Posts Tagged ‘love’

A couple of days ago, I turned 30.

Strange enough, I have been looking forward to this day. Because my real age has finally caught up with how old people think I am. I know, it is bizarre right? I apparently look so old that since like 4-5 years ago, people think that I am 30+. Sob sob. I remember a few years ago when I was 25, a newspaper article actually quoted that I am 35! Aiks!

On a more serious note. When I turned 30, I took time to take stock of my life thus far.

I feel extremely thankful and blessed.

My dearest hubby Jamie threw me a surprise birthday party in Malaysia among my dearest and closest family and friends. (I must admit that it wasn’t as much a surprise as he wanted it to be since he had my mum as an accomplice! Haha! My mum kept asking me questions about the party?!) But I was really surprised by the big group of people that he managed to gather, and of course, really surprised by his poem recitation! It was really funny, because at first he told me the poem was… “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I don’t know what happened, but I love you…!” I was like… err… but the actual poem was a really meaningful poem about growing old together.

People often tell me how lucky I am to have such a sweet and romantic husband. I am extremely thankful for my hubby who has been very supportive of all my endeavors throughout the years. And I would like to take this opportunity once more to thank him again.

J, thank you for loving me! Especially during times when I am not so ‘lovable’.

I am thankful for my 2 beautiful children. I guess all parents think that their children are beautiful. Haha! Knowing that many of our friends are finding it hard to conceive despite being healthy young adults, I know our children are our little miracles, as I actually have endometriosis, a condition that affects fertility rate by 40%.

And my parents. Who have been extremely self-sacrificing and supportive of Jamie and myself. Even though they have been quite shocked by their crazy daughter on several occasions, one being when I told them I am quiting my cushy job to be a… matchmaker! They have recovered to be our biggest and most ardent supporters. I love you, pa and mi!

On some days when things are not going that well, I will sometimes question my choice of career path.

Have I had doubts? Of course I have. I am only human. Strange as it might sound, being a matchmaker can sometimes be quite a thankless job. But of course, I am very thankful for the clients who appreciate us for our efforts.

Taken in 2005, a much slimmer and younger version of me

On my 30th birthday, surrounded by my family, relatives and friends, I am once again reminded that God must has given me all these blessings for a reason and a purpose. To steer me on a mission to help more singles out there to find happiness… to be, meet and choose the right person.

A HK journalist asked me recently, “It is not easy to matchmake, or to help people get married, what motivates you?”

My reply was… Step by step, one at a time.

My dearest readers and friends… thank you very much for your love and support all these years! Reading your comments, or knowing that you like the blog post always put a smile to my face!

As I turn 30, I will charge ahead (b)older and wiser, with renewed hope and vigour!

A while ago, I attended a relationship seminar. As part of my profession, I constantly go for seminars to learn from other experts. And this time, it is a seminar by a couple – Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.

One of the most interesting takeaways I had from this particular seminar was…

Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women.

So what does that mean exactly?

A lot of times in a relationship… men and women have conflict… over money.

Especially when the man loses his job. Or the woman gets a pay rise, and now earns more than the man.

Sometimes, the woman loses respect for the man. She does not mean to. But we are so hardwired to think that the man is supposed to be the provider. He is supposed to bring back the bacon. And suddenly, when she becomes the main provider, the dynamics of the relationship begin to change.

Coming back to… Respect to a Man is what Love is to a Woman.

As a woman, we expect to be loved no matter what. We feel that we deserved to be loved by our man. No matter how good or bad we have been. It is supposed to be a given.

And hence, it is actually the same for a man. He expects to be respected no matter what. He does not need to earn it.

According to a research done by the Feldhahns, apparently, men are willing to leave a relationship if they felt they are constantly being disrespected, even though they knew for sure that their partners love them.

How does this apply to real life?

Was a speaker at a recent matchmaking seminar in Singapore. Was asked this question…

Violet, does a relationship work if the woman earns more than the man?

Actually, the crux of the matter here is not the salary. It is about each party playing their role. The woman can be the sole breadwinner, and the man can be a house husband and they still can be happy, if the woman shows the man that she respects him and his contribution to the family; and the man shows the woman love.

The problem is when the woman starts to resent the man for not bringing home the bacon, or start showing him contempt because she feels that he no longer deserves her respect.

In a relationship, it always takes two hands to clap. Respect and love come hand-in-hand.

Have you watched Transformers 2?

