Rani: Is it possible for a long-distance relationship to work? My boyfriend is on a 2-year stint in the US and although he visits during major occasions, I feel that the distance is somehow making us grow apart.

Yes. And I’m a living testament . My husband and I had a long-distance relationship for 2 and a half years when I was studying overseas. At the end of the day, it’s about mutual trust and also making the effort to ensure your relationship stays strong.

One of the most important things is to establish a timeline – knowing when the long-distance element of the relationship will end and you’ll be in a normal relationship again. Being apart doesn’t mean that you cannot do things together. For example, you can still play games online to stay connected.

First appeared in herworld.com

Michelle: I find it really hard to open up my feelings to my boyfriend of 5 years. Sure, we talk a lot, but it’s all fluff and nothing about our future as a couple. What’s wrong with me and how can I open up without it turning awkward?

The best relationships are those where the husband and wife are each other’s best friend. If you find it hard to open up your feelings to your boyfriend now, your relationship might be heading for disaster in the long run. You want to be able to pour your heart out to your future partner.

Or maybe it’s just talking about marriage that you find difficult? Many women find this difficult because they’re afraid to “lose face”. Or they’re afraid if they push too hard, the man will run. You’ve gone out with him for 5 years, I don’t think you want to go out with him for another 5 years with no commitment set in place. Start out with some open-ended questions like “Where do you see our relationship going?” At the end of the day, you have to share with him how you feel. And if he’s not responsive, you really might want to re-evaluate your relationship with him.

First appeared in herworld.com

Li-ann: My fiance and I have been discussing our future family life together. One of the things we can't agree on is my work – he wants me to be a full-time housewife. How do I convince him that I can still be a good wife, mother and career woman?

Many times, people have certain expectations due to their upbringing. Chances are your fiancé’s mum could have been a full-time housewife and he grew up having his mum there for him all the time. Or, his mum was a career woman and he felt that she was never there for him, and doesn’t want the same for his children. Try to see things from his point of view and where he’s coming from. Perhaps you could suggest to him to let you give it a go – to balance your roles as a good wife, mother and career woman. But, you must also be open to making some adjustments if eventually you’re not able to cope as well as you thought you would. After all, a marriage is about give and take.

First appeared in herworld.com

DaFG=Dating Advice for Guys

Time flies. Before you know it, we are approaching the middle of 2010. And you think to yourself, where has the year gone? One of your New Year resolutions is to meet the girl of your dreams, and you do not seem to be getting anywhere. It is not that you are not meeting new people. You are! But… there’s always a “But”.

Here is a useful guide to look out for the 4 signs that indicate that you should really de-clutter your dating life and dating style before it is too late!

Sign #1: Your female friends and colleagues refuse to introduce their female friends to you.

You might read this and shrug. You might even laugh it off. But this is a rather telling sign. Do you know that the most preferred way for people to meet is through mutual friends? And it is also one of the most common methods that people meet their special someone. So if your network of female friends is writing you off from their books, do you know how much you are missing out on? My guess is the reason they are writing you off is they are rather put off by your behavior or your attitude towards dating.

What you can do: Therefore, rather than just laugh, ask them why. Why wouldn’t they introduce you to their female friends? It could be the way you dress. The way you talk. Or maybe just the way you treat them. You can get BIG insights to what you are doing wrong. Ask them how you could turn yourself around so that they feel you are introduction-worthy. Many guys make the mistake of boxing their female friends and colleagues as non-romantic interests; hence they do not need to make any extra effort with these female friends. Perhaps it’s time you readjust your classification. See them as your resource – people who could possibly introduce you to the girl of your dreams!

Sign #2: When you muster enough courage and walk across the room to approach a girl, you catch her giving her friend the ‘Oh no, not him!’ look.

