How to Snag a Great Guy 101

Recently, an associate shared with me that she and another colleague of ours are very envious of me, because I have snagged such a great guy. My hubby Jamie comes across as a good husband as well as a good father. They even said that my hubby's type of man is probably in extinction. It is not possible to find a man like that anymore.

When I shared this later with my hubby, I said with mock indignant, "How come nobody says that you are a lucky guy?" Hubby said without missing a beat, "I am a lucky guy!" See, I love this man! :)

Jokes aside…. I thought it is long overdue that I share some tips with my dear readers on how to 'snag' a great guy, as truly, I know and believe with all my heart that I am blessed to have met and later 'snag' my dearest hubby. I give thanks everyday to have such a wonderful husband and fantastic father for my children.

So, here's my 'secret' step-by-step approach:

Step 1: Ask yourself, "What is my definition of a great guy?"

Problem is, we are often looking at the wrong things. Before I met Jamie, my definition of a great guy or at least an ideal guy for me is someone who is outgoing, talkative, life of the party… and of course he must be witty and humorous. Anybody who have met Jamie would definitely NOT have used the above adjectives to describe him.

In fact, when I invited him to come for my high school reunion, he asked if he could bring a book, and I said OK. And when he first met some of my ex-colleagues from the bank, they actually asked me, "What do you see in him?!" because he was so quiet then and did not say much. 

I am definitely blessed because even though I must admit I was initially attracted to Jamie for biologically-driven reasons, when I got to know him better, it was beyond the surface. I realised that he is indeed my soul mate because among others, we share the same values and same life goals. It no longer mattered that he is not outgoing, talkative and life of the party…! Now, I wondered what was I thinking then?! :)

The most brilliant diamond is often hidden underneath what might seem like a rough rock. Look beyond the surface. Your perfect match might not come in the package that you expect, but if you could just spend some time to get to know him better, he could be the perfect guy for you.

Step 2: Being happy on your own

Are you happy on your own? Or are you looking for a man to fill the huge empty space in your life? Is this an important question, you might ask? Yes it is. Because depending on your answer, the approach you take to life and finding a man would be very different. 

A woman who is happy on her own comes across as self-assured and confident, and of course happy. A woman who has a huge gap to be filled usually comes across as needy. And being too needy will definitely send most guys packing.

Basically, men want to be with women who are happy, who are contented, who are positive and optimistic. Why? Because when they imagine a future with you, they want to feel warm and fuzzy inside, and not shudder in cold sweat. No man wants to be part of a quarrelsome household. If during the dating and courting stage, you are already complaining and nitpicking about everything under the sun, chances are, he will definitely think twice of continuing with the relationship. 

Are you currently happy? If you are not, find out why. Fix that first. What is your childhood passion? Go pursue your passion. What is a hobby you have been dying to pick up? Do it now. Where do you want to travel to? Apply for leave and pack your bags. When you are a truly happy person, guys will flock to you like bees to honey. Because honestly, we are all attracted to happy people. 

Step 3: Rediscover your Kindness Quotient

Many men, when asked what attracted them to their wives, did not say that because she was pretty or beautiful or even sexy. Many actually said, because she is kind. Are you shocked? Some has also called it the 'Specific Act of Kindness'. Men like women too have certain soft spots and insecurities. Some women worry about coming on too strong. If he is the right type of guy, he probably would not think badly of you. He would just be touched that you are so thoughtful. 

Jamie has shared with me that an act that won him over was when I bought him fizzy cola candies from the nearby cinema, and I dropped them off at his place. To me, it was just a random act, as I happened to be watching movies with friends, and I knew that he likes fizzy cola candies. But for him, the act has spoken volumes.

Another girl I know dedicated her time to helping the guy lose weight even before they become an item. She was so patient, supportive and encouraging, and the guy was so completely touched by her. They eventually got together and he gave her one of the sweetest marriage proposals I have ever heard. And he absolutely adores her.