Apart from the big machine slugfest, one of the highlights of the Hollywood movie is of course the love story between the two leads. And in the sequel, the guy and the girl are bickering over who should say I love you first. Both sides are not willing to say it before hearing it from the other person.

Hence, one of the questions that people ask when they are in a relationship…

“Who should say ‘I love you’ first? The guy or the girl?”

Many guys and gals are worried about being the first to say ‘I love you’. Because..

• they do not want to lose face, just in case the other person does not feel the same.
• they do not want to jump the gun, because it might be too early in the relationship.
• they are worried that they will lose the upper hand in the relationship.

The reasons are endless.

I think there is no hard or fast rule to it.

And sometimes, one party just has to take the risk. Afterall, not everything in life is about ‘face’. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is going to perceive you differently just because you are the first to say ‘I love you’, then he or she is probably not worth your time. Frankly, I will be really flattered if my guy has the courage to tell me he loves me, and not worried of coming across as not being macho enough.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything. If a guy tells me he loves me on a first date, I would really freak out.

At the end of the day, just do what feels right for YOU. Do not play mind games.

Because after all, you do not want to be like the guy and gal in Transformers 2. Uttering the 3 little words only after almost going through the valley of death!

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The lighting of the unity candle.

A very meaning symbolism of the merging of two families, the coming together of two individuals. The 2 tapered candles are usually lighted up by the mothers of the bride and groom. And after the lighting up of the unity candle, the tapered candles will either be blown out to indicate two lives have been united permanently or left burning to indicate that the two even though married will still retain their individuality.

Personally, I like the idea of the merging of the two flames, and the blowing out of the individual flames. Not that I do not believe in individuality. But I believe that marriage is a covenant. And from this day onwards, nothing will be as important as your marriage. The marriage will always come first, no matter what. I remember a sermon I heard in Hong Kong. The pastor, a very wise man said…

“If you cannot put your marriage and your spouse first, do not get married.”

It sounds like such a simple piece of advice. So straightforward, so precise… that you would think that it should not be too difficult to follow. But I am beginning to see that it is easier said than done.

In our modern life right now, there are so many things, so many commitments that compete for our time. We have our job, our interests, our friends, our need for space, our quest for freedom, our ambition for success, our lust to travel around the world…

And when there is a conflict, we usually find a way to justify our own decision. Even if the right answer is pretty simple and straightforward if you follow the wisdom of the above advice.

Is that why divorce rate is on the rise?

For the past week, I have been travelling. However, I have been very hesitant to tell people where I am going. Because telling people that you are going to US, is like telling people you have AIDS. The reason that despite the H1N1 flu, I have decided to make a trip to US is to attend my best friend’s wedding.

Tsiao Yi and I have been best friend for the last 16 years. And that’s actually more than half of my lifetime. So, even though I was quite concerned about H1N1, I thought about it long and hard. I knew that if I make the decision not to go, when I look back in the future… I will really regret not attending my best friend’s wedding. And by then, it would be too late to turn back the clock.

Tsiao Yi and Tow Shung have dated for 9 years. They have decided to get married on 06.06.2009. And actually, this is the exact date that they got together 9 years ago. So they are actually celebrating their 9th year anniversary!

If you look at them on their wedding day, they look like any other blissful newlyweds. But the truth is, Tow Shung is actually battling cancer. For the past 2 years, he has been undergoing chemotherapy. At an age where most of us are thinking about advancing our career or planning for our next holiday, Tsiao Yi and Tow have been going in and out of the hospital. Not that it is an alien concept to them as both of them are doctors. But this time, he is the patient.

One of their friends May Ling (an extremely nice lady, and a mother of 5) put it very succinctly. Most brides to be would be very flustered before the wedding worrying about the flowers, the makeup, or the dress. But Tsiao Yi is worried whether Tow gets his chemo on time. It really helps the rest of us put things into perspective.

One thing the pastor said really put tears into my eyes. He said, “Tow, I look into the eyes of this woman standing next to you now. And I can see that she loves you very much.” When he said that, tears just welled up in my eyes. And I had to try very hard not to cry as I was part of the wedding party standing at the altar.

In my matron of honour speech, I said:

Tsiao Yi and Tow Shung have been through many ups and downs. But most important of all, when life dealt its harshest blow, they held on to each other, supported each other and spurred each other on. This has made their relationship stronger than ever. And their love, their commitment, their devotion for each other, has been an inspiration to us all.

My best friend’s wedding is a reminder… to not take the little things in life for granted. And also to not sweat the small stuff.