We all know that look. It could be a crestfallen look, as they were hoping that it was your cute and eligible friend walking over. Or it could be a pitying look because they think you are way out of their league. If you are cast off even before you have struck up a conversation, chances are you have a presentation problem. You do not come across as confident or attractive enough. It could be your dressing, or your hairstyle, or your demeanor in general.

What you can do: Do a personal style assessment. If you have some spare cash, hire an image consultant. If not, gather a few friends and ask them to give you some brutally honest opinion on your physical outlook, your grooming and your dressing. Of course, gather friends whom you think have a better fashion sense than you. Most male magazines would have fashion tips. Look at what the latest trends are, and update your wardrobe and your style. A good haircut also makes a great difference!

Sign #3: Your dates never answer your phone calls or reply your SMSes after the first date.

You asked her out for a first date and she agreed. In your opinion, the date went well. She appeared attentive and interested. You thought you did all the right things. You try to impress her by telling her more about yourself. However, when you call her after that fateful date, she never returns your call, and she never replies to your SMSes. And you just don’t understand. Because you thought she was really keen. Well, chances are you are missing out on all the ‘small things’ that women find important. Or you might be overdoing some things.

What you can do: Do a date audit trail. Try to recall blow-by-blow what happened during the first date. Were you rude to the waiter? Did you talk too much about yourself that you come across as a bragger? Were you considerate and let her order first? Were you on time? Did you offer to pick up the tab? Did you offer to send her home, or at least walk her to the cab stand? Some of these things might seem insignificant to you. But like it or not, these actions can either help you gain extra brownie points or end your potential romance prematurely.

Sign #4: Your dates always eventually sheepishly ask you to introduce them to your seemingly more confident best friend. And they thank you for being such a nice guy.

You go on a few dates together, and in your opinion, things are going well. You are always thoughtful and courteous. You try to please her as much as you can. But somewhere in the 3^rd or 4^th date, she tells you that you are a really nice guy and they would love to be friends. You always end up in the ‘Friend Zone’.  There’s a Chinese saying, “If men are not ‘bad boys’, women would not love them.” The problem with being too nice is women would perceive that you are of a lower value, hence you are trying to bribe them. Women like men who are confident, who believe in themselves, who carry themselves well. And these are some qualities that the ‘bad boys’ possess.

What you can do: Stop trying to be a pleaser. It just does not work. Observe how your ‘bad boys’ friends behave around women. See how confident they are, and how women flock to them like moth to fire. I am not encouraging bad behavior, but I am encouraging you to be more decisive, to be more confident. Know what you want, and go out and get it. Women are attracted to men who are driven and ambitious.

You might see yourself in one of the four scenarios, or you might even see yourself in more than one category. One of the keys to being a successful dater is being aware of your strengths and your limitations, and work on improving your ‘inner game’.

Have fun taking stock of your dating lifestyle, and happy dating!

First appeared in New Man magazine, Malaysia.

Vishak: I am a 35-year-old expat with no boyfriend. I'm seriously considering asking my company for a transfer to another country. I love it here in Singapore but I find that there aren't enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me.

I think it’s quite interesting that you said “there aren’t enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me”. Many of my female clients are single and successful career women. And most of them are strong-willed, driven and aggressive. This is what I tell them, “Men are looking to marry women, not men!”

Unfortunately, the same skills that you have acquired and adopted to climb up the corporate ladder don’t necessarily bring you very far in the dating game. I suggest that you leave the fist-thumping back in the board room, and rediscover your feminine side. I always say to my female clients, “You do not always have to have the last say! You are on a date, not a debate!” I’m not asking you to play dumb, I’m merely asking you to revel in your femininity. Enjoy the chase. Enjoy being a woman. In fact, it’s our privilege! Change your perspective, and you will suddenly realize that there are many eligible and confident men around you after all.

First published in herworld.com

If you are looking for a serious relationship, there are 2 categories of men you should avoid. The time wasters and the players. In Part 1 & 2, we have talked about the time wasters. In Part 3, we are going to discuss the player.