Men do not like materialistic women. Men do not like opportunistic women. Men do not like to be taken for a ride. In short, men are not stupid.

Instead of thinking of what you can get from the guy, think of what you can give him. And actually, a great guy is not looking for much. He is simply looking for someone who appreciates him for who he is, and someone who is not afraid to give or wear her heart on the sleeve.

At the end of the day, like anything in life, your mindset will determine your behaviour which will in turn determine your actions. If you do not believe that it is possible to 'snag' a great guy, because they are an extinct species, chances are… you won't!

All the great guys are NOT married or gay. There are actually many wonderful men out there if you bother to search and scour. Keep your eyes and mind open, and I assure you, you will be surprised that your 'great guy' could be right under your nose!

Happy dating! 

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


Do Average Joes Have It Better Than Gorgeous Hunks?

At the end of the day, there are no absolutes. Like I mentioned in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’, ‘Strange as it sounds, the reality is that plain Janes sometimes have it better.’ This is based on the premise that most plain Janes I have met are more realistic, reasonable and are more willing to compromise. Having said that, I have also met Plain Janes who are unwilling to compromise and I have met beautiful women who after a lot of experiences who are willing to compromise.

average JoeHence, the same applies to average Joes. There are average Joes that are realistic, reasonable, down-to-earth set of dating criteria and are more willing to compromise. At the same time, there are also average Joes who told me, “Violet, I know I am a 5, and I know you are matching me with a 5. But I want to be matched with a 10!”

Some men who are gorgeous and know it and when coupled with financial stability would sometimes suffer from what I call the ‘elevator syndrome’. When the go to the first floor, they met someone who’s pretty. They then wonder to themselves, I wonder if someone on the second floor would even be better. I want someone who’s pretty and smart. And there she was at the second floor. Then they would wonder if they can meet someone even ‘better’ on the third floor e.g. pretty, smart and curvy. So on and so forth.

As compared to the average Joes, who might know that they are not as good-looking or as suave or as confident, and are simply on the lookout for a kind and nurturing woman who would make a good wife. And once they have met her, they are more likely to settle down.

Men and women are different and hence when it comes to dating criteria, they are also looking out for different things. Just like some men will put women into two categories when it comes to dating and relationship i.e. the ‘wife material a.k.a. they will bring home to see mum type’ and the ‘short fling type’, often some women will also put men into two categories – ‘the provider’ and ‘the player’.

Having said that, there are average Joes who are average in their looks but have honed their ‘player’ skills and are able to attract women to them like bees to honey because they just know how to push the right buttons. There are also gorgeous hunks who are actually very down-to-earth and is a total sweetheart when it comes to love and is also a perfect gentleman.

‘Players’ need not necessarily be gorgeous hunks. Sometimes, they just portray a sense of coolness, a sense of confidence or even a sense of danger that appeal to women. They seem so in control and they just know what to say and do at the right time. And thus, women tend to be more attracted to ‘the player’ than ‘the provider’.

Many a times, women would go for ‘the player’ to only get burnt at the end of the day because ‘the player’ does not tend to want to settle down because he knows that he has a huge following and know he just know what to do to make girls fall for him. And thus, eventually women learn to see beyond the façade and to look out for things that matter – dependability, loyalty, sense of responsibility – criteria that would make a good companion, a good husband and a good father. Many of these characteristics actually describe ‘the provider’.

I think ultimately, if we are talking about having and sustaining a long term relationship, ‘the provider’ (which most of the time would be the dating strategy of the average Joes) will be the one who is the ultimate winner as compared to ‘the player’ who seems to get all the girls in the beginning. ‘The player’ will be the biggest loser because he will never be able to sustain a long term relationship even though he seems to be the one having all the fun at first.

When men are looking for the right one, looks and physical appearances tend to rank high because most men are very visual.

