Life Lessons

Dear Violet,

My experiences in dating has been nothing but a complete failure. I read your success stories on how couples have found true love on net dating sites or through social events or other avenues. 

I tried being more socially active since many years ago when I was an undergraduate. I tried net dating, attended parties etc to know more individuals from the opposite sex but it always turned out to be hi-bye affairs. However, despite the strings of failures, I have never stopped trying. I began to evaluate the reasons of failure, "Why no guys were ever remotely romantically interested in me" I thought it was because of my physical appearances and presentation.  I worked hard in improving my looks, and even read up on books on dating and communication. But time and time again, with every attempt of meeting new guys from dating sites, or social events, it always turned up to be yet again a hi-bye affair or guys simply ignored me during social events, choosing to chat with other ladies.

My strings of failures really set me back. I have tried improving my looks, changing my social and communication skills but i always end up with failure. To be honest, I am totally hurted and rejected. Year after year, my attempts in trying to foster even friendships with the opposite gender have failed…  I can't help feeling rejected, unwanted, ugly and worthless while I see ppl getting attached one after another. I have also received my fair share of criticism about my looks from guys who have participated in these social events. I just met a guy this year and he tells me once again, he is not looking for a special one. I think im being written off again because of my looks.

I'm getting depressed. should i give up? It seems like a hopeless and endless situation.

Sincerely, P

Dear P,

Thank you for your email, and I would like to commend you for picking up the courage to write in!

It is not easy to see people around you getting hitched, and you are still single day after day, month after month. I know how that feels, because as I was growing up, I am always surrounded by more more attractive and beautiful friends. Guys usually only approach me because they want to be introduced to my pretty friends, or they would like to get more information about my friends. As a result, I used to have inferiority complex about my looks. Growing up, being not too well-acquainted with make-up and dressing up, I did not really know how to make myself more attractive. Thus, I started developing myself in other ways e.g. taking up leadership roles, community service, public speaking etc. At the end of the day, the time spent on self-development was well worth it, because it not only helped me develop my self-confidence, it also helped me meet my husband. 

I really applaud you for your efforts in terms of improving your first impression, honing your communication skills and widening your social circles!!! You are definitely on the right track.

Here are some suggestions to help you further increase your dating chances:

1) Get Professional Advice on Grooming and Make-up: Often, it is much easier and more effective to have the professionals tell us how we can improve our outlook, rather than just working on it ourselves. I have invested in both an image consultancy course as well as a personal make-up course. I have to say the personal make-up course is one of the best investments I have made! A good make-up teacher can teach you quick tips and techniques to instantly enhance your features. Check out the numerous YouTube videos that demonstrate the magic of make-up and you know what I mean!

2) Rediscover Your Passion. As much as you would like to spend time finding the right man, I would like to encourage you to spend time on yourself, doing something you enjoy as well. It is important that you have a hobby, an interest, something you are passionate about. It would make you a much happier person. If you are focused on just finding the right man, you might come across as too needy or desperate, and that would definitely send any man running. 

3) Explore Alternative Platforms of Meeting People: Men are very visual creatures. And many tend to judge harshly on physical appearances when put in a dating-focused environment. Thus, I would suggest that other than online dating and going for dating events, you could also explore alternative platforms of meeting new people i.e. places or environments where dating is not the main or only agenda. For example, having rediscovered your passion, you can enrol in classes related to your passion. Or, if you are interested in community service, you can be a volunteer. Dating is a numbers game, hence, the more people you meet, the better.

4) Stay Positive: What we focus on expands! If you keep thinking you are not going to succeed, chances are you won't. I know it is not easy, but do your best to stay happy and positive. Find a happy song that would instantly cheer you up. Go out with your girlfriends and indulge in a romantic comedy when you are feeling down. We are all attracted to happy people. So, you will be surprised how far your smile can bring you!

In short, my answer to your question is "No, you are not unwanted, ugly and worthless. And PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!" You are on the right track and I am sure if you take into the suggestions I have given you, you will definitely increase your chances of meeting the right person, someone who is truly worthy of you…

Take care, and happy dating!

Love, Violet

2011 is another of those years where I look back and think… "Is this one of those years that has just passed by unceremoniously?" Because as compared to say 2010, I can't seem to identify one single successful milestone. When I shared this with Jamie, he said, "You are being too hard on yourself. Look through your calendar, and I am sure you will realise that you have accomplished a lot…" Thank God for the significant other… always logical, practical and eternally supportive.

I did go through my calendar, looking for glimpses of inspiration, and to be honest… secretly hoping I have some successes that I can share with you in this 'annual report'. However, I am still unable to identify many or any worthy feats I felt that was worth sharing.

And just about then, I read a newspaper interview with the Acting Minister of Ministry of Community, Youth and Sports, Chan Chun Sing. He was asked to give his opinion on the declining birth rate in Singapore. He shared that he would not put pressure on his children to get the best grades in school. More importantly, he will nurture them into disciplined, determined and responsible people. The reporter quipped, "But that's not society's definition of success…" Chan then explained that he believes that it is up to us to redefine the definition of success. "There are many roads to 'success' ", he said.