Category 2: Players

This is the ideal type of man to date if all you want to do is have lots of dates and do lots of fun things with them.  The player is someone who has a strong need to be surrounded by beautiful women, so he will put all of his time and effort into pursuing different women who meet his high standards of beauty, intelligence, and other superficial characteristics he decides are important. 

He knows how to flatter a woman, make her feel good, and get her to swoon over him in so many different ways.  Yes, the player is a charming and interesting man who understands how to treat a woman very well for the sole purpose of getting her to stay “hooked” on him and continue giving him what he wants in the relationship.  She may think he has her wants and needs at heart, but the reality is he only cares about her needs just enough so that he can get her to continue fulfilling his needs.  In other words, he doesn’t really care about her; rather, he cares about making sure she is focused on doing what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants.

A man who is a player will spend most of his time focused on trying to “conquer” a particular woman; it’s the thrill of the chase that he’s after, and only the chase holds his excitement an and interest for any length of time.  Because of his, a player is usually not interested in any kind of a commitment; in fact, he’ll actively avoid any woman who shows even the slightest sign of wanting something more than just a casual dating relationship.

A player doesn’t put a lot of thought into what the woman is experiencing, either.  For instance, he’s not interested in identifying her needs and attempting to fill them in any way; rather, he’s interested in making sure she pays attention to his needs and that she focuses on meeting them as much as possible.  In other words, it’s all about him.  Period.

Some advice on how to avoid players…

Practice enlightened equality. Do not play mind games or indulge in emotional blackmailing. And do not take his games. A strong and lasting relationship is built on mutual respect and trust, not on games.

And last but not least, appreciate and respect the characteristics of the nice guys such as sincerity, stability and loyalty. They may not be as fun, exciting, intriguing or suave. But these are the qualities that would make a relationship work in the long run.

Remember: Smart woman only date the marrying type!

***

This is the end of this 3 part series of 'Are you dating the marrying type?'

Dearest Readers,

I am now herworld.com's Relationship Q&A Expert! Felt very honoured when I was first approached by herworld.com to be on their panel of experts. It's definitely a wonderful opportunity to share my insights and knowledge. Am really glad that I am given another avenue to help more single and dating ladies out there!

If you have any pressing questions about love, dating and relationships, please do visit herworld.com to drop me a question. You might also find out that someone else has already asked a question similar to yours, and the question is right there!

Thank you for your support all these while, and am looking forward to writing more insightful blog posts! Btw, if you have not registered to vote yet, please vote for me at the Singapore Blog Awards 2010 under "Most Insightful Blog" category. Thanks in advance!

Have a wonderful weekend ahead!

Here are two categories of confirmed bachelors that you should go out of your way to avoid.

Category 1: Time wasters

These are the men who are single, have been single for a long time, and intend to be single for a long, long time.  They are not at all focused on creating a warm relationship and taking it to a higher level of commitment; just the opposite, in fact, because time wasters love to play the game of keeping you on their hook as long as possible.  They’ll even go to great lengths to string you along as long as possible.

A man who is a time waster is usually pretty easy to spot.  Why?  He’ll be the one who is extremely self-absorbed and interested in himself; his dreams and goals are most important, bar none, and everything else is secondary to his own needs.  Another sign of a time waster is someone who is constantly pining away for another woman, typically an ex who for whatever reason is no longer with him.  Even if she treated him poorly, or in fact left him for someone else, he still views her as being the ideal woman. 

Instead of focusing on looking for another woman who has similar characteristics he becomes obsessed over her, spending all of his time reminiscing about “what used to be”.  Because this kind of man is seldom (if ever) going to become a committed, reasonable, balanced partner, staying with him is nothing more than a waste of your time.  You’d be much better off getting rid of him for good!

When Melissa first came to me, she was convinced she had been dating a terrific guy but was greatly frustrated because the relationship was not progressing the way she wanted it to progress.  In fact, she and this man had recently broken up but he was still calling her, saying he wanted to keep in touch.

