Relationship Insights

A couple of days ago, I turned 30.

Strange enough, I have been looking forward to this day. Because my real age has finally caught up with how old people think I am. I know, it is bizarre right? I apparently look so old that since like 4-5 years ago, people think that I am 30+. Sob sob. I remember a few years ago when I was 25, a newspaper article actually quoted that I am 35! Aiks!

On a more serious note. When I turned 30, I took time to take stock of my life thus far.

I feel extremely thankful and blessed.

My dearest hubby Jamie threw me a surprise birthday party in Malaysia among my dearest and closest family and friends. (I must admit that it wasn’t as much a surprise as he wanted it to be since he had my mum as an accomplice! Haha! My mum kept asking me questions about the party?!) But I was really surprised by the big group of people that he managed to gather, and of course, really surprised by his poem recitation! It was really funny, because at first he told me the poem was… “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I don’t know what happened, but I love you…!” I was like… err… but the actual poem was a really meaningful poem about growing old together.

People often tell me how lucky I am to have such a sweet and romantic husband. I am extremely thankful for my hubby who has been very supportive of all my endeavors throughout the years. And I would like to take this opportunity once more to thank him again.

J, thank you for loving me! Especially during times when I am not so ‘lovable’.

I am thankful for my 2 beautiful children. I guess all parents think that their children are beautiful. Haha! Knowing that many of our friends are finding it hard to conceive despite being healthy young adults, I know our children are our little miracles, as I actually have endometriosis, a condition that affects fertility rate by 40%.

And my parents. Who have been extremely self-sacrificing and supportive of Jamie and myself. Even though they have been quite shocked by their crazy daughter on several occasions, one being when I told them I am quiting my cushy job to be a… matchmaker! They have recovered to be our biggest and most ardent supporters. I love you, pa and mi!

On some days when things are not going that well, I will sometimes question my choice of career path.

Have I had doubts? Of course I have. I am only human. Strange as it might sound, being a matchmaker can sometimes be quite a thankless job. But of course, I am very thankful for the clients who appreciate us for our efforts.

Taken in 2005, a much slimmer and younger version of me

On my 30th birthday, surrounded by my family, relatives and friends, I am once again reminded that God must has given me all these blessings for a reason and a purpose. To steer me on a mission to help more singles out there to find happiness… to be, meet and choose the right person.

A HK journalist asked me recently, “It is not easy to matchmake, or to help people get married, what motivates you?”

My reply was… Step by step, one at a time.

My dearest readers and friends… thank you very much for your love and support all these years! Reading your comments, or knowing that you like the blog post always put a smile to my face!

As I turn 30, I will charge ahead (b)older and wiser, with renewed hope and vigour!

7 more hours, and we will be in 2010.

While the family sleeps, I am stealing some time to take stock of the year that is about to pass…

2009 is the year we welcome to our world our little princess Cara Krysania Lee. We wanted to name her Crysania Kara Lee, but nobody seemed to be able to pronounce her first name, and after she is borne, we felt that Cara suits her better. She’s a perfect little addition to our family. She’s demure and ladylike whilst Corum is loud and boisterous. She looks absolutely gorgeous in pink, and Mummy really enjoys dressing her up. Corum just turned 3 and is growing up well. He just said, “Mei-mei is the best sister ever! I love Mei-mei!” Daddy whispered to me, “But he only has one Mei-mei!” Oh well, it’s a good start…!

2009 is the year of travel. I have been travelling so frequently that sometimes I do not even bother to unpack. The worst travel stint was when I arrived back at Changi Airport at 12am, and I have to go back again at 6am. I have come to the conclusion that unless you are flying business class, business travel is so NOT glamorous!

2009 is the year my best friend Tsiao Yi got married to her university sweetheart Tow. And I was the matron of honour. The reason I flew across the globe to attend her wedding having only delivered a baby 6 weeks earlier and amidst the height of the H1N1 flu scare (other than she’s my best friend), is because I wanted to support them in their journey of love. Tow is battling cancer, and he’s in an advanced stage. Some people might think it’s crazy that they are even contemplating marriage but the love that they share is so pure, so sincere, so true that I wanted to be part of their beautiful wedding tapestry.