Which led me to think… What is my definition of success?

My definition of success like many others' are "Wealth, financial freedom, high-flying career, fame…" In other words, no failures. The reason I felt that I do not have many 'successes' to share this year is because even though I did embark on several new projects this year, most of them either did not pan out well or did not achieve the level of results that I wanted. This of course has caused me many endless frustrations throughout the year.

As I reflected on this, I suddenly had an epiphany… Steve Jobs would have been the epitome of success for many. Yet, as cancer slowly took over body and his life, I believe something he wished for, something that none of his success could buy is… to regain his health. To have more time to spend with his family. To watch his children grow up.

Closer to home… I have attended many funerals this year. Many of which were precious lives snuffed out by cancer. There were three deaths that I took especially hard. Not because the others who have passed on were not precious in my eyes. But it is because I felt that these three people had their lives cut short, their dreams unfulfilled. They died so young. Too young. They would never have the chance to see their children grow up, graduate, get married. Nor would they have the chance to grow old with their loved ones. Nor would they get to experience doting on their grandchildren. Yet… even as they battled cancer knowing that they did not have long to live, they were determined to live a full and complete life. They continued to inspire the people around them with their unyielding passion and perseverance. 

And then I realised… with all that I have been blessed with, what right do I have to complain? Why am I here whining and lamenting? The problem is… my definition of success.

I HAVE TO redefine success. Success is not about material wealth. Success is not about keeping up with the Joneses. Success is not about living up to societal expectations. Because when people are at their deathbeds, their dying wish have never been, "I wished I could have made more money or I wish I have run more businesses…". In fact, I read a report this year about the 5 biggest regrets that people have when they are dying, and the one that struck a chord with me is… 

I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

It has finally dawned on me that:

Success is not a destination. It is a journey.

Success is not defined by others. It is defined by what you hold most important to you.

So, what is success?

Success to me is…

A happy marriage, a happy family.

A healthy body, a healthy mind.

Ability to make a difference in people's lives.

With my newly redefined meaning of success, the year 2011 has actually been an extremely successful year!!!

Jamie and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary and our 11th year of being together. He has always remained my rock, my anchor, my cheerleader. Despite my hectic travelling schedule, I have spent a lot of quality time with my parents as well as my two wonderful children. Through Corum and Cara, I have learned to play, to laugh and to smell the roses.

I have never felt healthier… having lost weight and maintaining the weight loss with occasional exercise (I should do more!) and healthy eating.

And everyday, I am making a difference to people's lives through my chosen vocation. Wedding bells have been ringing throughout the year. And we have also been informed of many 'Lunch Actually Babies'. And thanks to my unique profession, I have also been invited to share my journey thus far at many meetings, forums and conventions – giving me a chance to inspire others to either pursue their own entrepreneurial journey or to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship, or both.

Yes, year 2011 has been a SUCCESS! Wow, isn't it amazing how a slight change of perspective changes EVERYTHING?!

To all of you – my family, my friends, my readers who have touched my life in one way or another, I would like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart… thank you for making a difference in my life.

And as we usher in the year 2012, I hope you too will take some time to reflect on what success means to YOU…

Happy New Year my dearest friends!

I dreamt of getting married by the age of 26.

Yes, when I was growing up, that was my goal. To get married by the time I am 26, and to have my first child when I am 28.

I am very blessed… when I finally got married, I actually 'beat' my goal by a year. Jamie and I got married when I was 25 and he was 29. And among our friends, we are one of the few that so-called 'married young'.

Why did I have a target to marry by 26 years old?

Come to think about it… I am not sure. Perhaps I grew up in a family where my parents are deeply in love, and have a stable marriage. I am sure they have their set of marital challenges like everybody else, but they managed to ride through the storms and they provided me with a happy and secure family environment.

Having such a goal since young, I have never been shy to share this goal with people whom I know or guys whom I am dating seriously. I know, I know… some people would ask,

"Aren't you afraid that guys would run away?"

"Aren't you afraid that guys would think that you are desperate to get married?"

"Violet, why are you SO desperate?"

In life, we all have goals and dreams. And at the beginning of every year, we will often set new year resolutions… setting our goals for the upcoming year. And since we can set goals for our career, our health, our travel plans… in other words every single aspect of our lives, why can't we set a goal for our lifelong happiness?

Why are we so afraid to be termed as 'desperate'? Why are we so scared to declare our true intentions? Why are we so worried that we cannot even set our own rules? Instead, we're being ruled by what others want. And some of us are so afraid that we will even go out of our way to tell others… "I don't really need to get married…" when deep down, that's what you truly and deeply yearn for.

With everything in life, you will not succeed unless you have a dream, a strong belief and an action plan.

If you do not even dream of getting married, why would you end up being married?

If you do not believe you would ever be able to get married, chances are you won't.

And you can dream and believe all you want, but if you do not do anything about it, then it's highly unlikely your dream girl or prince charming would just fall from the sky.

Life is short. Do not spend time worrying about what others might think of you or say about you. You cannot please everyone, and neither should you. Do what you think is right. If you are not going to 'fight' for your own happiness, nobody will.