However, when women are looking for the right one, they tend to take a more overall approach. I am not saying that looks are not important to all women. However, most women also look out for other things such as financial stability, sense of humour, confidence etc. other than looks before they judge whether to take the relationship to the next level. Thus, looks is not the only thing that women are looking for. Smile

Of course, there are also women who shun gorgeous men. There are some lady clients that I have met who will say that, “Violet, please don’t introduce me to someone who’s too good-looking!” I think, in their mind, they are thinking that women will always be attracted to good-looking men and they do not want to have unnecessary competition in future.

But having said that, there are also women who say to me, “Violet, make sure you pick the best looking man for me, ok?” However, I would have to say, there are more women saying, “Violet, make sure you find me a good man who’s kind, confident and humorous!” rather than “Make sure you find me a good-looking man!” Smile

What do YOU think? Do you think gorgeous hunks have it better? Or average Joes? Share with us your comments!

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


What can single women do to lose their singlehood? (Part 2 of a 2-part series)

The truth is, before I become a professional matchmaker, I thought I knew all there was to know about dating, since I met my husband when I was 20 and we got married when I was 25. However, after entering the dating industry, I realised that there are actually many harsh realities about dating that people do not know. And that is why I decided to share my learning and insights in my book so that single ladies out there know what are the myths vs. realities. At least, after they know this, they can then make intelligent and informed decisions on what they wish to do to increase their chances of finding the right one!

Single ladies need to realise that finding the right one is NOT simply about meeting the right one.

Most singles if you ask them would tell you that the reason they are single is because they have not met the right one. However, meeting is just one of the three components. The other two components are ‘being the right one’ and ‘choosing the right one’. I have met many singles who come to use our services. Some of them successfully meet someone, and some don’t.

After some analysing, we realise that people who actually meet someone through us, they are generally:

  • Open minded and have a positive attitude
  • Flexible when it comes to their dating preferences and criteria
  • Take each date as an enjoyable experience of meeting a new friend
  • Partner with their dating consultant by providing honest feedback and also receiving feedback given by the dating consultant

All single ladies out there need to realise that:

hourglass time1. Time is not on their side. As much as they would like to build a successful career, they must also give priority to their social life

2. First impressions matter to men. As much as we do not want to change ourselves, we should appreciate that men are very visual creatures, and hence there’s no harm putting our best foot forward in each date.

3. Dating is a numbers game. You need to meet people to meet the right one. If you spend your Saturday night at home doing your laundry, your Prince Charming is not going to jump out of the washing machine!

4. There is no shame in increasing your own chances of success in finding the right partner. Let me ask you, if you were to go for a job interview, wouldn’t you put on your best suit? Style your hair? Brush up on your CV? Prepare for your answers? Arrive on time? Isn’t your lifelong happiness worth at least the same effort as looking for a job?

At the end of the day, you need to realise this… when you are single and alone, your boss will not be there to look after you. I know all the bosses out there are not very happy with me right now! Winking smile You have to love yourself more. You need to prioritise your time!

I was asked this question at a talk I gave recently… “Violet, is it possible to have it all? A career, a marriage and a family?”

The answer is… a resounding ‘YES!’

However, in order to achieve that, you have to look at your priorities. It’s not going to happen if you spend all your waking moments at work! If you want to have it all, you need to spend equal time on both work and social!

Many people out there will be wet blankets, maybe even saying, “Are you so desperate?” But just let them say whatever they want to say. In one of my favourite books, “Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, there’s something Morrie said that will always stick in my mind… “Create your own culture!” The world is sometimes not a very nice place… people will put us down, or make us conform to what is known as the norm. However, you don’t need to conform to other people’s culture. Create your own… and go out there and find your own happiness!

Happy dating! Smile

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


Why are so many career women in Singapore still single? (Part 1 of a 2-part series)

There has been a lot of talk that many career women in Singapore are still single… In the first part of this 2-part series, we are going to talk about the characteristics of some of the single ladies that I have met.