2009 is the year that Jamie and I got baptized. For myself personally, I seemed to have played a game of hide and seek with God in the last 20 years. And finally in 2009, I have found my way home.

2009 has been an extremely tiring year on the business front. I feel that I have been fire-fighting most of the time. And being an entrepreneur of 5 years, thinking I am no longer a ‘greenhorn’, I was not prepared for it. Especially since I was heavily pregnant with Cara… But I honestly believe that God will never throw you something that He thinks you cannot handle… We had to make some tough decisions. It was not easy but hurdle after hurdle, challenge after challenge, obstacle after obstacle, Jamie and I overcame them.

2009 is a year of reflection. I wondered if what I am doing is enough to help singles out there find love. Sometimes, it seems like such an uphill task…. A drop of water in the vast ocean.

As professionals and executives, we all have our criteria and preferences. We all believe ourselves to have attained a certain status in life and we have the right to demand and expect. It’s only normal.

So, it is so difficult to share with singles to look beyond the façade, to see beyond the superficial attributes, to ask yourself does that quality really matter when I am old and wrinkled… Hence, I am so heartened to know that one of my readers have actually stepped out of her comfort zone and she is now happily seeing someone whom she would in the past never consider.

That gave me a glimpse of hope that I am actually heading in the right direction. This year, I have started running my workshop for single ladies again, sharing with them on how to be, meet and choose the right one. Men, don’t worry… I am not trying to leave you out, but for now, my focus is on the fairer sex.

A big thank you to my team at Lunch Actually and Eteract. You ladies and guys have worked so very hard. Jamie and I really appreciate your effort, your loyalty and your dedication.

To my ‘Ba’ and ‘Mi’, I do not know what I will do without your selfless and tireless love.

To my parents in law, thank you so much for your time and your love for us and our two children.

To my dearest girlfriends and guyfriends, thank you for keeping me grounded and sane… as I will always be Yan when I am with you.

And to my dearest hubby, we have been through this very eventful year together. It wasn’t all rosy. But just like our wedding vows, “in good times and in bad times, when life seems easy and when life throws us challenges and difficult decisions…” WE MADE IT! And we have come out of it stronger! Thank you for being my anchor, my rock, my pillar of strength. I love you!

As the curtains fall, I bid 2009 a bittersweet farewell. It has not been easy, but there have been many beautiful rainbows that made up for the heavy storms. And… there are hopeful glimpses of what the future holds.

My dearest readers, Happy New Year!

Hi Violet,

I came across your blog as I am desperately looking for an answer.  So here’s my story.  My boyfriend and I met at work.  He has recently returned to Singapore while I am staying behind in Hong Kong.  We have been having a long distance relationship for the past six months.  Everything was going very well in spite of the distance.  We were very close and talk to each other often.  We have even made marriage plans for the near future. Then about a month ago, everything changed literally overnight. He refused to talk to me after a minor argument which we could easily work out as a mature couple.  He told me to give him some time which I did.  And a week ago, he decided that we are no long compatible.  Violet, this is very hard for me to believe because he had only reassured his commitment to our relationship just the night before the ‘fight’.  What do you think is going on?  I am heartbroken and devastated.  What is wrong here?  Please help!

-J

Dear J,

Thank you for your letter.

I understand that having invested so much love and time into your relationship with your boyfriend, let’s call him X, you must be really devastated and frustrated with the current situation.

Based on what you have told me, I can’t really point out what is going on because I do not know enough, and I do not know X’s version of the story.

What went wrong? The possibilities are endless. However, one thing I know for sure is… if X had a change of heart, this did not happen overnight. Like you say, you have been sustaining a long distance relationship for 6 months. Things might look well on the surface, but he might have had a tough time trying to keep the LDR going. And when you had that minor argument, however minor, for him, it is the breaking point. Or he might not see the relationship going anywhere as he’s in Singapore and you are in HK. And even though he really IS committed, he just does not see a future.

Bottom line is, there is no point for us to speculate. The best way to know what went wrong is to talk to him. See if there is anything you can both do to work things out.

If he is reluctant to talk, then just move on. There is no point trying to beg him to stay. The more you call him and SMS him, the more you will be seen as ‘lower value’ to him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, and work on being a better and stronger person. And by then who knows? He might be the one coming back to beg for your forgiveness. And it will then be up to you whether you still want him back.