Dearest Yi, once again, thank you for asking me to be your matron of honour. I am so extremely honoured to be your best friend, and thank you so much for your unwavering friendship. May your marriage be blessed with much love, laughter and happiness! I have no doubt you and Tow Shung will have a blissfully happy marriage…

A few weeks ago, Jamie and I went to watch Twilight at the cinema.

Ironically, it was Jamie who suggested that we watched it because so many of our female friends have been swooning about how the main character (Note: Edward Cullen played by Robert Pattinson) is the ‘perfect guy’. So being the analytical person he is, he wanted to know why they thought he was ‘perfect’.

And so, the show began.

At the end of the show, I told Jamie… “I would have enjoyed the show a lot more if I did not watch it with you!” Haha… you know why?

He was just like making faces at me throughout the show. Luckily he was the one who suggested we watched it, if not I will never hear the end of it! Haha… the expressions that he was pulling were of, “Omigosh, I cannot believe that we are actually watching this!”

After he has gotten over his trauma, we started to analyze the show. And we deduced that the reason that women are so crazy about the show, or more so the main character is because…

1.       He’s tall, dark (or in this case fair), and handsome.

2.       He’s mysterious.

3.       He’s strong. Yes, so strong that he can just block a truck coming your way at 100km/h with one hand.

4.       He is a superhero. He has amazing speed. He can climb trees, and he can show you the most amazing sights.

5.       He’s sensitive. He reads. He’s intellectual. You look into his eyes, and you can look into his soul.

6.       He’s always there. Lurking in the shadows to make sure that you are safe. And he would even sneak into your room just to watch you sleep.

7.       He will do anything for you. Even it means sacrificing his own life.

Ladies, if you have anything else to add to the above list, please feel free to do so. J

Jamie being ever the realist said, “Hey, do you think the girl (Note: Bella Swan played by Kristen Stewart) will still think it was sweet if he was short, fat and ugly? She probably would think that he’s some weird stalker! “

Haha! J

Anyway, since I am a girl, the show worked for me. I mean the author of the book got the characters and the plot right. She knew what would tug at a girl’s heartstring. And the casting people did a good job as well.

Did you know that the Twilight series are actually located at the ‘Teen Romance’ section of the bookshop? But after the movie, women in their 20s and 30s flocked to bookstores to get the books, and the bookstores actually did not expect this surge of demand!

On the other hand, from a professional point of view, I am quite concerned of the effect of such a story/movie having on our society or maybe girls in general.

The truth is… guys who are tall, dark/fair and handsome usually have more attention from the girls than they can handle. And as a result, some of them end of with this sense of ‘entitlement’. Their mindset is… “Only the most beautiful girl can be my girlfriend.” As for the alpha male… guys who are strong and powerful… chances are they would not be a SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy). Think Russell Crowe. And men who have a sensitive soul , men who would do anything to please a girl… these are men that many women would label as soft and total pushovers. In other words, guys that women are generally not attracted to.

Don’t get me wrong. I really enjoyed the show. And yes, he’s cute! J But I sure hope that our teenage girls are not in the process of being brainwashed to think that the world is full of men like that. And men who are otherwise just cannot cut it.

What are your thoughts? J I would especially love to hear from the guys!

We held a special charity event for the members of Lunch Actually and Eteract.com today. Working together with the Boys’ Brigade SHARITY Gift Box 2008, we flagged off 16 ‘couples’ to deliver food packs to the needy, as well as fulfill a wish at the wish tree at TANGS Orchard. We are very happy to be part of this special project for the 2nd year running. And it is very heartwarming to see so many singles willing to come forward, sacrifice part of the Sunday to drive around Singapore delivering food packs, and also help to fulfill a wish of someone in need. It was also very fulfilling for me personally to bring like-minded singles together to widen their social circles and at the same time do their bit for charity.

Later in the evening, hubby, babe and I headed down to TANGS after dinner to choose a wish to fulfill. Jamie and I decided that we will choose an ‘Elderly Wish’ as I heard from the organiser that ‘Children Wishes’ are very popular among the corporates and would mostly be fulfilled. That is not the case for the ‘Elderly Wishes’. 

I was looking at the wish tags, and there are so many wishes, and I really did not know how to go about choosing. Each tag will specify the person’s name, age, the elderly home that he/she is from and the wish. For the elderly wishes, most of them are for apparel and electrical appliances. We decided to go with the item ‘jacket’, and from there we have to choose one of the tags that request for ‘jacket’. As I was going through the many gift tags, I just couldn’t help but feel sad. So many elderly folks out there are in homes, and they do not even have the resources to purchase a jacket or a track suit to keep themselves warm. And the sad thing is… I am sure that some of these wishes might probably go unfulfilled. After I chose a tag, I wished I did not need to choose, and I have the resources to fulfill all of these wishes.