To be fair, not only many career women in Singapore are still single. It is the same with any other modern cities around the world e.g. Hong Kong, New York, Seoul, Tokyo, Shanghai etc. The thing is… more and more singles are delaying marriage. In the past, women marry in their early 20s. If you were to marry in your mid-20s, it is considered old. But now, many women are still not married by the time they are in their 30s. A lot of times, it is because these women are so focused on building their career in the early part of their life. And when they finally decide to settle down, they learn that it is not as easy to find a partner in their 30s as opposed to when they are in their 20s. One of the realities that I have shared in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’ is that ultimately many men are looking to date younger women as they would like to start a family eventually. So they would start to think, if I date a woman who is in her mid-30s, after 2 years of dating, 2 years of honeymoon period after the marriage, would it be too late to start a family?

Single ladies can be generally categorised into 4 groups. Of course these are generalisations and stereotypes and they are not exhaustive.

dragon lady1. The Dragon Lady: Dragon ladies are women who have done very well for themselves in the workplace. And as the skillset of women such as communication skills, interpersonal skills, multitasking skills are being more sought after in the workplace, more and more women are rising fast in the corporate world, sometimes even faster than their male counterparts. Women often feel that they have to adopt a more domineering and aggressive demeanour to climb up the corporate ladder. And often, they bring these characteristics with them wherever they go even when they are on dates. However, I always say to my single female clients, ‘Men are looking to date and marry women, not men!’ Women need to realise that they are on a date and not a debate. They do not need to challenge every single thing the guy say, or have the last say all the time. My advice to the dragon ladies is to indulge in your femininity and leave the fist-thumping in the boardroom.

2. The Waiter a.k.a. The Fixer: These are ladies who might be seeing someone, but they have been in the same relationship for 3 years, 5 years, or 9 years but the relationship just does not seem to be going anywhere. The reason is, the man keeps telling the woman that he’s not ready to settle down, and the woman is willing to just sit by and wait, hence the name ‘waiter’. And some of them are also fixers meaning they believe they can fix the guy, even though women who preceded them have failed. They believe that they are unique and special. My advice to this group of ladies is to give the guy an ultimatum. Give him a deadline, and if he does not adhere to it, then move on. You have to love yourself more because time is not on the side of the women. Just move on. If he loves you enough, he will ask you back and ask for your hand. If he does not, then he was never worth your time in the first place.

3. The Princess (and her Prince): A lot of single ladies for into this category. They probably have read too many fairy tales or indulge in too many Hollywood movies or Korean dramas. They would like to meet their prince charming ‘by chance’ because they believe that it is not romantic if they do anything extra to meet him. I believe that dating is a numbers game. Out of every 10 single men you meet, probably there are only 5 whom you are interested to know more about and he too would like to know you better. From the 5, you will probably go on a first date with 3 or 4. And from that 3 or 4, you will probably only go on more dates with 2 or 3. And from there, hopefully, you meet the one. Hence, the question is, if you do not even meet 10 single men in a month or even for some a year, what are the chances you would meet the one? I always ask the princesses, do you wish to be romantically single for the rest of your life, or be more proactive and find your prince charming? Smile My advice is, give yourself more opportunities and find more platform to widen your social circle and meet more new people.

4. The Clueless: Some ladies do not have a lot of relationship experience or have not dated in a long time. Hence, they have no idea of what to expect when it comes to dating or might have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. They would tell me things like, “Why should I do anything different? They should like me for who I am. If they don’t, then they are not worth my time!” when I suggest that they put on some light makeup when they go on a date. My question to them is, “There are many guys out there who are very nice and have great personality, however they might not meet your height preference (height is very important for most ladies!), then why don’t you like them for who they are as well?” My advice is that we should challenge our own list of criteria and preferences. Ultimately, we judge others, others judge us as well. When we look at each of our criterion, we should ask ourselves, is this a ‘must have’ or a ‘good to have’. If he is 1.75m, does it mean that he would be a better husband or a better father?