I know things are not going to be easy. In these times, support from friends would be most important. Hang out with your girlfriends, take up a new hobby, go on a trip you have always wanted to go and eventually, you will meet someone who will cherish you for who you are. Jiayou!

Take care.

Love, Violet

Readers, please do feel free to chip in to help J out, thanks!

A while ago, I attended a relationship seminar. As part of my profession, I constantly go for seminars to learn from other experts. And this time, it is a seminar by a couple – Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.

One of the most interesting takeaways I had from this particular seminar was…

Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women.

So what does that mean exactly?

A lot of times in a relationship… men and women have conflict… over money.

Especially when the man loses his job. Or the woman gets a pay rise, and now earns more than the man.

Sometimes, the woman loses respect for the man. She does not mean to. But we are so hardwired to think that the man is supposed to be the provider. He is supposed to bring back the bacon. And suddenly, when she becomes the main provider, the dynamics of the relationship begin to change.

Coming back to… Respect to a Man is what Love is to a Woman.

As a woman, we expect to be loved no matter what. We feel that we deserved to be loved by our man. No matter how good or bad we have been. It is supposed to be a given.

And hence, it is actually the same for a man. He expects to be respected no matter what. He does not need to earn it.

According to a research done by the Feldhahns, apparently, men are willing to leave a relationship if they felt they are constantly being disrespected, even though they knew for sure that their partners love them.

How does this apply to real life?

Was a speaker at a recent matchmaking seminar in Singapore. Was asked this question…

Violet, does a relationship work if the woman earns more than the man?

Actually, the crux of the matter here is not the salary. It is about each party playing their role. The woman can be the sole breadwinner, and the man can be a house husband and they still can be happy, if the woman shows the man that she respects him and his contribution to the family; and the man shows the woman love.

The problem is when the woman starts to resent the man for not bringing home the bacon, or start showing him contempt because she feels that he no longer deserves her respect.

In a relationship, it always takes two hands to clap. Respect and love come hand-in-hand.

Dear Readers,

I received a very heartwarming note on a Monday morning. It really instantly brightened up my day, and it was a great start to the week. It is from one of my LUNCH Actually clients who is also my blog reader. Have checked with her if it’s ok to publish her note in my blog, and she has given me permission… so here it is!

***

Hi Violet,

Firstly, just want to say that you and your team has done a great job in introducing men to me. Thank you so much! The men are mostly of pretty good quality, but I guess perhaps at times its really the chemistry that is lacking. Secondly, your blog has been really insightful, especially your tips on relationships.

Now for the good news – I got attached 2 weeks back! He is not from any agency but from my church. And it is a big surprise to me because when I first met him early last year, he was not exactly someone I would even consider. He did not meet any of my so-called criteria. I did not even want to talk to him or meet up with him. But as time went by, we got involved in religious activities together, then somehow started spending more time with each other, and before I knew it, we got together. It was a very natural progression, no fireworks or big drumrolls or whatnot, but we just became “inseparable”.

One of your recent posts struck me – it is true that sometimes you may state down whatever criteria you have, but at the end of the day, when you have found someone you can really communicate with, someone you can be totally comfortable with, and someone who shares your goals, visions and outlook in life, a lot of things really don’t matter. Like he doesn’t meet my height criteria, he’s not even Chinese, he’s not the high-flier I wanted, but yet with him, I can be totally myself. I can say what I want anytime I want, I can be totally outspoken and opinionated, I can tell him off, and he still accepts it. He is not the eloquent guy I wanted, but between both of us, we can talk non-stop, joke, make corny remarks and whatnot.

So at the end of the day, I believe once we’ve found a companion, all other “criteria” really don’t matter. What’s important is looking towards the same direction and how both get along with each other. Having said that, things look rather promising for this relationship, so I would like to put my membership on hold for now. Once again, thanks so much for the great job you’ve been doing!

Best Regards,
Celia

Her advice to all of you out there who’s looking for love is, “…not to write anyone off just because the other party may not be “fitting” at first instance. I’m glad I didn’t in the end!”

So, never give up and keep an open mind!

When meeting up with potential clients, I will ask them what they are looking for in a potential partner.

Must be attractive. Big eyes. Slim.

Tall, broad shoulders, extroverted, must make me laugh.

These are just some examples of basic dating preferences.

Many a times, when singles list down their ‘I-Want’ list, it is based on things that would spark off infatuation, or chemistry. The things that make our hearts race.

However, the truth of the matter is, infatuation lasts, on average, 3 to 12 months. When the chemical reaction in our brain subsides after a year or so, you begin to see your partner in a different light. All of a sudden, the things you used to think was really endearing becomes really annoying.

And you suddenly realise that you do not even know this person. You have nothing in common. You have nothing to talk about.

People often say, it is different when you are looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend vs. when you are looking for a husband/wife. I believe that there is some truth to that.

When you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, we are looking for long term qualities.

For some, the question might be, “Is he reliable and dependable? Is he patient and kind?”

For others, it could be, “Would she be a supportive wife and a nurturing mother to our children?”

And a very important question to ask, “Do we get along well? Can I imagine him or her as my best friend?”

After all, a good marriage should be friendship on fire or friendship magnified.

What is your list of traits and characteristics that you want in your long-term partner? Most companies have a mission statement. Lunch Actually’s mission statement reads:

Lunch Actually exists to create a solution for single busy professionals who do not have the right environment to meet other like-minded people as a result of their busy and hectic work environment.

We believe that every individual deserves love, respect and companionship. Thus we strive to create supreme value and provide immaculate service to address the needs of the people we serve.

Jamie and I created this mission statement to remind ourselves why we started this business in the first place. Because in business and life, sometimes, you will lose your way. And you will forget, what was the purpose of it all?

Same with finding love.

What is your dating mission statement?

What are the traits you are looking for in your long-term partner? Ponder upon it. It would be even more powerful if you could write it down. Because along the way, you might be swayed by your biological and short-term needs. These short-term needs unfortunately do little to contribute to the success of a long-term relationship.

You might ask me at this point.

“Violet, why can’t we have it all? Someone who will fulfill our short-term biological needs as well as our long-term relationship needs. “

Of course that would be most ideal. But when we are searching for a partner, we make our choices, and others make their choices as well. He/she is your cup of tea, but you might not be theirs. And at the end of the day, do we want to be going around in circles and never meeting the right one, when the right one could be just right under our nose?

When I was looking for a potential partner, I thought I definitely wanted someone who is muscular, extroverted, and the life of the party. Those who know my hubby Jamie would know that he is anything but those criteria. I was looking out for my short-term biological needs when I put down those criteria. Muscular and well-built so I feel secure and protected. Extroverted would suggest that he’s fun to be with.

But when it comes down to it, all of these are not important because he might not be much of a talker in front of others, we can talk and talk and talk. 9 years after we first met, we still spend hours talking to each other every day. Does not matter he might not come across as the most witty and fun person, but we sure have lots of fun hanging out with each other.

And I am definitely very different from his initial list of ‘I-Want’. You can ask him to share them with you when you meet him.

So, what is your dating mission statement?

Are you looking for a short-term biological relationship?

Or someone whom you can share the rest of your life with?

Happy contemplating!

P/S For my readers who are already dating, or happily married, do you have any related stories to share?

Last Saturday @ 10pm, I appeared on the TV program Ladies Sdn Bhd on Astro Wah Lai Toi.

The Trailer:

It was a really great filming experience for me even though I have done some other shoots in the past.

Part 1:

The filming was done at a brand new bungalow at Puchong. It’s absolutely beautiful! It has to be, as it costs a whopping RM3million! And of course, I got to meet up with the three wonderful hosts, the three ladies – Chui Ling, Lynn and Vivian. People often do not have good impression of celebrities/hosts etc., but they are really nice, funny and down-to-earth! I had a great time getting to know them on-screen and off-screen.

Part 2:

The only setback for me is that I look really ‘BIG’ because I did the shoot 3 weeks after I gave birth to Cara. That was sometime in May. Some friends were appalled that I ‘ran away’ from my confinement! But come to think about it, I do not regret having made the decision, as it was such good fun!

