. But we are so hardwired to think that the man is supposed to be the provider. He is supposed to bring back the bacon. And suddenly, when she becomes the main provider, the dynamics of the relationship begin to change.

Coming back to… Respect to a Man is what Love is to a Woman.

As a woman, we expect to be loved no matter what. We feel that we deserved to be loved by our man. No matter how good or bad we have been. It is supposed to be a given.

And hence, it is actually the same for a man. He expects to be respected no matter what. He does not need to earn it.

According to a research done by the Feldhahns, apparently, men are willing to leave a relationship if they felt they are constantly being disrespected, even though they knew for sure that their partners love them.

How does this apply to real life?

Was a speaker at a recent matchmaking seminar in Singapore. Was asked this question…

Violet, does a relationship work if the woman earns more than the man?

Actually, the crux of the matter here is not the salary. It is about each party playing their role. The woman can be the sole breadwinner, and the man can be a house husband and they still can be happy, if the woman shows the man that she respects him and his contribution to the family; and the man shows the woman love.

The problem is when the woman starts to resent the man for not bringing home the bacon, or start showing him contempt because she feels that he no longer deserves her respect.

In a relationship, it always takes two hands to clap. Respect and love come hand-in-hand. 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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ON AIR: Astro Wah Lai Toi’s Ladies Sdn Bhd

Last Saturday @ 10pm, I appeared on the TV program Ladies Sdn Bhd on Astro Wah Lai Toi.

The Trailer:

It was a really great filming experience for me even though I have done some other shoots in the past.

Part 1:

The filming was done at a brand new bungalow at Puchong. It’s absolutely beautiful! It has to be, as it costs a whopping RM3million! And of course, I got to meet up with the three wonderful hosts, the three ladies – Chui Ling, Lynn and Vivian. People often do not have good impression of celebrities/hosts etc., but they are really nice, funny and down-to-earth! I had a great time getting to know them on-screen and off-screen.

Part 2:

The only setback for me is that I look really ‘BIG’ because I did the shoot 3 weeks after I gave birth to Cara. That was sometime in May. Some friends were appalled that I ‘ran away’ from my confinement! But come to think about it, I do not regret having made the decision, as it was such good fun!

Part 3:

And to top it all off, this is the first shoot that I have been invited to that I actually got paid for! Haha! Feels good to earn my first pay check from TV!

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure! Did not manage to get a pic with Vivian as she had to rush off…

2009-05-02

And for those of you who know about me from the program, welcome to my blog!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Episode 2 – Ask Violet – Is he interested in me?

Reader Fiona sent in a question – “Is he interested in me? Should I wait for John, or go out with Steven?”

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Inter-faith relationships, do they work?

Dear Violet, I recently met this nice, wonderful girl. You could say she is perhaps the dream girl I have been waiting for all these while.But there is a catch here: she is a staunch Christian and it is important for her to find someone who shares the same beliefs and values as her. The problem is, I am not a Christian but I do not mind whatever faith the girl believes in. But the same cannot be said about her.

What should I do?

Sincerely, K

Dear K,

Thank you for your email!

This is a tricky one. There is no quick and fast solution. As a believer myself, I can understand where your girl is coming from. Especially, if she is a staunch Christian, I think it is probably very important for her to share her life with someone who is of a similar faith and has similar religion depth.

A few questions for you – are you open to finding out more about her religion? And are you open to subsequently converting to her religion when you are ready? If the answers to these questions are YES, then I think there is a higher chance that things could work out between the both of you.

However, like in any relationships, it takes two hands to clap. Is your girl willing to wait for you to find out more about her religion with the potential of accepting Christ one day? If she expects that the person whom she dates MUST be a Christian to start off with, I would say that it is difficult for you to change her mind.

There are many inter-faith relationships that have worked out. However, it is based on the common understanding that the couple accepts each other’s faith. There have also been cases where one party eventually converts to the other’s religion as well… but it must be of the person’s own free will of course!

To conclude, from my personal experience of working with clients of different belief systems… it is not easy to convince someone to date out of their religion preference, and I don’t believe we should persuade people to do so as well because religion is a very personal decision. And even if they reluctantly agree at this point, they would more often than not change their mind subsequently. 

All the best, and may things work out for you!

Sincerely, Violet

P/S: Dear readers, do you have any personal experiences or advice to share with K? Please feel free to comment! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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