Stay tuned for the 2nd part… ‘What can single women do to lose their singlehood?’

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


Violet’s 3 Secrets to a Happy Marriage! (Part 3)

This is the 3rd and last part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series and click here to read the second part of this series.

Secret No. 3: Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

I am sure many of you who are based in Singapore would remember this TV ad – Beautifully Imperfect. If you cannot remember it, you can watch it here.

 

Many people go into marriage thinking everything will be perfect. Sometimes, I think it is bad that we try to make our wedding perfect. After such 'perfection', some people go into their marriage having an expectation that everything will be perfect and their marriage will be a bed of roses. But since we are humans, we can never be perfect. If two imperfect people come together, there are sure to be some imperfections along the way.

I love this story that my friend told me about her friend X. So what happened was, X kept trying to change her husband. Her husband had a bad habit of discarding his clothes on the floor after he takes them off. And this would really annoy her a lot. And they will end up quarreling. So after years of trying to change her husband, she finally decided to change herself. She decided to accept her husband for he is, and discarding his clothes on the floor is something that he will always do. It does not mean that he is a bad husband or a bad father. I thought that was pretty hilarious I first heard this story, or maybe it was because my friend was a really animated storyteller. As extreme as this story might sound, sometimes it is just as simple as that. 

Sometimes, we just need to embrace our partner's imperfections.

Back to me. I have so many flaws. I think if I were to write them all down, it's going to take up too much space. 🙂 And my hubby Jamie too has his little imperfections which I don't think would be nice for me to reveal in public space. 🙂 The way we have been able to live harmoniously, at least 90% of the time is to embrace these imperfections, and these imperfections will even grow on us.

Ok, I will let you in on a little secret. I drool when I sleep. YES, I DO! Some of you might be thinking… "EEEKKKSS!" I know, I know… I wish I could find a way to stop this. But apparently, it has to do with the structure of my mouth. Anyway, Jamie can either complain about how my drool is all over the pillows, or he could create a cute little pet name for me based on this imperfection. 🙂 I am sure you can guess what he did.

So here you have it, my 3 little secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Choosing the Right Mate

2. Agreeing on Money Matters Early

3. Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

If you are married, what are you own little secrets? Do share them with us! 🙂

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


Is it possible for a long-distance relationship to work?

Rani: Is it possible for a long-distance relationship to work? My boyfriend is on a 2-year stint in the US and although he visits during major occasions, I feel that the distance is somehow making us grow apart.

Yes. And I’m a living testament . My husband and I had a long-distance relationship for 2 and a half years when I was studying overseas. At the end of the day, it’s about mutual trust and also making the effort to ensure your relationship stays strong.

One of the most important things is to establish a timeline – knowing when the long-distance element of the relationship will end and you’ll be in a normal relationship again. Being apart doesn’t mean that you cannot do things together. For example, you can still play games online to stay connected.

First appeared in herworld.com

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


I can’t open up my feelings to my boyfriend…

Michelle: I find it really hard to open up my feelings to my boyfriend of 5 years. Sure, we talk a lot, but it’s all fluff and nothing about our future as a couple. What’s wrong with me and how can I open up without it turning awkward?

The best relationships are those where the husband and wife are each other’s best friend. If you find it hard to open up your feelings to your boyfriend now, your relationship might be heading for disaster in the long run. You want to be able to pour your heart out to your future partner.

Or maybe it’s just talking about marriage that you find difficult? Many women find this difficult because they’re afraid to “lose face”. Or they’re afraid if they push too hard, the man will run. You’ve gone out with him for 5 years, I don’t think you want to go out with him for another 5 years with no commitment set in place. Start out with some open-ended questions like “Where do you see our relationship going?” At the end of the day, you have to share with him how you feel. And if he’s not responsive, you really might want to re-evaluate your relationship with him.

First appeared in herworld.com

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


He wants me to be a full-time housewife! But I want my career!