“I thought he was truly The Right One,” she told me with a sad look on her face.  “He’s handsome, interesting, successful, and have a heart of gold and when we’re together we have a great time.  We went out for over three years, so there must be something “real” there, right?”

After we talked a while longer I discovered some things about the man and Melissa’s relationship with him that explained why the relationship never progressed to something serious: 

The man is a time waster.

Melissa described to me a number of things she experienced with him, including:

1.  He never felt comfortable introducing her to his parents.

2.  Whenever they would encounter relatives or friends out in public, he would suddenly stop holding hands with her.

3.  Whenever any topics related to commitment came up, he would shy away from them and quickly change the subject.

4.  After breaking up he continued to call her, as if he wanted to continue having a hold on her without the commitment of being boyfriend/girlfriend.

“Violet, I don’t know what to do!  I really thought he was The Right One, so why aren’t things working out the way I want them to?”

The answer, I told her, is simple:  The guy is nothing more than a time waster.  He wants to date and have fun, but he has absolutely no interest in a meaningful, long term relationship with her or any woman, at least for now.

The solution to this situation is also quite simple.  Melissa should cut off all communication with him, period, going “cold turkey” and getting him out of her life and her mind.  Nothing good can ever come from dating a time waster, so the best thing Melissa could do for herself, I told her, was to get rid of him, learn from her mistake, and start putting her time and effort into meeting and dating quality men.

I understand that it is not easy. You might hold on to the beautiful memories that you have shared, or harbouring hopes that things might suddenly work out. Look at it this way, if you move on, and he comes begging for you to go back to him, then that means he truly cherish you, and he is willing to commit. You get what you want. However, if he does not, then he has truly revealed his true colours. He is not interested in a committed relationship.

You are better off not wasting your time on him!

(To be continued… To be notified of my blog updates, sign up for my FREE newsletter.)

happilyeverafter is the latest category of posts dedicated to all the wonderful single ladies out there! This blog post is part of a multi-part series.

***

There are two types of men out there:

1. The men who will marry

2. The confirmed bachelors

Smart women date only one type of men – the marrying type.

The Marrying Type

So what is the marrying type? This is the ideal type of man to date if your end goal is to get married, settle down, and start a family. 

Violet, so how do I identify and zoom in on the marrying type?

For some, it is easy to identify them. They always appear to be more responsible than their peers. They come across as dependable and reliable. They are filial and family oriented. They love kids.

However, sometimes it is not as easy to identify them. The marrying type is also someone who is tired of the whole singles life and is more than ready for a change.  He may feel as if he no longer has much in common with his single friends, and he’s tired of being alone all the time.

A man who is the marrying type will focus more and more on looking for real love and attraction rather than strictly on biological attraction.  What’s more, he will probably admit openly (although sometimes a bit reluctantly) that a serious relationship is desirable to him and perhaps even that he wants to get on with the experience of being a father.

The reasons for marriage change as men age. The younger men typical go for the traditional reasons – love and companionship. The men over 40, like women, have ‘biological clock’ as well. They realize that the years are passing them by, and they are not as fit as they used to be. As they still want to be young enough to play and teach their sons – play ball or ride a bicycle, they start to think about settling down.

Now that you have an idea how to identify the marrying type, I would like you to keep your eyes open for the confirmed bachelors, as these are the men that you want to avoid. However, sometimes they are well-disguised, and you may be tricked into thinking otherwise.

(To be continued… To be notified of my blog updates, sign up for my FREE newsletter.)

A while ago, I was contacted by Munkysuperstar's Clicknetwork about one of their shows… Xiaxue's Guide to Life! I was like… wow! I have been following Xiaxue's blog on and off for a while now. I am impressed by how she has built her blog and her brand. When I hear people saying, "Xiaxue is such a bimbo!" I will tell them, no bimbo will be able to garner such a big following. Do you know her daily readership is bigger than some monthly magazines? She might sometimes portray herself in a frivolous manner, but she's definitely a smart girl.

So anyway, they wanted to know if I wanted to teach Xiaxue (a.k.a. Wendy Cheng) to match-make. And I was of course I said yes!

I had a lot of fun at the shoot. Xiaxue and Gillian (owner and director @Munkysuperstar) were really nice and easy to work with. You can find some photos taken on site the shoot here.

They even found Xiaxue a 'client' to practise her skills on. The guy Terence is really sporting I thought. 

One of the advice that Xiaxue gave to Terence was that he should not arrive on time for a date. He should actually arrive late, because if he arrives early, the girl would think that he's too keen. And Terence was quite shocked with her advice.

This is a question that I get from many guys actually. Even from one of my previous posts, one reader asked,

hmm…. I've done the 3 items that Edwards has done but I'm still dateless…. on the other hand, I've seen man who do the exact opposite being more successful with ladies. So not really sure what works and what doesn't work.

The answer is… it really depends on the type of girls you are going for. And the type of guy you are.

For men who are going for women who receive more attention that she can handle, then of course, if you go with the plain vanilla approach all the time, it's going to fall flat. Just imagine this, you are a beautiful woman, and everywhere you go, heads will turn. You probably have people try to get your number and pick you up 5-10 times a day. Or even more! And when you do go on a date, most of the guys play the perfect gentleman and arrive punctually, presents in toll, waiting for your arrival. You have already come to expect it. It's boring.

So for a guy to grab her attention, what can he do? He has to do the exact opposite of what all the other men have been doing! By arriving late, he would have riled her up because in her mind she's thinking, "Who do you think you are? How dare you!" At the same time, there will be a tiny thought in her head, "This guy is different from the others. He dares to be late when coming on a date with me, could it be his 'market value' is actually higher than mine?"

However, for Terence, I believe that he's looking for someone who's down-to-earth and girl-next-door. Someone who probably would appreciate his punctuality and his chivalrous acts. By turning up late, he might actually put her off. Yes, she would also think, "Who do you think you are?" but more importantly, she would think, "He is not worth my time as he does not even bother to respect my time!"

So, to be punctual or late?

There's no right or wrong answer.

However, I do advice all my clients (male & female) to be punctual on their first dates, For me personally, I feel that it is only right that you respect other people's time. And if a guy is not going to be interested in me because I am punctual (because maybe being punctual, to him, it's a sign of desperation), then he is probably not the right fit for me!

Happy dating!

***

For those of you who have not had the chance the watch the video, here it is!

GTL EP75 Matchmaking from clicknetwork on Vimeo.

A couple of weeks ago, I read that HK superstars Nicholas Tse 谢霆锋 and Cecilia Cheung 张柏芝 have just welcomed their latest addition to the family. Now they are a happy family of 4.

I must say, Nicholas Tse has definitely surprised me repeatedly.

He has totally changed my initial opinion of him. When he first came onto the entertainment scene, I dismissed him very quickly as another 'bad boy'. He exemplifies all if not most of the 'bad boy' traits. Cocky, cool, good-looking, good with women. 

And when the scandal involving his wife Cecilia Cheung broke, I thought to myself, that's it… the marriage is probably over. With all the Chinese media blowing things out of proportion, and so much scrutiny surrounding his wife, someone like him probably would throw in the towel. I know, I know… I should not have been so quick to judge. And I must say, I have been humbled.

He supported her throughout the entire incident. He shielded her through the entire saga. He did not say much, but his actions speak louder than words. At her lowest point, he was her rock and refuge.

Later, when things have blown over, Cecilia revealed in a TV interview that she was so scared when she found out about the photos leak, as she knew that her photos would eventually surface. And when she told Nicholas, he just told her, "Don't worry, I am here." And when Nicholas was later interviewed about the saga, he said, "When I married her, I already know what sort of woman she was…" I am so touched by his words and his actions because he is so absolutely sure about his own choice and his own decision. And even though the saga might have made him 'lose face' which is such a big thing with Chinese culture, he was totally unfazed by it!

He surprised me a second time with his love philosophy 爱情观. I caught one of his more recent interviews with one of the China's TV stations, and when asked about his love philosophy, he said, there are 4 stages when it comes to love.

1. Passion 激情

2. Romance 爱情

3. Family Love 亲情

4. Friendship 友情

And these are the four components of love 感情. 

I am surprised not because there is anything wrong with what he has said. What he has said is what many relationship experts have been trying to share, but I just did not expect an artist, needless to say superstar like him to think that way! We often read about break-ups and divorces in the entertainment world especially Hollywood. And the reason is simple, as many of these relationships do not go past the first stage – Passion. I always describe passion like fireworks. It's absolutely beautiful, but it's also short-lived and it will fizzle out eventually. 

I really liked what he said about the 4th stage. He said eventually, as the children grow, and you become old, it will turn into friendship. And at this point, some of the audience probably have expressions of disbelief, and the host told them to give him a chance to explain, since he is a 'person of experience'.

He said, ultimately, we are all looking for a companion.

I think many people usually miss this point. They don't understand that passion and romance do not last forever. So they choose their mate just based on the first two stages. And when they move on to the third and the fourth phase, the cracks start to show, because they are just simply not compatible. They have nothing to talk about. They actually do not even enjoy each other's company! I have heard of quite a lot of husbands or wives staying out as late as possible, or leaving the house as early as possible, as they want to spend as little time as possible with their spouse. 

It is really wonderful that Nicholas Tse is sharing his love philosophy. My hope is that more of his impressionable fans would listen to him and subscribe to his philosophy.

Maybe Nic would succeed where many relationship gurus have failed.

—

Nic shares his love philosophy: http://www.56.com/u52/v_NDIwOTEyMzM.html

Latest update 23 August 2011: Just heard the latest news. Nicholas and Cecilia have just finalized their divorce terms. At the end of the day, having a great love philosophy is not enough. Ultimately, there must be constant communication and constant compromise. Good luck to both of them, and hopefully, one day, they will find their one true love.

This morning, I received a fantastic surprise! I found out that I am one of the finalists in the Singapore Blog Awards under the 'Most Insightful Blog' category! When I first read about this award, I thought I would just register my blog at a whim. Hence, I am really honoured to be selected as one of the finalists from the 1000s of nominations!

So my dear readers, please vote for me at http://sgblogawards.omy.sg/category/

Here are some quick step-by-step pointers…

1. If you are not a member of omy.sg, you just need to join as one. The process is short and quick, would take you less than 2 minutes.

2. After signing up as a member and confirming your registration via the email link they send you, go to http://sgblogawards.omy.sg/category/ and choose 'Most Insightful Blog' category.

3. You will see my headshot, and the 'Vote' ribbon on it. Click on the ribbon, and NOT my face. Because if you click on my face, it would bring you to my blog.

4. After you click on the 'Vote' ribbon, you will be asked to confirm if you would like to vote for me. Click YES!

5, Then, the 'Vote' ribbon will change to say 'Voted'. And voila, you are done!

You can vote once a day for each award category. Please vote generously!

By voting, apart from supporting your favourite blogger , you also stand a chance to win some amazing prizes from omy.sg… Garmin Asus M10 smartphone, 3 days 2 nights holidays among others.

Thanks in advance for your votes! Have a wonderful week ahead!

Edward Cullen? Edward who?Those of you who are currently dating or married probably know which Edward I am talking about… because your girlfriends or wives cannot stop telling you about him. For those of you who don’t, don’t worry, I will fill you in. 

Edward Cullen is the male lead in the Twilight saga, which started off as teen fiction, and now brought to life in the big screen. Ever since the first movie ‘Twilight’ was released, Edward has won thousands if not millions of girls and women over. Teenage girls and their mothers alike are crazy about him.

Why? You wonder… Well, because he is every girl’s dream guy. He’s the ‘perfect guy’. Well, he’s actually a vampire. Anyway, that’s another story altogether. So here goes… he’s tall, handsome, mysterious, dreamy eyes and sensitive, you get the drift.

Before you dismiss him as another F4 boy, he has the strength of a superhero. He is super strong. He can block a truck coming your way at 100km/hour with one hand. He is smart and well-read. And he plays the piano. Yes, my friends, he has the entire package. Luckily for you guys, he’s fictional! J

However, there are a few things that you can learn from Edward to make you a super date yourself.

1. Edward is always polite and courteous. Edward comes from the 19^th century; hence he’s a perfect gentleman. He opens the car doors for her. He is polite to all the waiting staff when they go to restaurants. He is sweet to her friends. Even though her father does not treat him in the nicest nor friendliest manner, he is always gracious and polite and never loses his cool. Takeaway point: Want to score brownie points? Stop acting all macho in front of her friends. Be nice to them, and earn their approval. Meeting her parents? Impress them with your impeccable manners. And treat her like a lady. Forget the gender equality. When it comes to dating, a lady wants to be pampered and looked after. Full stop.

2. Edward always puts her needs first. Well, as I mentioned earlier, Edward is a vampire. And his lady love Bella is a human. Even though he really loves her, he is constantly tempted to quench his thirst. And the smell of blood is so, so tempting. So whenever he is with her, he always has to restrain himself from biting her even though his entire physique is saying… Bite her!!! Takeaway point: The next time she wants to go shopping and you wish you could just laze in front of the TV, instead of dragging your feet, surprise her by being an enthusiastic shopping partner. She would be extremely delighted to know that you adore her enough to put her needs before yours.

3. Edward is always there. Yes, he is ALWAYS there. Even when she’s sleeping! As you know vampires do not sleep at night. In Edward’s case, he does not sleep ever. Anyway, when she sleeps, he lies beside her and watch her sleep. Yes, I am not kidding. So when she wakes up, he’s always the first thing she sees. Takeaway point: Ok, I know some of you will be gagging now. J But you know what, women like their men to be there for them. Not necessarily watching them sleep, but knowing that they can count on you and rely on you. And you will be there for them no matter what.

Try out these new 'tricks', and I am sure your date or your girlfriend will be extremely impressed with the ‘new’ you!

Happy dating!

Article first appeared in New Man, Malaysia.

Last weekend was one hectic and busy weekend!

Received a call from Mediacorp on Labour Day i.e. Saturday morning that they would like to do a shoot for the Channel 8 Evening News with regards to the public now being able to search up to 2 marital records for free per year. To find out more about this latest initiative, click here.

Then on Sunday evening, I rushed to Caldecott Hill after a quick dinner with Jamie and our friends, for the filming of Singapore Talking Episode 4 – “Is Marriage for Me?”

I have always enjoyed talk shows as it is a free and easy format where the host and guest can interact with one another and exchange views on the topic at hand.

I was invited as a panel speaker to this particular episode as they would like to get my expert views on why there are more and more singles in Singapore despite the fact that up to 80% of singles polled indicated that they would like to get married. The other invited panelists were Vanessa Fernandez (better known as Vandetta), a 987FM DJ and John Ng, mediation consultant and author of “Dim Sum for the Family”. And the host is Ashraf Safdar, a banker with UBS.

As there were 1 host, 3 panel speakers, and only 27 minutes to work with, we were advised to be succinct and concise.

It is an interesting discussion as John and I are obviously pro-marriage, and Vanessa does not believe in the institution of marriage. Personally, I respect that some people do not want to get married for X, Y, Z reasons. Because at the end of the day, it is a very personal choice. And we cannot force them. Though we can try to persuade and coax them.

I think another worrying trend is the people who really want to get married but are facing various challenges due to their profile or their dating preferences. Actually, unlike what many people think, these singles are not unattractive or ineligible.

I have highlighted some of these challenges on the show. I will post up the video link once it has been uploaded by Mediacorp.

Meanwhile, here are more photos…

Above: Getting some ‘touch up’ during the break.

Above: Having a chat with Ms. V during the break.

Above: Hmm, not a flattering shot… but oh well!

Above: And that’s the 4 of us… Vanessa, Violet, Ashraf & John!

So, what are your views? If you are not married, is marriage for you? Looking forward to hear your views!

I first came across the concept of  ’The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman a few years ago. But I never actually paid enough attention to find out more.

A couple of months back, I was reminded of “The Five Love Languages” when I invited a friend of mine to speak at my Rotary Club on the topic. I started to pay more attention to what these 5 love languages are.

1) Words of Affirmation: “I love you!” and unsolicited compliments are highly appreciated by people whose love language is this.

2) Physical Touch: Not so much the sexual sense… but more on hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, a peck on the forehead etc.

3) Receiving Gifts: This is not about being materialistic, but it is about appreciating the thoughtfulness behind the gift.

4) Quality Time: This is about being there, and giving undivided attention to your partner.

5) Acts of Service: Helping to take on the ‘burden of responsibilities’. Vacuuming can be a show of love!

Hence, Jamie and I also decided to find out what our respective love languages are. And I tell you, it is rather amazing how you can dramatically improve your relationship with a person if you know what their love languages are!

Before we go into that, let me share with you about a woman whom I met last month during the Abundant Women Power Talk!

While I was sharing, I realised that a middle aged lady walked quietly into the room and took a seat at the back. And at the end of my talk, she came up to me and told me that she actually did not register for the talk at all. But because she was at the administration office to finish up some paperwork, the admin person told her about the talk, and she decided to come by.

And she told me,

“Violet, I am so glad that I have walked into your talk!”

During my talk, I shared some of my personal experiences about how gender differences and love languages can impact on a relationship. She shared that I have helped to shed some light on her marriage of close to 30 years.

From her sharing, her love language is probably quality time. But her husband’s love language is acts of service and receiving gifts. So when her husband shows her love by his actions and gifts, it just does not register that he is showing her love.  What SHE wanted him to do is to… spend more time with her. And when he does not, she just feels that he does not love her.

After she heard my sharing on the love languages, she actually said,

“Oh no! My poor husband must be feeling rather unloved all these years!”

Unfortunately, everyday conflicts and unhappiness often occur when the couple does not understand each other’s love language.

One of my girl friends shared with me that she thinks that her husband does not love her. Based on my analysis, her love language is words of affirmation and her husband’s love language is acts of service. (Seems like many men have acts of service as their love language!) So to cut the long story short, her husband does not always say “I love you!” but he tries to demonstrate his love by doing things for her like cleaning the toilet etc. But, she does not understand that he is trying to say “I love you!” And she will comment on how he can do the job better… Err, recipe for argument? Definitely!

I share with my friend on what I know about the 5 love languages, and hopefully this can help her to minimize and diffuse potential conflicts between her hubby and her.

So anyway, back to Jamie and I. After doing the test, we realised that we have a completely different set of love languages! Yes, we were pretty shocked! Hence now, I understand why when he says something or does not do something, I will get terribly upset. And I also understand why he does certain things, and I am starting to appreciate those things more because… THAT is his way of showing me that he loves me!

By a simple act of incorporating some of these elements into our daily life i.e. demonstrating love not only in our own love language, but in our partner’s or our family member’s love language, we can immediately improve the quality of our relationships!

So, what is your love language?

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Want to know what your love languages are? Do the quiz here!

Want to learn more about the 5 love languages? Read more here…