I would like to appeal to my readers who are in Singapore. Please do take part in The Boys’ Brigade SHARITY Gift Box project, and help to fulfill a wish. It would not take much of your time. My family and I took less than 20 minutes to choose a tag, purchase the gift and bring it back to the WISH Tree. And in terms of cost, the guideline for Children’s Gifts and Elderly Gifts is approximately $60, but this is just a guideline. If you are able to find a gift that’s lesser in monetary value but fulfills the wish, that’s ok too.

These are the locations of the trees… Allson Hotel, Ang Mo Kio HUB FairPrice Xtra (Entrance), Plaza Singapura (28th Nov to 4th Dec), Raffles City Mall (28th Nov to 4th Dec), Seletar Country Club, TANGS Orchard.

I thank you in advance for your support. Let’s all do our part to spread the Christmas Cheer!

Had a call from a local magazine today. They are looking for ladies who have found love in their 30s. So, they wanted my help to check with our clients if they are willing to be interviewed.

It was a good opportunity for me to catch up with our married clients. Called up one of our lady clients who got married earlier this year… let’s call her M. It was really nice to touch base with her. So I told her about the story angle, and asked if she was willing to be interviewed and photographed for the magazine. She gamely agreed. I also told her that it is not necessary for her to tell the magazine how she and hubby met, as many of our clients would prefer not to let people know that they met through a dating agency.

Then M actually said, “I don’t mind!” Wow! Then she asked me if she can bring her own clothes. I told her I am not too sure, as sometimes the magazine might prepare clothes for the shoot, but I will check. And that was when she told me the extremely GOOD NEWS…

“Oh, it’s because I am pregnant!”

Wow! I was like so happy. Another Lunch Actually baby.

When people ask me, “Don’t you sometimes get tired of your profession? Why are you so passionate about what you do? Why this business of all business?”

This is the reason… I think there are not many jobs in the world where you can have a ‘direct’ hand in helping someone find happiness, and help bring a child to this world.

Can’t wait to see the photos of the baby! Happy happy happy!

Dearest Readers,

Hello! Hope you have had a great National Day weekend! (For non-Singaporeans, Singapore just celebrated its 43rd birthday last Saturday!)

I have a treat for you today. Just came across a poem written by my friend Deidre Pereira for a contest. Found it very sweet, so decided to share it with you!

Enjoy!

Sincerely, Violet

Love is like a butterfly, beautiful and free
Fluttering and tender just for everyone to see
Love is like a ray of light, shining down on me
It lifts you up and sways you round like a leaf on a tree

Love is something special, love guides the way
No one can quite explain it, no one can quite say
Love is all around us some of us might pray
But all I say just let it come, come come what may

Met up with an ex-uni mate today. We did our Masters together at LSE.

It was fun catching up. She brought me to a nice wine bar at Soho. It’s my first time at Soho, after making like more than 10 trips to HK. Haha. The funny thing was neither of us ordered wine. But the tortilla wrap was yummy actually.

We talked about many things. About our friends from LSE. About life. About religion. And at one point we talked about love.

She asked how I ended up being a modern matchmaker. So I shared with her the story of how Jamie and I decided to go into the dating industry. I told her that I feel truly blessed that Jamie and I complemented each other’s strengths and weaknesses. And also, how many friends warned us against going into business together. But how it is working out really well for us.

And she asked me, “If you guys see each other everyday, and like 24 hours a day, wouldn’t the chemistry be gone?”

I was lost for words for like 2 seconds.

Actually, she asked a very valid question. Because we are often conditioned to think that love is all about romance and passion. The giddiness. The quickening of pulse. The lack of sleep because you are up whole night thinking of the other person.

Strangely, I have also just finished reading the book ‘Why We Love’ by Helen Fisher.

I cannot remember what exactly I said to my friend.

In her book, Helen Fisher said this, “People around the world say the exhilaration of romance wanes as their marriage or partnership becomes increasingly stable, comfortable, and secure. I have mixed feelings about this fate nature has decreed. First, many of us would die of sexual exhaustion if romantic love flourished endlessly in a relationship. We wouldn’t get to work on time or concentrate on everything except ‘him’ or ‘her’. Moreover, as romantic love matures, it often expands into hundreds of complex and fulfilling feelings of attachment that produce an enormously intricate, interesting, and emotionally rewarding union with another living soul.”