Part 3:

And to top it all off, this is the first shoot that I have been invited to that I actually got paid for! Haha! Feels good to earn my first pay check from TV!

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure! Did not manage to get a pic with Vivian as she had to rush off…

And for those of you who know about me from the program, welcome to my blog!

Have you watched Transformers 2?

Apart from the big machine slugfest, one of the highlights of the Hollywood movie is of course the love story between the two leads. And in the sequel, the guy and the girl are bickering over who should say I love you first. Both sides are not willing to say it before hearing it from the other person.

Hence, one of the questions that people ask when they are in a relationship…

“Who should say ‘I love you’ first? The guy or the girl?”

Many guys and gals are worried about being the first to say ‘I love you’. Because..

• they do not want to lose face, just in case the other person does not feel the same.
• they do not want to jump the gun, because it might be too early in the relationship.
• they are worried that they will lose the upper hand in the relationship.

The reasons are endless.

I think there is no hard or fast rule to it.

And sometimes, one party just has to take the risk. Afterall, not everything in life is about ‘face’. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is going to perceive you differently just because you are the first to say ‘I love you’, then he or she is probably not worth your time. Frankly, I will be really flattered if my guy has the courage to tell me he loves me, and not worried of coming across as not being macho enough.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything. If a guy tells me he loves me on a first date, I would really freak out.

At the end of the day, just do what feels right for YOU. Do not play mind games.

Because after all, you do not want to be like the guy and gal in Transformers 2. Uttering the 3 little words only after almost going through the valley of death!

P/S: Want to be informed when I update my blog? Remember to subscribe using the subscibe box on the left sidebar!

The lighting of the unity candle.

A very meaning symbolism of the merging of two families, the coming together of two individuals. The 2 tapered candles are usually lighted up by the mothers of the bride and groom. And after the lighting up of the unity candle, the tapered candles will either be blown out to indicate two lives have been united permanently or left burning to indicate that the two even though married will still retain their individuality.

Personally, I like the idea of the merging of the two flames, and the blowing out of the individual flames. Not that I do not believe in individuality. But I believe that marriage is a covenant. And from this day onwards, nothing will be as important as your marriage. The marriage will always come first, no matter what. I remember a sermon I heard in Hong Kong. The pastor, a very wise man said…

“If you cannot put your marriage and your spouse first, do not get married.”

It sounds like such a simple piece of advice. So straightforward, so precise… that you would think that it should not be too difficult to follow. But I am beginning to see that it is easier said than done.

In our modern life right now, there are so many things, so many commitments that compete for our time. We have our job, our interests, our friends, our need for space, our quest for freedom, our ambition for success, our lust to travel around the world…

And when there is a conflict, we usually find a way to justify our own decision. Even if the right answer is pretty simple and straightforward if you follow the wisdom of the above advice.

Is that why divorce rate is on the rise?

For the past week, I have been travelling. However, I have been very hesitant to tell people where I am going. Because telling people that you are going to US, is like telling people you have AIDS. The reason that despite the H1N1 flu, I have decided to make a trip to US is to attend my best friend’s wedding.

Tsiao Yi and I have been best friend for the last 16 years. And that’s actually more than half of my lifetime. So, even though I was quite concerned about H1N1, I thought about it long and hard. I knew that if I make the decision not to go, when I look back in the future… I will really regret not attending my best friend’s wedding. And by then, it would be too late to turn back the clock.

Tsiao Yi and Tow Shung have dated for 9 years. They have decided to get married on 06.06.2009. And actually, this is the exact date that they got together 9 years ago. So they are actually celebrating their 9th year anniversary!

If you look at them on their wedding day, they look like any other blissful newlyweds. But the truth is, Tow Shung is actually battling cancer. For the past 2 years, he has been undergoing chemotherapy. At an age where most of us are thinking about advancing our career or planning for our next holiday, Tsiao Yi and Tow have been going in and out of the hospital. Not that it is an alien concept to them as both of them are doctors. But this time, he is the patient.

One of their friends May Ling (an extremely nice lady, and a mother of 5) put it very succinctly. Most brides to be would be very flustered before the wedding worrying about the flowers, the makeup, or the dress. But Tsiao Yi is worried whether Tow gets his chemo on time. It really helps the rest of us put things into perspective.

One thing the pastor said really put tears into my eyes. He said, “Tow, I look into the eyes of this woman standing next to you now. And I can see that she loves you very much.” When he said that, tears just welled up in my eyes. And I had to try very hard not to cry as I was part of the wedding party standing at the altar.

In my matron of honour speech, I said:

Tsiao Yi and Tow Shung have been through many ups and downs. But most important of all, when life dealt its harshest blow, they held on to each other, supported each other and spurred each other on. This has made their relationship stronger than ever. And their love, their commitment, their devotion for each other, has been an inspiration to us all.

My best friend’s wedding is a reminder… to not take the little things in life for granted. And also to not sweat the small stuff.

Dearest Yi, once again, thank you for asking me to be your matron of honour. I am so extremely honoured to be your best friend, and thank you so much for your unwavering friendship. May your marriage be blessed with much love, laughter and happiness! I have no doubt you and Tow Shung will have a blissfully happy marriage…

Reader Fiona sent in a question – “Is he interested in me? Should I wait for John, or go out with Steven?”

Had a call from a local magazine today. They are looking for ladies who have found love in their 30s. So, they wanted my help to check with our clients if they are willing to be interviewed.

It was a good opportunity for me to catch up with our married clients. Called up one of our lady clients who got married earlier this year… let’s call her M. It was really nice to touch base with her. So I told her about the story angle, and asked if she was willing to be interviewed and photographed for the magazine. She gamely agreed. I also told her that it is not necessary for her to tell the magazine how she and hubby met, as many of our clients would prefer not to let people know that they met through a dating agency.

Then M actually said, “I don’t mind!” Wow! Then she asked me if she can bring her own clothes. I told her I am not too sure, as sometimes the magazine might prepare clothes for the shoot, but I will check. And that was when she told me the extremely GOOD NEWS…

“Oh, it’s because I am pregnant!”

Wow! I was like so happy. Another Lunch Actually baby.

When people ask me, “Don’t you sometimes get tired of your profession? Why are you so passionate about what you do? Why this business of all business?”

This is the reason… I think there are not many jobs in the world where you can have a ‘direct’ hand in helping someone find happiness, and help bring a child to this world.

Can’t wait to see the photos of the baby! Happy happy happy!

I just went to ICA (Immigration Department) to renew my PR the other day. Time flies, doesn’t it? In a heartbeat, 5 years have gone by. Yet, when I went to ICA, I thought to myself, in the past 5 years, so many things have changed. When I first applied for my PR, I was still working at the bank. I was single and dating. And in 5 years, I am married, mother of a 2 years old. And running my own business with my husband.

Who would have thought? It’s quite funny meeting up with some old friends. People whom I have not met up for a long time. When I say, I am married… they are like, “Ok…” And along the conversation, when I brought up Babe, the look on their faces would be priceless… they are like, “What??? You have a kid?” and shake their heads in disbelief.

And to a certain extent, because of the rapid changes in my life, transitioning from a single, to being attached, to being married, to being a mother in a short period of time, I often find myself desperately grasping on ropes to learn and excel in these new roles… And to sometimes, I cannot jump right into the psyche of being single and searching.

Until a recent episode brought me back in time… to a decade or so ago.

Someone who’s close to me recently broke up with her boyfriend. And as I watched the entire episode unfolded in front of me, it reminded me of how devastating a breakup can be.

So, this letter is dedicated to my heartbroken friend, as well as any other readers out there who are nursing a heart break.

Dear X,

I know how you are feeling. Because I have been there.  Trust me.

I know there are many questions going in your mind right now. You thought that he loved you. He did proclaim his undying love to you didn’t he? “Why did he lie to me?” You are thinking. “How could I be so naïve? How could I believe him?” Every cell in your body is screaming!

When I went through my first break up… I thought I would die. I lost so much weight. Without even trying. I was the skinniest then in my whole entire adult life. My mum was so worried about me. Come to think about it, I feel really bad now making her worried about me so much.

Everything that I saw, hear, smelt , touched… reminded me of him. And I could be reduced to tears when ‘our song’ was played on the radio. And it was like my favourite radio station was conspiring against me. Every time I tuned in, it would be playing one of ‘our songs’. Tears would flow down my cheek when I am driving, and at times, I could even be sobbing uncontrollably. I even wore black for weeks, because I needed to mourn for a relationship which I thought would have lasted the test of time. I thought that he was the one. We made so many plans. How could he walk out of the relationship now? How could he be so cold and distant now?

I thought I will never love again. I thought I could never meet another person whom I could have a deep connection with.

This might sounds absolutely ‘cliché’, but time does heal.

I made new friends. I pursued new hobbies. I pulled myself up. And of course along the way, I did many silly things. Thinking of what I did then, I can’t help but cringe. But after a few months, I could listen to ‘our songs’ without crying. I could have a normal adult conversation with him, without feeling really crappy after that. Yes, like they say, as time went by, I moved on.

When I think of my ex now, I remember some good memories, some not so good memories. But everything seemed so far away. The word to describe it is probably… surreal. I know they happened, but it is as if they happened to another me. In another space.  Yet these experiences did shape me and mould me, and toughen me emotionally.

Dear X, I know it is very difficult to imagine yourself being in love again. You cannot imagine meeting another person whom you can laugh with, cry with, someone whom you can share your darkest secrets with, someone whom you think you can grow old with.

You cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe me… there is light… at the end of the tunnel.

Remember? I have been there, and I am a living testament of it.

If I have not been through my last relationships, I might not realize what a gem my hubby is when I met him. I might not have the emotional IQ to make our relationship work. I would have committed all those previous boo-boos I made in my previous relationships and wreck our relationship.

So, if you look at things from a different perspective… God is preparing us for the perfect mate.

If you need to, mourn a little. You need the time and space to heal. But do not stay there too long. There’s a beautiful world awaiting you out there…

Love, Violet

P/S: This song by A-Mei helped me heal during my breakup. I hope that it would help you as well. My favourite stanza translated into English…

“Breaking Free, is acknowledging that this relationship would not work out, I should not keep holding on

You have the freedom to go, I have the freedom to live my life happily…”

Was invited to be a panelist on a TV Forum on Channel News Asia – “Maybe Baby” recently.

And one of the issues brought up was… our guys could be more chivalrous, or ‘gentlemanly’. One lady related that there was a time she was about to walk through these glass doors carrying heavy bags, and nobody offered to keep the doors open for her. I can relate to these incidents. When I am overseas, and I am standing in an elevator, chances are one of the guys will keep the doors open, and wait for me to walk out first. It rarely happens in Singapore or Malaysia for that matter.

Actually, I don’t think that our guys are less nice compared to their overseas counterparts. It is a lot more about awareness. Sometimes, they are just not aware of the social etiquette that is expected of them. Or maybe they grew up in a very MCP environment where the mother waits on the father. Or maybe they are confused. Since we women have been asking for sexual equality. I think our guys definitely will be more chivalrous if they made aware of what the ladies are looking out for.

Just to give you an example, my personal story. My dad has always made it a point to walk on the side of the road where the traffic is coming from. When I first started going out with my hubby, I realised that he does not do that all the time. I pointed it out to him, and ever since, he has always made the effort to switch sides with me.

During the forum, one of the other panelists voiced her opinion on this issue. I am paraphrasing her. I cannot remember her exact words. She said that what should really matter is not whether he opens the door for you, but whether he stays up with you through the night when your child is sick. All these so-called chivalrous acts like opening the door and pulling out the chair are just scratching the surface. I definitely understand where she is coming from.

But there is a big problem.

Nowadays, when people date, they do not have the opportunity to delve deeper to know whether the guy will stay up through the night to look after the baby. You probably only have the luxury if you get to know the guy from school/university where you can observe through various activities. Or maybe, if you have met through a charity activity.

Nowadays, ladies can only observe the things that the guys do OR don’t do during the date. And from them deduce whether they would like to meet him again for a second date. One of my clients used to wear slippers to his dates. He definitely is the type of guy that would stay up for the baby. But most ladies would already be put off by his sloppy dressing on the first date! Never mind wanting to get to know him better! Luckily, after our ‘coaching’, he dressed better for his dates, and he is now happily married.

Ladies, what do you think? Do chivalrous acts matter?