Posts Tagged ‘Dating Reality’

When meeting up with clients, one of the most common question I ask is, “What are you looking for in your ideal partner?”

Usually, the answer would include some physical attributes. Guys usually prefer to meet ladies who are slim and shorter than them. And ladies prefer to meet guys who are taller and of bigger build than them. Many ladies also like guys who are outgoing, extroverted, charismatic and humorous. And usually, both men and women would prefer partners with clear and unblemished skin.

Hubby and I had this conversation the other day.

He said, “Before I meet you, my dating criteria would be a girl who is slim and much shorter than me.”

For those of you who have never met me before… erm… I can hardly be categorised as slim. And I am actually quite tall as a girl.

He continued. “But now, I cannot imagine going out with someone who is too skinny. And your height seems just right.”

I thought it was really interesting. Because I have always wanted to date someone who is of bigger build than me. And someone who is outgoing and the life of the party. People who know my hubby would probably laugh at this point. Because hubby is so introverted that some of my friends initially wonder if we ever communicate!

And now, I cannot fathom going out with a guy who is too loud. Or too outgoing. Or someone who is too beefed up!

It’s quite funny, don’t you think?

We always think we know what we want. And what works for us. But when we meet someone whom we can connect on a higher level with… all these initial rules just do not apply anymore! And more ironically, our ‘taste’ actually changes! Because our brain now tells us that this is actually our ‘type’, and we are now conditioned to believe that this is our ‘type’.

And there I was, thinking I knew what I wanted…

I have not written about love for months. Those of you who are my faithful readers might have realized that. Well, it is not that “I am all out of love”, but I just have not had the opportunity to sit down, be inspired to write.

Recently, hubby and I caught up on our movie marathon. You know, we love to watch movies. And before babe come along, we used to be frequent patrons of the cinema. Action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, war, romance comedy, slapstick – you name it, we are up for it. Well, apart from horror… haha! I do not want to waste $10 on 2 hours of hiding behind my hands. Ok, the truth is out. I am those people who would hide behind a pillow when watching horror movies on TV. Haha!

Ok, sorry to digress. So, we watched a romance comedy that I have always wanted to watch… Music and Lyrics starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. How much better can you get? Both stars are like romance comedy naturals. Remember Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually? And Drew Barrymore in Ever After, Never been kissed, 50 First Dates? They were brilliant in those movies. I rest my case.

I have pretty high expectations for the show. And I was not disappointed. The storyline was believable, the music was great, the acting was good, and the chemistry between the leads was definitely sizzling.

There was a conversation that really stood out for me in this movie.

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that’s the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It’s the combination of the two that makes it magic.

For a memorable song. Music and lyrics. Definitely inseparable.

I have been asked many times. Violet, how do I choose the right one?

We might not want to admit it, but many of us are guilty of this. We choose purely based on the music. It is that which hooks us in and attract our attention. And you know the worst thing? We are actually programmed to be attracted to a certain type of “music”.

And as humans, we are quick to make first impressions. If the “music” is not right, we are quick to write off the song immediately.

I have begun to realize that Drew Barrymore is right. Music without beautiful lyrics just does not cut it for me anymore. A song can never be truly unforgettable unless the lyrics have touched my soul. And often, I am attracted to a song not for its music, but because of its inspiring, enduring and uplifting lyrics.

Music first? Or lyrics first?

Choose wisely.

As a modern-day matchmaker, I spend a fair bit of my time making matches.

One of the questions that I get asked all the time is… “How do you match?”, “How do you know that it is a good match?”

Truth is, I can never be 100% sure that it will turn out to be a good match. There have been times that my team of dating consultants and I are so sure that it is a good match, and we even think that they will get married.

Then we will wait for the verdict.

The guy gave his feedback. “It was an absolutely fantastic date! She’s such a wonderful person. I would love to meet up with her again! Thank you so much!”

Wow…! In our heads, we were thinking, we will be getting a wedding invitation soon.

We called the lady, and she said… “He was ok. But not someone I would date. I don’t mind keeping in touch with him as a friend.”

There is no 100%. I always joke… If we could guarantee 100%, our membership fees and charges would be priced very differently. Apparently, the most expensive matchmaker (verified by the Guiness Book of Records) charges US$200,000. And yes, she guarantees marriage.

Ok, jokes aside… how do we match?

There are many aspects that we look at.

First and foremost, we need to learn more about the preferences of our client. What are his/her profile, physical and personality preferences? When we say profile, we mean age, education level, religion, ethnicity, smoking and drinking habits. Physical = height and built. And personality would include characteristics such as introverted vs. extroverted, spontaneous vs. organised etc.

Next, we will find out more about our client through our face-to-face consultation with him/her. Even though we gather profile information via a questionnaire which our client fills in, often, how we perceive ourselves, and how others perceive us are different. Thus, the matchmaker’s assessment is very important when it comes to matching.

We also take time to find out about our client’s past relationships, passions, his/her values, what is most important to him or her. E.g. for someone, religious faith is very important. Recently, I made a match between a lawyer and a teacher. Initially the teacher was slightly apprehensive about dating a lawyer. But both of them are staunch believers, and this common value binds them together, giving them a common ground. They are currently dating each other.

After each date, we will obtain feedback from our clients. The feedback is a two-pronged approach. Firstly, it allows our clients to give us feedback on what they like or dislike about the match. This would help us refine the matching criteria for their subsequent matches. Secondly, it gives us an insight on how our client is as a date. Obviously when we meet our client at our office, how he/she behaves would be distinctly different from how he/she would behave on a date.

And there you have it… by using the plethora of information we have, we handpick each and every match for our client. And of course, a dash of intuition comes in handy too.

For some clients, all it takes is one match. And they would have met their special someone. But for some clients, it might take more than 30 matches. Interestingly, one of our upcoming weddings in June… it was his 10++ date, and it was her first.

So, if you are single and dating… take each and every new date as an opportunity to meet a new friend. You’ll never know where each opportunity takes you!

Enjoy your weekend!

Dear Violet, I recently met this nice, wonderful girl. You could say she is perhaps the dream girl I have been waiting for all these while.But there is a catch here: she is a staunch Christian and it is important for her to find someone who shares the same beliefs and values as her. The problem is, I am not a Christian but I do not mind whatever faith the girl believes in. But the same cannot be said about her.

What should I do?

Sincerely, K

Dear K,

Thank you for your email!

This is a tricky one. There is no quick and fast solution. As a believer myself, I can understand where your girl is coming from. Especially, if she is a staunch Christian, I think it is probably very important for her to share her life with someone who is of a similar faith and has similar religion depth.

A few questions for you – are you open to finding out more about her religion? And are you open to subsequently converting to her religion when you are ready? If the answers to these questions are YES, then I think there is a higher chance that things could work out between the both of you.

However, like in any relationships, it takes two hands to clap. Is your girl willing to wait for you to find out more about her religion with the potential of accepting Christ one day? If she expects that the person whom she dates MUST be a Christian to start off with, I would say that it is difficult for you to change her mind.

There are many inter-faith relationships that have worked out. However, it is based on the common understanding that the couple accepts each other’s faith. There have also been cases where one party eventually converts to the other’s religion as well… but it must be of the person’s own free will of course!

To conclude, from my personal experience of working with clients of different belief systems… it is not easy to convince someone to date out of their religion preference, and I don’t believe we should persuade people to do so as well because religion is a very personal decision. And even if they reluctantly agree at this point, they would more often than not change their mind subsequently. 

All the best, and may things work out for you!

Sincerely, Violet

P/S: Dear readers, do you have any personal experiences or advice to share with K? Please feel free to comment!