I guess, if I were to answer my friend again, I would say, “The chemistry is not gone. Strange as it may sound, it has become stronger. It might no longer exist in the same form that it was when we first met. But it has evolved. To stand the test of time.” 

Did I tell you that I have been invited to another wedding recently? Two of our clients got married.

And it was a real grand affair. It was held at one of the poshest (is there such a word?) hotel in Singapore. And we are reallly happy for them, because they are such nice people, and as time goes by, we have actually become friends.

What struck me as really interesting at this particular client’s wedding is this…

Usually, when I go for client’s wedding, I will always keep a low profile. I will avoid speaking to people on my table. Or even when they make small talk, I will reply very politely, and not seek to prolong the conversation. The reason is very simple. I do not want to tell people that I am a matchmaker, or I run a dating service, and risk them drawing the direct conclusion that the couple met through us. Our clients usually prefer for people not to know how they actually meet, and I respect their decision. It is not my place to ’advertise’ or ‘market’ our business. We are happy to just be there to bask in their happiness and their joy.

I always joke about it with Jamie… if people ask… I will say I am a housewife, and he will say that he is in the IT business. 

So anyway, back to this particular wedding dinner. Right at the start of the wedding dinner, the groom came over to the table and say… “I put you guys at this table because I think you guys are of the same wavelength and will be able to do some networking as well,” and I politely smiled. And he proceeded to say, “Please meet Jamie and Violet, they run a very successful dating agency, Lunch Actually!” And my smile froze, not knowing how to react. He introduced the rest, and then left to entertain his other guests. I was very worried during the entire dinner that people at my table were going to ask the question…

“So… did they meet through you guys?”

And it did not help that one of the groom’s friend on our table actually knew that the bride and groom met through us. And kept saying things like… “So Violet, I am sure you are invited to many wedding dinners?” And gave me this knowing smile. I really felt like throwing Fried Rice at him.

But you know what was the most amazing thing?

Nobody on the table even suspected. Not one.

And then I suddenly realised why.

Because the bride and the groom are so eligible. The bride is beautiful. She’s definitely someone you would classify as above average, if not gorgeous. Someone that guys would definitely look twice. And the groom is successful and talented.

And that was the reason, that it never come across anybody’s mind that they actually met through a dating service.

Because people always have the impression that people who go to dating services are ’single, desperate and ugly!’

And this couple is definitely far from being ’single, desperate and ugly’.

I just thought that was quite an interesting experience. And perhaps from now on, I can stop saying that I am a housewife, even though that is my secret ambition… haha!  

Today is my best friend’s birthday.

She is 35 years older than I am. And even as she ages gracefully into her 60s, she still looks fabulous. Much to her delight, many people think she is at least 15 years younger than her real age. I wish I look like her when I am her age.

In the last 28 years that we have been friends, things have not always been smooth. We have not always been the best of friends. We have had shouting feuds, disagreements and cold wars. Many of these shouting matches ended up in tear baths.

I have not always been the most patient of friends. And sometimes, I would even be rude and obstinate. But my best friend’s motto is endure. And now that I look back, she deserves a better friend really.

She is giving and self-sacrificing. She always puts me before herself.

We have many happy moments together. And she has always been there at my side – celebrating my life milestones… my graduation, my wedding, the birth of my babe.

She is always there when I need support, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear to vent to.

To the most amazing woman I have ever known – my best friend, my hero, my dearest mummy… Happy Birthday!

(Last year’s Chinese New Year, with mummy and babe)

This week has been an absolute madhouse… have been busy with the launch of the Matchmaking Institute in South East Asia.

Some of you might know that prior to starting my business, I flew over to NY to attend a course in matchmaking. Yes! I did that, and I learnt so much! I am the first Asian who attended the course.

And 4 years later, the co-founders – Lisa Clampitt & Jerome Chasques decided to bring the Institute to South East Asia, as there has been such a huge demand for the course. And we have worked together to localize the course content to make it more relevant to the students.

Jamie and I are really excited with the launch of MMI here in SEA as we have always wanted to do more for the industry, especially seeing a lot of passionate matchmakers wanting to help, but might not have the necessary know-how and tools to go about it…

To read more about the launch…

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/cna/20080409/tap-340260-231650b.html

http://www.straitstimes.com/Video%2BNews/Singapore/STIVodcast_3975.html?playid=3975&type=Singapore

Having a photo taken with the amazing Lisa!