Li-ann: My fiance and I have been discussing our future family life together. One of the things we can't agree on is my work – he wants me to be a full-time housewife. How do I convince him that I can still be a good wife, mother and career woman?

Many times, people have certain expectations due to their upbringing. Chances are your fiancé’s mum could have been a full-time housewife and he grew up having his mum there for him all the time. Or, his mum was a career woman and he felt that she was never there for him, and doesn’t want the same for his children. Try to see things from his point of view and where he’s coming from. Perhaps you could suggest to him to let you give it a go – to balance your roles as a good wife, mother and career woman. But, you must also be open to making some adjustments if eventually you’re not able to cope as well as you thought you would. After all, a marriage is about give and take.

First appeared in herworld.com

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


“There aren’t enough confident men…”

Vishak: I am a 35-year-old expat with no boyfriend. I'm seriously considering asking my company for a transfer to another country. I love it here in Singapore but I find that there aren't enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me.

I think it’s quite interesting that you said “there aren’t enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me”. Many of my female clients are single and successful career women. And most of them are strong-willed, driven and aggressive. This is what I tell them, “Men are looking to marry women, not men!”

Unfortunately, the same skills that you have acquired and adopted to climb up the corporate ladder don’t necessarily bring you very far in the dating game. I suggest that you leave the fist-thumping back in the board room, and rediscover your feminine side. I always say to my female clients, “You do not always have to have the last say! You are on a date, not a debate!” I’m not asking you to play dumb, I’m merely asking you to revel in your femininity. Enjoy the chase. Enjoy being a woman. In fact, it’s our privilege! Change your perspective, and you will suddenly realize that there are many eligible and confident men around you after all.

First published in herworld.com

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


happilyeverafter: “Are you dating the marrying type?” (Part 3)


If you are looking for a serious relationship, there are 2 categories of men you should avoid. The time wasters and the players. In Part 1 & 2, we have talked about the time wasters. In Part 3, we are going to discuss the player.

Category 2: Players

This is the ideal type of man to date if all you want to do is have lots of dates and do lots of fun things with them.  The player is someone who has a strong need to be surrounded by beautiful women, so he will put all of his time and effort into pursuing different women who meet his high standards of beauty, intelligence, and other superficial characteristics he decides are important. 

He knows how to flatter a woman, make her feel good, and get her to swoon over him in so many different ways. He will cite 50 best love quotes of all time. Yes, the player is a charming and interesting man who understands how to treat a woman very well for the sole purpose of getting her to stay “hooked” on him and continue giving him what he wants in the relationship.  She may think he has her wants and needs at heart, but the reality is he only cares about her needs just enough so that he can get her to continue fulfilling his needs.  In other words, he doesn’t really care about her; rather, he cares about making sure she is focused on doing what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants.

A man who is a player will spend most of his time focused on trying to “conquer” a particular woman; it’s the thrill of the chase that he’s after, and only the chase holds his excitement an and interest for any length of time.  Because of his, a player is usually not interested in any kind of a commitment; in fact, he’ll actively avoid any woman who shows even the slightest sign of wanting something more than just a casual dating relationship.

A player doesn’t put a lot of thought into what the woman is experiencing, either.  For instance, he’s not interested in identifying her needs and attempting to fill them in any way; rather, he’s interested in making sure she pays attention to his needs and that she focuses on meeting them as much as possible.  In other words, it’s all about him.  Period.

Some advice on how to avoid players…

Practice enlightened equality. Do not play mind games or indulge in emotional blackmailing. And do not take his games. A strong and lasting relationship is built on mutual respect and trust, not on games.

And last but not least, appreciate and respect the characteristics of the nice guys such as sincerity, stability and loyalty. They may not be as fun, exciting, intriguing or suave. But these are the qualities that would make a relationship work in the long run.

Remember: Smart woman only date the marrying type! 🙂

***

This is the end of this 3 part series of 'Are you dating the marrying type?'

Related Posts with ThumbnailsShare on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn