Marriage Does Not Need To Be So Hard

"Marriage is really hard," someone who has recently separated from her husband said to me.

"We need to work at our marriage, but it is not supposed to be so hard. Not when you marry the right person," I said.

"There is no right person," she said. "There are no guarantees. No matter who you marry, your marriage can still break down. Maybe not in the first few years, or the first 10 years. But after that, nobody knows…"

I agree that marrying the right person is not a sure-win i.e. a guarantee that your marriage would not break down. But marrying the wrong person or marrying for the wrong reason is definitely a sure route to a unhappy marriage or a failed marriage.

So, who is the right person?

I don't believe in the concept that there is only one soulmate for every one of us. Because, if there's only one person that's suitable for you, and you happened to live in Greenland, and the other person in New Zealand, both of you might never ever meet in your lifetime, and that's rather sad. What I believe is that, there are people out there whom we are more compatible with. We might share similar values, similar life goals, similar background. And we are more likely to be able to spend hours and hours talking to each other, and not get bored talking to each other even after ten years of marriage. 

The problem is, many of us are looking for the wrong things when we are looking for a marriage partner. 

She must be pretty.

He must be at least 1.75m tall.

She must be slim.

He must be outgoing, confident, the life of the party.

And the list goes on…

I would know.

I too had a list when I was looking for a boyfriend. I called them my 3 golden rules. "He must be taller than me. He must be smarter than me. He must love me." And till today, I feel rather ashamed that my list had nothing to do with compatibility but everything to do with superficial and selfish criteria. I know I am extremely blessed that despite walking around with such a checklist, I found my Jamie, who is not just my husband, but also my best friend.

Looks do not last. Guys, you know that right? In another 30 or 40 years, no matter how pretty your girlfriend of wife is right now, she will age, and she might even put on some weight. Many men who marry for looks will eventually get frustrated in their marriages. Because after the initial passion dies down, they suddenly realise, they do not really know their wives, or worse still, they do not even like their wives. And honestly, they have nothing to talk about with their wives. And they find themselves spending more and more time out of their homes to avoid the 'silence'.

And my dearest ladies, it does not matter if he is 1.75m or 1.7m. It has no bearing on the type of person he is, the type of husband he can be, or the type of father he will be. I always feel sad that shorter men tend to overcompensate for their height because shorter men just have it so much harder when it comes to dating. And his sloppy dressing and presentation? Of course, we wish our other half will look as dashing and well-dressed as David Beckham or Andy Lau, but again, it says nothing about the person he is, and the type of relationship you would have. 

Just recently, I observed a married couple who is having dinner at the same restaurant as us. And throughout the entire meal which lasted about an hour, the couple did not say a single word to each other. I am serious. Not a single word. They did not seem angry with each other either, in case you wonder if they might be in an argument. The lady spent most of her time on her phone Facebook-ing, and the guy just looked plain bored. 

What do you do when you find yourself in such a marriage? Some say, "The solution is to have kids. Then, at least both of you have something in common – the kids." It is not too bad an idea under such circumstances as you will have a common topic for the next 18 years. But when the kids grow up, and move out, then what? Perhaps that's the reason for the rising divorces for couples in their 50s.

My dearest friends, if you are still single and finding love, you do not need to be in such a marriage. You have a choice. Choose wisely. Do not be tempted by short term pleasure and instant gratification. Choose compatibility. Choose common values. Choose ability to share a conversation.

Of course, it is cooler to have a drop-dead gorgeous trophy wife to impress your friends. Or maybe, your friends all have trophy wives, and you may feel like a loser if your wife is not as pretty, or if your wife is slightly plump.

Of course, it's impressive to have a husband who's tall, handsome, successful and well-connected. We might even feel that we will 'lose face' when our friends carry a more expensive handbag, drive a bigger car, live in a posher neighbourhood… finer things that our boyfriend from a more humble background or humble circumstances is not able to provide for us.

But you know something? All of these do not matter in the long run. Choose the right person, marry for the right reason, and you will have no regrets.

Don't get me wrong. Jamie and I have our own set of challenges in our marriage. We fight, we argue, we quarrel. But most of the times, we are happy, we are contented. We enjoy each other's company – be it having a good laugh, being silly, growing the dating business together or walking the journey of parenthood together.

My dearest friends, really… marriage does not need to be so hard. Please choose wisely.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Blog Restructuring in Progress

Dearest Readers,

Firstly, to my subscribers, am sorry for the multiple updates you have been receiving this morning. This is because I was importing posts from my other blog to this blog.

Secondly, I am in the midst of restructuring my blog to make it more congruent with ‘me’. 🙂 As many of you know, other than a professional matchmaker, I am also a mum, an entrepreneur and a lifelong learner. Hence, I am in the midst of making this blog a clearer reflection of myself and my life.

However, there is no cause for panic because I foresee that 70% of my blogposts will still be about dating and relationships. 🙂

Thanks again for your continuous support and encouragement! Have a great week ahead! 🙂

Love,
Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Is Your ‘Value’ Holding You Back?

I was invited to speak at a public seminar a few weeks back, and one of the other speakers shared,

"Wherever you are right now in life is a result of a value that you hold dear to."

When she said that, I immediately reflected on my own life.

Jamie and I wouldn't be able to build our business from zero to where it is right now, if we did not strongly believe in self-improvement. We have spent close to a hundred thousand dollars on self improvement courses and materials. Many people think we are crazy. We chose to invest in our personal growth rather in luxuries such as cars and plasma TVs. Yes, we still have one of those boxy TVs. 🙂

If I did not hold dear my family values, I would not have settled down at 25 and have our first child at 26, when most people my age are still clubbing and having fun.

And… If not for my 'value' of deriving pleasure from eating good food, I would not be constantly struggling with my weight!!!

If you are single, and have been single for most parts of your life, is there something within your value system that holds you back from finding love? Consciously, you think you want to find a partner. But subconsciously, are you telling yourself something else? I met a client recently who after a lot of probing, confessed to me that she thinks that she might have been sabotaging herself when it comes to love. And perhaps that is the reason she still has yet to find the right one despite being a pretty, confident and pleasant lady. Sometimes, we might be telling ourselves, "I am doing very well on my own!" or "Why do I want to compromise on what I already have? I am very comfortable with my lifestyle." or "Marriage will tie me down." 

You are in a no-win battle. You may take one step forward by joining a dating service to enlarge your social circle, but your value that you hold dear – "freedom" takes you two steps backward. And hence, no matter how many potential matches you meet, nothing ever works out because there will ALWAYS be something wrong with the person. You will always nitpick on something to squiggle your way out of a potential romance.

What is holding you back from finding your Mr. or Ms. Right? Very often, it is not just the external factors, but also the internal factors. 

Isn't it time we free ourselves from the bondage of values that do not serve us? Happy soul-searching! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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School Holidays are Here! :)

The school holidays are here!

I used to dread school holidays as I will not know what to do with two kids with endless and boundless energy!

Since I have embarked on the homelearning journey, I am actually looking forward to school holidays! Haha! They spend more time at home, and hence I have more time to do homelearning with them!

Our days are actually quite unstructured. I started out thinking that I should have a timetable i.e. we do this here, and do that there. However, since I have accumulated quite a number of learning tools, I will just let them choose what they would like to do, and we will learn together.

This morning, Cara wanted to do her numbers. She actually likes numbers more than Corum at this age (3+). She took out her mini white board, and started putting the magnetic numbers (that I bought from Daiso) on the board. And then we did some counting by putting the right number of magnets under each number.

After that, I also wrote down the Chinese Characters for each number, so she gets familiar with the Chinese Words for each number. She is very comfortable with counting 1-10 in both English and Chinese now.

After that, she wanted to do her puzzles. So, we started to work on that together. She gets every excited whenever she finishes each puzzle. And we would high-five each other.

For Corum, he woke up slightly later today. While Cara is working on her puzzles, I went through word blending with him using my newly arrived Jolly Phonics Word Cards (bought from www.fishpond.com.sg).

Now, they are playing with their train set and making up Thomas and Friends stories as they go along, with Jolly Phonics CD (also from fishpond.com.sg) playing in the background.

After another day of great homelearning, I am now getting ready and heading off to work! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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When was The Last Time You REALLY REALLY Laughed?

Dearest Readers,

Disclaimer: The following post might offend you. If you are not able to keep an open mind, or read it with a pinch of salt, I would suggest that you stop reading right now. Thanks, and have a great day ahead! 🙂

I met up with a business associate for lunch the other day, and he shared with me his observations about the fairer sex here on our sunny island of Singapore. He is not from Singapore. He has lived here for close to 20 years. 

As this is the first time we are meeting, at some point in the conversation, I said, "Oh, I am not Singaporean, I am Malaysian." He replied, "I could tell!" I was quite surprised. "Really? How?" One of the key reasons I was rather puzzled is because we were conversing in English. In the earlier days when I first came to Singapore, the taxi uncles would ask after a few minutes of conversation, "You are from Malaysia, right?" And that was because I spoke with a different Mandarin accent. Now, I think my accent has completely changed, and I never get that question any more. 

Anyway, back to questioning my friend. He said, to my surprise, "Singaporean girls do not laugh. They only laugh from the throat, but not from the belly." He went on to share, "The word to describe them is 'constipated'."

I immediately jumped to the Singaporean girls' defence. "I am sure that it is just some of the Singaporean girls that you have met. It cannot be all." He said, "Come on, I have been here for close to 20 years! I have met many Singaporean girls…" I said, "I still think it is a generalisation!" He gamely challenged me, "Well, you just go and observe from now on…!" Just in case you are wondering if he is single, he is happily married with teenage children. 

The above is my friend's personal opinion. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, and that's his. Whether his opinion is true or not, it did set me thinking. I think Singaporean or not, male or female, we probably come across as 'constipated' at some point or other in our lives.

I love to smile, I love to laugh. I usually get these comment a lot. "You smile a lot!" or "You love to laugh, don't you?" or "Is it really so funny?" The last question came from a Singaporean guy friend of mine. Perhaps it is because my Chinese name has the word "Laugh". I am not sure. If Chinese name has a part to play, I sure am glad that both my kids have the word "Happy" in their Chinese name.

When I hear something funny, I do not worry about looking silly or looking 'unladylike'. I will just laugh. And when I laugh, I would really vibrate with laughter. Not very 'glam' I must say. But I do love a good laugh. 

One of the key advices I always give to my clients or even blog readers when going on a date is, "Be happy! Smile! We all love to be around happy people!" Perhaps I should change my advice to,

"Do not be afraid to laugh! Laugh with your date, laugh at yourself! Even if nothing comes out of it, at least you have had a good laugh!"

In my humble opinion, think it is definitely better to come across as 'unglam' than 'constipated'. 🙂 And like the saying go, "Laughter is the best medicine!" According to Wikipedia… Laughter has been shown to lead to reductions in stress hormones. When laughing the brain also releases endorphins that can relieve some physical pain. Laughter also leads to a stronger immune system!

My dearest readers, so when was the last time you laughed? Like really, really laughed? What are you waiting for? Go and have a good laugh at my expense! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Sink or Float?

Corum and I have started on our Science Curriculum from Sonlight. We are kicking off with SPACE.

However, yesterday, we were playing with one of the File Folder Games that I have made for him using the printables from File Folder Game – Sink or Float. And we squeezed in some time for some science experiments! 🙂

The game itself is quite simple. There are 12 items that the child would have to sort out. Does it sink or does it float? Corum managed to sort out most of them quite easily. There were 3 that he was not too sure about.

1) Paper Clip

2) Ice Cube

3) Bottle Cork

So, we went about the house to look for these items. We did not manage to find a bottle cork unfortunately. Have asked our helper to keep one for us the next time someone pops open a wine or champagne.

So, off he went putting  a paper clip and an ice cube into the water, and he got his answers! He found the experiments really fun, and kept asking for more science experiments.

Haha! I am sure he’s going to love the ‘Mind Blowing Science’ Holiday Camp that we will be sending him to during the June Holidays! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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One’s Life Must Matter

Apart from matchmaking, public speaking is one of other passions. This is the speech that helped me win the Toastmasters Area Level International Speech Contest.

Have a wonderful weekend, my dearest readers! 🙂

***

“Aiyoh, you can’t do it one-la! You might look like him, sound like him, hair also thinning like him, but my friend, you are no Li Ka-Shing, you know! Stop dreaming-la!”

“Girl ah girl, you know mummy love you right? Mummy wants you to succeed, but you know, for people like us, we must be contented with what we have. This is the best you will ever be.”

Contest Chair, distinguished judges, ladies and gentlemen,

When was the last time someone poured cold water on your dreams?

When the last time someone close to you, despite well-intentioned and well-meaning ask you to stop dreaming?

Nick Vujicic was borne with a rare disease – a devastating disease where he was borne without all four limbs – yes, no arms and no legs. He was bullied mercilessly because he is different. They taunted him, they gawked at him, they laughed at him. At 10, he almost drowned himself. After he read a newspaper article about a man despite being severely disabled who went on to live triumphantly, he decided, “I will not kill myself. I will lead a full life. I will make my life matter.” Without hands, he learnt to write with his mouth. Without fingers, he learnt to type with his toes. Without arms and legs, he learned how to surf. And last month, he even did something even our Singapore government has failed to get many of its young citizens to do, he got married.

If anybody had an excuse to be depressed, Nick does.

If anybody had an excuse to stop trying to make his life matter, Nick does.

Yet, Nick has travelled around the world, gave speeches and motivated and inspired three million people.

If Nick can make his life matter, what is our excuse?

When I was 14 years old, I was told by someone whose opinion I should trust, something that I would remember for the rest of my life. This someone is none other than the headmistress of my secondary school. I can still remember that fateful day, where she stood in front of the entire class, stared long and hard at me and told me, “You are good for nothing!” My cheeks started to burn red and hot tears formed in my eyes. I bite my tongue as I knew better than to retort the headmistress.

10 years later, I quit my banking job to start a dating company with my husband. I was scared, I was worried, and do I have what it takes to make it? We worked very hard, and now our business spans across three countries. With God’s grace, we have touched thousands of lives and created hundreds of happy marriages. We have been featured on Bloomberg, Forbes, CNBC Asia and many others.

Fortunately for me, I never believed her .

Someone might have put us down, step all over our dignity and pride. There’s no excuse. We still can make our life matter.

I recently caught a movie and something the main character said struck a deep chord with me.

She said, “I will never be one of those women, who stay silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One’s life must matter, Denis, beyond all the cooking and the cleaning and the children. One’s life must mean more than that.”

This was said by Margaret Thatcher, the first and only female UK Prime Minister. In those days, it is remarkable for a woman for a woman to become a Member of Parliament. She herself never thought she would see a female Prime Minister in her life time.

The odds were against her. People laughed at her screechy voice. Her opponents were conspiring for her to fail.

When the time came to prove her mettle, when her country needed her, she stepped up and made her life matter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Whatever we do, wherever we are in our life journey, we can make our life matter.

If you want to start your own business, just do it. It does not matter that you have to start out small. It does not matter that your friends think you are crazy. In fact, I have learnt that the crazier they think you are, the better it is!

If you have chosen to be a homemaker, then ace it. Go all out and be the best homemaker you can be. Cook up a storm for your family so they can’t wait to come home for dinner every night. Bring up not just well-educated children, but also children that are compassionate and well-mannered, children that will make a difference to society.

You can do it. Start dreaming again. Make your life matter.

Contest Chair.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Ask Violet: Am I Unwanted, Ugly and Worthless?

Dear Violet,

My experiences in dating has been nothing but a complete failure. I read your success stories on how couples have found true love on net dating sites or through social events or other avenues. 

I tried being more socially active since many years ago when I was an undergraduate. I tried net dating, attended parties etc to know more individuals from the opposite sex but it always turned out to be hi-bye affairs. However, despite the strings of failures, I have never stopped trying. I began to evaluate the reasons of failure, "Why no guys were ever remotely romantically interested in me" I thought it was because of my physical appearances and presentation.  I worked hard in improving my looks, and even read up on books on dating and communication. But time and time again, with every attempt of meeting new guys from dating sites, or social events, it always turned up to be yet again a hi-bye affair or guys simply ignored me during social events, choosing to chat with other ladies.

My strings of failures really set me back. I have tried improving my looks, changing my social and communication skills but i always end up with failure. To be honest, I am totally hurted and rejected. Year after year, my attempts in trying to foster even friendships with the opposite gender have failed…  I can't help feeling rejected, unwanted, ugly and worthless while I see ppl getting attached one after another. I have also received my fair share of criticism about my looks from guys who have participated in these social events. I just met a guy this year and he tells me once again, he is not looking for a special one. I think im being written off again because of my looks.

I'm getting depressed. should i give up? It seems like a hopeless and endless situation.

Sincerely, P

Dear P,

Thank you for your email, and I would like to commend you for picking up the courage to write in!

It is not easy to see people around you getting hitched, and you are still single day after day, month after month. I know how that feels, because as I was growing up, I am always surrounded by more more attractive and beautiful friends. Guys usually only approach me because they want to be introduced to my pretty friends, or they would like to get more information about my friends. As a result, I used to have inferiority complex about my looks. Growing up, being not too well-acquainted with make-up and dressing up, I did not really know how to make myself more attractive. Thus, I started developing myself in other ways e.g. taking up leadership roles, community service, public speaking etc. At the end of the day, the time spent on self-development was well worth it, because it not only helped me develop my self-confidence, it also helped me meet my husband. 

I really applaud you for your efforts in terms of improving your first impression, honing your communication skills and widening your social circles!!! You are definitely on the right track.

Here are some suggestions to help you further increase your dating chances:

1) Get Professional Advice on Grooming and Make-up: Often, it is much easier and more effective to have the professionals tell us how we can improve our outlook, rather than just working on it ourselves. I have invested in both an image consultancy course as well as a personal make-up course. I have to say the personal make-up course is one of the best investments I have made! A good make-up teacher can teach you quick tips and techniques to instantly enhance your features. Check out the numerous YouTube videos that demonstrate the magic of make-up and you know what I mean! 🙂

2) Rediscover Your Passion. As much as you would like to spend time finding the right man, I would like to encourage you to spend time on yourself, doing something you enjoy as well. It is important that you have a hobby, an interest, something you are passionate about. It would make you a much happier person. If you are focused on just finding the right man, you might come across as too needy or desperate, and that would definitely send any man running. 

3) Explore Alternative Platforms of Meeting People: Men are very visual creatures. And many tend to judge harshly on physical appearances when put in a dating-focused environment. Thus, I would suggest that other than online dating and going for dating events, you could also explore alternative platforms of meeting new people i.e. places or environments where dating is not the main or only agenda. For example, having rediscovered your passion, you can enrol in classes related to your passion. Or, if you are interested in community service, you can be a volunteer. Dating is a numbers game, hence, the more people you meet, the better.

4) Stay Positive: What we focus on expands! If you keep thinking you are not going to succeed, chances are you won't. I know it is not easy, but do your best to stay happy and positive. Find a happy song that would instantly cheer you up. Go out with your girlfriends and indulge in a romantic comedy when you are feeling down. We are all attracted to happy people. So, you will be surprised how far your smile can bring you! 🙂

In short, my answer to your question is "No, you are not unwanted, ugly and worthless. And PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!" You are on the right track and I am sure if you take into the suggestions I have given you, you will definitely increase your chances of meeting the right person, someone who is truly worthy of you…

Take care, and happy dating! 🙂

Love, Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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“Violet, why are you SO desperate?”

I dreamt of getting married by the age of 26.

Yes, when I was growing up, that was my goal. To get married by the time I am 26, and to have my first child when I am 28.

I am very blessed… when I finally got married, I actually 'beat' my goal by a year. Jamie and I got married when I was 25 and he was 29. And among our friends, we are one of the few that so-called 'married young'.

Why did I have a target to marry by 26 years old?

Come to think about it… I am not sure. Perhaps I grew up in a family where my parents are deeply in love, and have a stable marriage. I am sure they have their set of marital challenges like everybody else, but they managed to ride through the storms and they provided me with a happy and secure family environment.

Having such a goal since young, I have never been shy to share this goal with people whom I know or guys whom I am dating seriously. I know, I know… some people would ask,

"Aren't you afraid that guys would run away?"

"Aren't you afraid that guys would think that you are desperate to get married?"

"Violet, why are you SO desperate?"

In life, we all have goals and dreams. And at the beginning of every year, we will often set new year resolutions… setting our goals for the upcoming year. And since we can set goals for our career, our health, our travel plans… in other words every single aspect of our lives, why can't we set a goal for our lifelong happiness?

Why are we so afraid to be termed as 'desperate'? Why are we so scared to declare our true intentions? Why are we so worried that we cannot even set our own rules? Instead, we're being ruled by what others want. And some of us are so afraid that we will even go out of our way to tell others… "I don't really need to get married…" when deep down, that's what you truly and deeply yearn for.

With everything in life, you will not succeed unless you have a dream, a strong belief and an action plan.

If you do not even dream of getting married, why would you end up being married?

If you do not believe you would ever be able to get married, chances are you won't.

And you can dream and believe all you want, but if you do not do anything about it, then it's highly unlikely your dream girl or prince charming would just fall from the sky.

Life is short. Do not spend time worrying about what others might think of you or say about you. You cannot please everyone, and neither should you. Do what you think is right. If you are not going to 'fight' for your own happiness, nobody will.

My wish for you in 2012…

For those who are single and looking… be bold. Dare to dream and set a goal for your lifelong happiness. It might not happen overnight or it might not even happen in the year 2012, but if you have a dream that you truly believe in, and you work towards your goal, you can only be one step closer to finding love.

For those who are in a relationship not sure where it is heading… be courageous. What was your dream? Was it to get married by the time you are 26, 28, 30 or 35 years old? Whatever it was, put your foot down and declare your intention. The right guy or girl would not run. Yes you heard me right. He or she might feel very uncomfortable or even scared, but the right person would not bolt. If he or she quits on you, then he or she was never the right one to begin with.

For those who are in happy and fulfilling relationships… be thankful. I am really glad that you have made the right choice. Treasure and cherish your partner for you are truly blessed to have found one another. 🙂

To my dearest readers, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year ahead!

If you feel that this post might benefit your single friends who are looking for love, please tweet it or share it on Facebook. 😉 Thank you in advance!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Seeking Perfection?

Have not updated my blog in months. And the significant other has started to nag me. 'When was the last time you blogged?' he asked.

The reason for the lack of blog posts is usually the same. The lack of time. Or more often the lack of inspiration.

And I guess, the truth is…

The strive for perfection.

I am unable to post up a blog post that I do not feel strongly about. In other words, I refuse to write for the sake of writing. Maybe I should. Because then, I would probably have more frequent posts, and more regular readers. 😉

The strive for perfection is also often the bane when it comes to singles looking for a mate.

Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough?

Does he earn enough? Is she slim enough?

Is he really nice? Or is he faking it? Or why is he SO nice? There must be something wrong with him.

And when we finally meet the right person, we realise that, they are not perfect after all. Because we have come to realise that it is not possible to find someone who's perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and more often than not, we have many flaws.

It is better to build a relationship with someone who is 'not so perfect' but whom you love, rather than spend your whole life trying to look for that perfect someone, only to be sorely disappointed to know that he or she does not exist. 

And so, what is the definition of perfect?

After being in a relationship with the significant other for 11 years, and being married for 6 years… I have realised that… life's perfect when you are contented…. and happy. It's all in your state of mind.

When you are feeling fulfilled and blissful, everything is perfect…

You can't search out perfection. Perfection will come searching for you! When you have finally put away your check list syndrome, get rid of your emotional baggage, lower your defences, open up your heart… and go into the relationship with an open mind, and a positive attitude.

All the best in your path to meeting perfection…!

P/S I promise I would work on posting more regularly instead of seeking perfection.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
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