My wish for you in 2012…

For those who are single and looking… be bold. Dare to dream and set a goal for your lifelong happiness. It might not happen overnight or it might not even happen in the year 2012, but if you have a dream that you truly believe in, and you work towards your goal, you can only be one step closer to finding love.

For those who are in a relationship not sure where it is heading… be courageous. What was your dream? Was it to get married by the time you are 26, 28, 30 or 35 years old? Whatever it was, put your foot down and declare your intention. The right guy or girl would not run. Yes you heard me right. He or she might feel very uncomfortable or even scared, but the right person would not bolt. If he or she quits on you, then he or she was never the right one to begin with.

For those who are in happy and fulfilling relationships… be thankful. I am really glad that you have made the right choice. Treasure and cherish your partner for you are truly blessed to have found one another.

To my dearest readers, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful year ahead!

If you feel that this post might benefit your single friends who are looking for love, please tweet it or share it on Facebook. Thank you in advance!

Have not updated my blog in months. And the significant other has started to nag me. 'When was the last time you blogged?' he asked.

The reason for the lack of blog posts is usually the same. The lack of time. Or more often the lack of inspiration.

And I guess, the truth is…

The strive for perfection.

I am unable to post up a blog post that I do not feel strongly about. In other words, I refuse to write for the sake of writing. Maybe I should. Because then, I would probably have more frequent posts, and more regular readers.

The strive for perfection is also often the bane when it comes to singles looking for a mate.

Is he tall enough? Is she pretty enough?

Does he earn enough? Is she slim enough?

Is he really nice? Or is he faking it? Or why is he SO nice? There must be something wrong with him.

And when we finally meet the right person, we realise that, they are not perfect after all. Because we have come to realise that it is not possible to find someone who's perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and more often than not, we have many flaws.

It is better to build a relationship with someone who is 'not so perfect' but whom you love, rather than spend your whole life trying to look for that perfect someone, only to be sorely disappointed to know that he or she does not exist. 

And so, what is the definition of perfect?

After being in a relationship with the significant other for 11 years, and being married for 6 years… I have realised that… life's perfect when you are contented…. and happy. It's all in your state of mind.

When you are feeling fulfilled and blissful, everything is perfect…

You can't search out perfection. Perfection will come searching for you! When you have finally put away your check list syndrome, get rid of your emotional baggage, lower your defences, open up your heart… and go into the relationship with an open mind, and a positive attitude.

All the best in your path to meeting perfection…!

P/S I promise I would work on posting more regularly instead of seeking perfection.

Honestly, I was quite put off with the movie title at first. Love in Space? Hmm…

However, I was attracted to the star-studded cast (Aaron Kwok, Eason Chan, Rene Liu, Xu Fan, Angelababy), and hey, it's a love comedy after all right? Thus, when offered a pair of tickets by omy.sg to catch the preview screening, I decided to give the movie a chance.

To cut the long story short, the movie revolves around a mother and her three daughters who have achieved much in life, but there's something missing in all their lives… you guess it… L.O.V.E. As the story unfolds, we are introduced to the mother and the three lovely daughters – their lives, their aspirations and their love matches.

The movie explores many different themes of romantic love.

Between the mother and her love match, it is about companionship between two people in their twilight years, two people sharing the same interest – cooking. Will love blossom?

Between the first sister and her fellow astronaut (that's probably where the cheesy movie title comes from…), it is about lost love found. They used to date each other, but due to some misunderstandings, they broke up. Will they rekindle their long lost relationship?

Between the second sister and her match, it is about putting aside prejudices and differences, and working together to make a seemingly impossible relationship to work. Will it work?

And between the youngest sister and her beau, it is a love story between a superstar and a 'commoner'. Will she choose love over her career? After all, she has signed a contract to not be in a relationship for 5 years.

Out of the four love stories, the most touching story for me is the love story of the second sister. It is a most unlikely match because she is a cleanliness freak (she actually has to see a psychiatrist for her condition), and he is a rubbish collector. Well, to be fair, he is the only heir in the family-run business, but unfortunately he is involved in the daily operations. They had a false start to their could be relationship, and at one point, it seemed as it their relationship would not stand a chance. But as fate would have it, they ended up bumping into each other again, literally. What really made this love story work is also the chemistry between the actor (Eason Chan) and the actress (Gwei Lun-Mei). 

I would give this movie a 7 out of 10 rating. It is entertaining enough, there were many scenes that got the whole cinema laughing out loud. It is touching enough, quite a number of scenes made me tear. And I did walk out of the movie theatre, feeling that it is time well spent. Even hubby who was initially dragged there to watch the movie had a good time. That says something! 

The movie is out in all major cinemas today in Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong. Go catch it now! 

Recently, an associate shared with me that she and another colleague of ours are very envious of me, because I have snagged such a great guy. My hubby Jamie comes across as a good husband as well as a good father. They even said that my hubby's type of man is probably in extinction. It is not possible to find a man like that anymore.

When I shared this later with my hubby, I said with mock indignant, "How come nobody says that you are a lucky guy?" Hubby said without missing a beat, "I am a lucky guy!" See, I love this man! 

Jokes aside…. I thought it is long overdue that I share some tips with my dear readers on how to 'snag' a great guy, as truly, I know and believe with all my heart that I am blessed to have met and later 'snag' my dearest hubby. I give thanks everyday to have such a wonderful husband and fantastic father for my children.

So, here's my 'secret' step-by-step approach:

Step 1: Ask yourself, "What is my definition of a great guy?"

Problem is, we are often looking at the wrong things. Before I met Jamie, my definition of a great guy or at least an ideal guy for me is someone who is outgoing, talkative, life of the party… and of course he must be witty and humorous. Anybody who have met Jamie would definitely NOT have used the above adjectives to describe him.

In fact, when I invited him to come for my high school reunion, he asked if he could bring a book, and I said OK. And when he first met some of my ex-colleagues from the bank, they actually asked me, "What do you see in him?!" because he was so quiet then and did not say much. 

I am definitely blessed because even though I must admit I was initially attracted to Jamie for biologically-driven reasons, when I got to know him better, it was beyond the surface. I realised that he is indeed my soul mate because among others, we share the same values and same life goals. It no longer mattered that he is not outgoing, talkative and life of the party…! Now, I wondered what was I thinking then?!

The most brilliant diamond is often hidden underneath what might seem like a rough rock. Look beyond the surface. Your perfect match might not come in the package that you expect, but if you could just spend some time to get to know him better, he could be the perfect guy for you.

Step 2: Being happy on your own

Are you happy on your own? Or are you looking for a man to fill the huge empty space in your life? Is this an important question, you might ask? Yes it is. Because depending on your answer, the approach you take to life and finding a man would be very different. 

A woman who is happy on her own comes across as self-assured and confident, and of course happy. A woman who has a huge gap to be filled usually comes across as needy. And being too needy will definitely send most guys packing.

Basically, men want to be with women who are happy, who are contented, who are positive and optimistic. Why? Because when they imagine a future with you, they want to feel warm and fuzzy inside, and not shudder in cold sweat. No man wants to be part of a quarrelsome household. If during the dating and courting stage, you are already complaining and nitpicking about everything under the sun, chances are, he will definitely think twice of continuing with the relationship. 

Are you currently happy? If you are not, find out why. Fix that first. What is your childhood passion? Go pursue your passion. What is a hobby you have been dying to pick up? Do it now. Where do you want to travel to? Apply for leave and pack your bags. When you are a truly happy person, guys will flock to you like bees to honey. Because honestly, we are all attracted to happy people. 

Step 3: Rediscover your Kindness Quotient

Many men, when asked what attracted them to their wives, did not say that because she was pretty or beautiful or even sexy. Many actually said, because she is kind. Are you shocked? Some has also called it the 'Specific Act of Kindness'. Men like women too have certain soft spots and insecurities. Some women worry about coming on too strong. If he is the right type of guy, he probably would not think badly of you. He would just be touched that you are so thoughtful. 

Jamie has shared with me that an act that won him over was when I bought him fizzy cola candies from the nearby cinema, and I dropped them off at his place. To me, it was just a random act, as I happened to be watching movies with friends, and I knew that he likes fizzy cola candies. But for him, the act has spoken volumes.

Another girl I know dedicated her time to helping the guy lose weight even before they become an item. She was so patient, supportive and encouraging, and the guy was so completely touched by her. They eventually got together and he gave her one of the sweetest marriage proposals I have ever heard. And he absolutely adores her.

Men do not like materialistic women. Men do not like opportunistic women. Men do not like to be taken for a ride. In short, men are not stupid.

Instead of thinking of what you can get from the guy, think of what you can give him. And actually, a great guy is not looking for much. He is simply looking for someone who appreciates him for who he is, and someone who is not afraid to give or wear her heart on the sleeve.

At the end of the day, like anything in life, your mindset will determine your behaviour which will in turn determine your actions. If you do not believe that it is possible to 'snag' a great guy, because they are an extinct species, chances are… you won't!

All the great guys are NOT married or gay. There are actually many wonderful men out there if you bother to search and scour. Keep your eyes and mind open, and I assure you, you will be surprised that your 'great guy' could be right under your nose!

Happy dating! 

Close to two years ago, I made a 20 hours journey from Singapore to Rochester, United States with much joy and happiness in my heart as I was going to witness the happy union between two wonderful individuals, my best friend Dr Yap Tsiao Yi and her boyfriend of 9 years Dr Tan Tow Shung.

Last Friday, I made a one hour journey from Singapore to Penang. But this time, it was with a heavy laden heart. Tow Shung has returned to the arms of the Lord last Wednesday on 18 May 2011. When I first heard the news, my first reaction was shock, followed by grief.

Tow Shung was diagnosed with advanced stage metastatic esophageal cancer in Oct 2007. He was only 29. Tow Shung went to Chung Ling High School in Penang before pursuing his medical degree at IMU (then known as IMC) in Kuala Lumpur. He was on the Dean's List. He was the President of the Student Council. Later, he went off to complete his medical degree at McGill University together with Tsiao Yi. Thereafter, he started his medical career at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic. He had an amazing and bright future ahead of him. 

Many people would have asked "Why me?" Many would have curse God. Many would have turn away from their faith. But Tow Shung never did that. His faith in the Lord has never wavered in the last 3 years and 7 months. Tow Shung passed away peacefully at home, lying on his bed, with his wife and best friend Tsiao Yi by his side. And at his bedside table was his bible and other Christian literature.

At the wake service, his soon-to-be 90 years old grandfather shared his memories of Tow Shung. His grandfather said that Tow Shung was a great organiser – he organised his 50th, then 60th wedding anniversary celebration. Tow Shung promised to organise his 90 years old birthday this year…

His mother shared that one of the best qualities of Tow Shung is his sense of responsibility. Even when he was about 4 years old, she could rely on him to look after his baby sister and report on all the important things that have happened while his mum was away.

His younger sister shared about his humility and his consideration for others. She told us about how towards the last few weeks of his life, as his body started to jerk uncontrollably at times and he would drop his utensils or food at the dining table and he would apologise profusely, when their mother would be happy to scold the table instead.

His father spoke about reading the many well-wishes and kind notes on the blog that Tow Shung has created on Caring Bridge to share his journey with cancer. Yes, Tow Shung called it a journey. His father was overwhelmed and in awe with the many messages left on his blog… knowing how many lives Tow Shung has touched and inspired: doctors, nurses, patients, friends and strangers alike all around the world.

Many have written about him in their blogs and their Facebook statuses. One young medical student is so inspired by Tow Shung that he has decided to start a medical blog. He said Dr Tan Tow Shung is his role model.

Tow Shung was not only a serious student but he also knows when and how to have fun. His buddy, a fellow doctor, shared the beautiful memories and fun times they had while studying abroad in this video. 

I never got to know Tow Shung as well as I would have liked as he and Tsiao Yi were based in the US, and me in Asia. Yet, reading his blog, I have been deeply inspired by his strength and his courage as he journeyed along the last 3 years and 7 months. Many would have given up and turned bitter with life. Many would have just stopped living, and just let cancer take over their life. But he did not do that.

Tow Shung went on to complete his specialist studies at Mayo Clinic. He tied the knot with his college sweetheart Tsiao Yi after 9 years of courtship.

It was a very beautiful and touching wedding and I am so grateful that I could be there to witness their testament of true and unconditional love. Many were initially apprehensive of their union as he has stage 4 cancer. However, my brave best friend never hesitated as she said 'yes' to his marriage proposal. In the last 3 years and 7 months, she has been his greatest supporter, his caretaker and his pillar of strength.

As they returned to Malaysia last year, he could have just stayed at home and rest, we would all have understand… but yet he continued to touch lives and inspire others as he joined Penang Medical College as a lecturer.

The pastor at the funeral service was right… Tow Shung has lived a full and complete life. Tow Shung has lived his life to the fullest.

At the funeral service last Saturday, there was not one dry eye in the church. Tow Shung has touched all of us in so many ways. He was a faithful believer, a loving husband, a filial son, a caring physician and a loyal brother, nephew, cousin and friend.

His strength and his courage would continue to inspire us all. His positive take on his journey as a cancer patient will always remind me that…

We ALWAYS have a choice. We can either curse and complain when life throws us a curve ball. Or we can face up to it and make the best out of life and live our life to the fullest. For that, I forever thank him…

Tow Shung, till we meet again on that beautiful shore…

Wow, time really flies… I just realised that I have not blogged for 3 months! Sorry for the long absence as I have been very busy with the business, especially our new branch in Taipei, as well as spending time with our family…!

And of course, in recent weeks, I have been one of the many keen followers on the latest updates on the Singapore's General Election 2011.

Now that the dust has settled, I have reflected on the ten lessons I have learnt from this momentous event in Singapore, and how these lessons can be applied to love, dating and relationships.

1. Do not think that what you have done in the past would help you in the present or the future. As much as it is true that the ruling party has brought Singapore from a fishing village to the thriving modern metropolitan it is today, many Singaporeans no longer vote based on the past accomplishments. Application: Similarly, one of the biggest complaints in many relationships is that the guy or the girl puts on his or her best behaviour during courtship, but once the deal is sealed, he or she will stop trying as hard, or keep bringing up all the things that he or she has done in the past. In any relationship, be it between the government and its citizen or between two lovers, constant and consistent effort must be put in to keep the relationship relevant and growing.

2. Do not come across as arrogant. If you read the many forum postings about GE2011, one of the most common traits used to describe the ruling party is 'arrogant'. Application: I can assure you that if your date meets you for the first time, and you come across as arrogant and high-handed, chances are you will not get a second date. The problem is, many a times, the person who has been labelled as arrogant did not even intend to come across as such. They are usually shocked when they know that others view them as arrogant. It's all in the mindset and the attitude. When you go on a date, adopt an open mindset and a positive attitude – take it as an enjoyable experience to make a new friend. Even when you meet the person, and he or she might not be your ideal mate, do not dismiss him or her immediately. You never know… he or she might have a friend or colleague who is the perfect mate for you… and because of your deemed arrogance, you have lost the chance of being introduced!

3. Communication is a two-way street. I remember visiting one of the PAP candidate's FB page, and I was quite surprised that comments are not allowed and wall postings by fans are also not allowed. It set me thinking, "What's the point of having a FB page then?" The ruling party would have realised by now that they have to rethink their social media strategy to connect with the young. Application: When it comes to dating, it is interesting to observe some who just embark on a monologue during dates. They are not even aware that their date is getting extremely bored and disinterested. A good conversation is like a game of table-tennis or ping pong. The ball goes back and forth rhythmically. Each party must be given a chance to participate and air their views.

4. Speak in the same language. Communicating is not enough. You have to speak the same language as your audience. During the GE, I attended rallies and watched the rallies online. And I found it quite amusing how different the various candidates spoke during the rallies, and the varied responses (some good, and some not so good) that they drew from the audience. I have to say, most of the time, the opposition parties did a much better job in rallying the rally goers. Application: When it comes to first dates, you will be shocked to know what people talk about. Some people like to talk about their jobs even though they hate their jobs. And as they delve deeper into their jobs, they would use industry jargons that people generally do not understand and eventually, their date lose interest. Know your date, know what his or her interest is, and engage him or her on the same level.

5. First impressions do matter. In every GE, be it in Singapore or other countries, there are bound to be some 'STARS'. One of the biggest and hottest names in GE2011 is of course Ms. Nicole Seah. Even before she was officially introduced and interviewed, she was already making waves when her official photo was released to the media. Sweet, pretty, fresh-faced are just some of the words used to describe this passionate, confident and well-spoken young lass. Application: Ladies, I know I have said this before, but I am going to say it again… first impressions are very important for first dates. Men are visual creatures. Hence, always put your best foot forward when going on a first date! First impressions are difficult to change… in doubt, just refer to the unfortunate case of Ms. Tin Pei Ling. Her real self could be totally different from what was portrayed in and by the online media, but it is definitely going to be an uphill task changing that initial impression.

6. Commitment is not enough. You need to have passion too. I believe that all the candidates who ran, withstanding the parties they are from are committed to serve the country. However, commitment is not enough. The voters want to see passion too. If your passion to serve is all wrapped up and people cannot see it, it is definitely going to cost you votes. Application: In a relationship, if there's only commitment and no passion, it is known as empty love. Many long-term relationships fall into this trap. They are committed to stay together, but after a while, the romance fizzles out, and like they say, familiarity breeds contempt. Before your relationship spirals down further, it is important to reignite the passion that you once feel for each other when you first started dating. For a marriage to work, you have to work at it.

7. Gifts do not always work. In the past, carrots worked like a charm. Lifts upgrading, grow and share packages. This time round, the gifts were no longer as effective as that's not what many of the voters want. I think all future candidates should read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. Giving gifts is just one of the 5 love languages. The others are acts of service, quality time, touch and words of affirmation. The ruling party seems to be lacking in the last 3 – quality time, touch and words of affirmation. And hence, they started to lose touch with the voters. The opposition parties however struck hard on touch and words of affirmation when connecting with the voters. Application: When it comes to relationships, do you know what your partner's love language is? And are you displaying your affection by speaking his or her love language and not your own? If your love language is act of service, and your partner's love language is quality time, it is obvious why both of you often feel unloved. Once you understand what each other's love language is, you can start speaking in the same language.  

8. Watch your words. The biggest buzz word in GE2011 has to be 'REPENT'. Many of my friends and FB friends alike were extremely offended by MM Lee's statement. And ultimately, this word probably contributed to the loss of Aljuneid GRC for the PAP. Application: Similarly, when you are in a relationship, it's so important that you watch what you say. Because a single word can sometimes make a break a relationship. In anger, we often say many things that we do not mean. But hurtful words are like water being thrown out from a pail onto the floor (Chinese Saying). Once it's thrown out, you cannot take it back. When you are in an argument with your loved one, bite your tongue if you have to, but always refrain from sarcasm and contempt.

9. Acknowledge your mistake when you are in the wrong. It has been said that PM Lee Hsien Loong's apology helped to sway some swing voters to vote for PAP. Sorry is indeed the hardest word. I have to force my 2 year old daughter to say it when she does something wrong. And yes, she's only 2!!! Application: Prolonged arguments can be avoided in relationships if one party takes a step back and apologises. When you are in the wrong, put your ego aside, and apologise. It can actually be the best thing you can do to save your relationship or your marriage. Think about it this way, is saving face more important, or is your relationship/marriage more important?

10. Be the right person. Many investors have been holding their breath lest there be a freak election result. Thus, the Singapore's stock market rose sharply after it was announced that the ruling party PAP has returned to power decisively. After the exciting campaigning and hustings, Singaporeans generally voted wisely and rationally. As much as many are not completely satisfied with the ruling party, they still voted for the candidates whom they feel can best serve them in the long run. Opposition parties who did not have strong manifestos or long-term plans were not voted in this time round. Workers' Party who fielded strong and credible candidates and has a convincing manifesto made great strides in this election. Application: When it comes to dating, before one even starts to think about meeting the right person, most importantly one has to be the right person. Because when you are the right candidate, with the right mindset, the right attitude and the right behaviour, you would automatically come across as attractive to your target audience!

This has been an extremely insightful and enlightening two weeks for me. The General Election has indeed brought out the best and the worst in many of us. I have been heartened and inspired by heroic acts, touching stories and courageous stance; and I have been brought to tears when I saw how ugly and petty we can be. At the end of the day, I believe it is what we learn from it all that will make us stronger and better.

To my dearest readers, happy dating and have a wonderful week ahead!

When I first saw the 'No Strings Attached' trailer, I thought to myself… I would like to watch this show… mainly because I have always enjoyed Natalie Portman's acting. Hence, when OMY Blog Club sent out an email to say that they had 40 preview tickets available, I jumped at the chance to be one of the first to catch the show.

The key question posed in the show is of course… Friends with benefits… does it work? I think most of us know the answer to that. It will never work for long as one party will end up falling for the other, and the other is simply not ready to invest anything more than just sex. It was still fun watching the chemistry between Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher as the plot unfolds…

Even though the plot might be a tad bit predictable, I did glean some interesting tips for all you single guys out there from this show.

1. Wearing your heart on your sleeve. Ashton Kutcher played the male lead Adam. Adam is such a sweet and sensitive guy, and his friends are always giving him funny advice. However, one thing I have to admire about Adam is that he really dares to just wear his heart on his sleeve and just put himself out there. Upon the suggestion of his friend, he actually visited Emma (played by Natalie Portman) at her work place with a balloon. For you guys out there, you do not always have to come across as macho and aloof. Sometimes, wearing your heart on your sleeve is sweet too. But always be sincere and genuine about it of course.

2. Planning a great first date. Finally after being sex friends for ages, they decided to go on a real first date. I love the fact that Adam dressed up for the date. Gave her 'flowers'. Planned the entire date and even had an itinerary! And they did so many interesting things together, not just your usual dinner. Guys, if you do not know this already, women do not like men who are indecisive. As much as you would like to give her a say or a choice, truth is, we will be extremely impressed if you have taken the initiative to give us a surprise by planning a great date!

3. Standing your ground even when it hurts. In real life, you would think that the guy would be the one who falls for the girl and as a result the whole friends with benefits relationship will break down. However, in the show, it was the other way round. When Adam wanted something more than just sex, and Emma just couldn't seem to reciprocate. Adam finally took the painful decision of putting a stop to it all.

The scene where he told her, "I can't keep doing this. I am not going to see you again…", it was quite heart-wrenching to watch as you know how much he loves her.

The problem with many nice guys out there is… they just simply do what the girls want. They do not stand their ground. And at the end of the day, the girl just tires of them because the girls just feel that they are spineless and cannot stand up for themselves or what they believe in. There's nothing wrong in being nice. But know this, you want her to respect you, to look up to you. And if she's wrong, you have to put a stop to it.

Would I recommend this movie? No Strings Attached might not make it to my favourite romance comedy list like Love Actually, 50 First Dates or While You Were Sleeping… but it's 100% funny enough to have you in stitches, and it's definitely eye candy galore for both the female and male movie goers with two very good looking leads Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. And the bonus… you might even learn a thing or two about dating and relationships!

So what are you waiting for? Go catch it with your special date this Valentine's season! Check here for movie times!

2010 marks the 10^th year I have been writing annual report a.k.a. my personal report card. Maybe that is the reason I am finding it so difficult to begin. Perhaps I really should not think too much, and just let the words flow. J

So here goes…

I have been thinking what would be the best way to write this year’s report to encapsulate the essence of 2010 and an idea came to mind! Since this year is year 2010, and it is also the 10^th year I have been writing reports, why not make a listing of 10? J

2010 has been an amazingly good year. With God’s grace and unmerited favor, I have made great strides in many areas of my life.

The Happiest 10

1. I am now a published author. I have always loved to write, and have always dreamt of seeing my words in print.  I now have two books to my name – an English book and the Chinese version of the book. This is definitely a dream come true. J

2. My blog is the winner of The Most Insightful Blog in the Singapore Blog Award 2010. After keeping a blog for 10 years, of course I secretly harbor the hope that one day, it would become an award-winning blog… and this year, it has! J

3. Nominated for Singapore Women’s Weekly Great Women of Our Time Award 2010. Even though I did not win, it was definitely an honor to sit among some of the most illustrious and inspirational women in Singapore.

4. Celebrating 10 years of courtship and 5 years of marriage with my supportive and loving husband Jamie. I wrote about him and our courtship 10 years ago in my annual report then. Amazingly, we still share an amazing connection after all these years, and we can still talk for hours every day! J

5. After 6 years, Lunch Actually has reached new heights. Many businesses have achieved this milestone in a much shorter time. However, for Jamie and I, the last 6 years have definitely not been easy, and we are proud that we have achieved it with the hard work, dedication and contribution of our team.

6. Losing 10kg. I never thought that this was possible. But I am so proud that I managed to do it. After piling on the pounds after marriage and two pregnancies, I was weighing the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. Thus, it has been very empowering and confidence boosting to lose all those excess weight. I feel lighter and slimmer, and most important of all, healthier!

7. Running one 5.6km and two 10km marathons. For a person who has not run more than 2kms before last December, to have run two 10km marathons this year has not been easy. J It has taken me years, but I am glad that I have finally found the discipline to exercise and stay fit.

8. Discovering my passion for speaking. I started my journey as a Toastmaster in 2001. However, 2010 is the year that I am given the chance to speak and touch lives. Two speeches that stood out for me are the speech that I gave to a group of secondary school student in Singapore and a group of undergrads in Hong Kong. I am extremely honored to be given an opportunity to shape and mould our youth and inspire them to be the best they can be.

9. Seeing Corum grow to a confident little boy. When he was about 2, whenever we bring him to his friends’ birthday parties, he would cling on to us like a koala bear. And if we try to get him to participate, he would cry. It was frustrating as we know that he’s a bubbly kid at home. After a lot of encouragement, he is now more chatty and confident. It is extremely rewarding to see him blossom.

10. Seeing little Cara grow up and go to school. My little princess is growing up fast. She is a quick learner, and she can already say lots of words, and she can count 1-10. She can also hum many songs. I am starting to see a lot of myself in her. The good and the not-so-good.  J If she wants something, she absolutely has to have it. And she is not even 2!  It is going to be interesting to see her go through ‘Terrible Two’!

2010 has been an absolutely grand year. I finally turn 30, and am officially over the hill! I have learnt a lot from the many inspirational people around me. I have made many new friends and got reacquainted with many old friends.

On a sad note, this year, one of my uncles passed away as a result of multiple strokes. This has reminded me how important it is that we spend time with our loved ones before it’s too late. Thus, with my heavier travel schedule this year, I am grateful to be able to spend quality time with my loved ones.

Looking back on 2010, I really thank God for his abundant blessings on my family.

As the curtain falls on 2010 and we step into a brand new year, may we have the wisdom to learn from the highs and lows of the past year, and the confidence to embrace the New Year with renewed faith, hope and vigour…

Happy New Year, my dearest friends! May you find much love, laughter and happiness in year 2011! J

The truth is, before I become a professional matchmaker, I thought I knew all there was to know about dating, since I met my husband when I was 20 and we got married when I was 25. However, after entering the dating industry, I realised that there are actually many harsh realities about dating that people do not know. And that is why I decided to share my learning and insights in my book so that single ladies out there know what are the myths vs. realities. At least, after they know this, they can then make intelligent and informed decisions on what they wish to do to increase their chances of finding the right one!

Single ladies need to realise that finding the right one is NOT simply about meeting the right one.

Most singles if you ask them would tell you that the reason they are single is because they have not met the right one. However, meeting is just one of the three components. The other two components are ‘being the right one’ and ‘choosing the right one’. I have met many singles who come to use our services. Some of them successfully meet someone, and some don’t.

After some analysing, we realise that people who actually meet someone through us, they are generally:

• Open minded and have a positive attitude
• Flexible when it comes to their dating preferences and criteria
• Take each date as an enjoyable experience of meeting a new friend
• Partner with their dating consultant by providing honest feedback and also receiving feedback given by the dating consultant

All single ladies out there need to realise that:

1. Time is not on their side. As much as they would like to build a successful career, they must also give priority to their social life

2. First impressions matter to men. As much as we do not want to change ourselves, we should appreciate that men are very visual creatures, and hence there’s no harm putting our best foot forward in each date.

3. Dating is a numbers game. You need to meet people to meet the right one. If you spend your Saturday night at home doing your laundry, your Prince Charming is not going to jump out of the washing machine!

4. There is no shame in increasing your own chances of success in finding the right partner. Let me ask you, if you were to go for a job interview, wouldn’t you put on your best suit? Style your hair? Brush up on your CV? Prepare for your answers? Arrive on time? Isn’t your lifelong happiness worth at least the same effort as looking for a job?

At the end of the day, you need to realise this… when you are single and alone, your boss will not be there to look after you. I know all the bosses out there are not very happy with me right now! You have to love yourself more. You need to prioritise your time!

I was asked this question at a talk I gave recently… “Violet, is it possible to have it all? A career, a marriage and a family?”

The answer is… a resounding ‘YES!’

However, in order to achieve that, you have to look at your priorities. It’s not going to happen if you spend all your waking moments at work! If you want to have it all, you need to spend equal time on both work and social!

Many people out there will be wet blankets, maybe even saying, “Are you so desperate?” But just let them say whatever they want to say. In one of my favourite books, “Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, there’s something Morrie said that will always stick in my mind… “Create your own culture!” The world is sometimes not a very nice place… people will put us down, or make us conform to what is known as the norm. However, you don’t need to conform to other people’s culture. Create your own… and go out there and find your own happiness!

Happy dating!

There has been a lot of talk that many career women in Singapore are still single… In the first part of this 2-part series, we are going to talk about the characteristics of some of the single ladies that I have met.

To be fair, not only many career women in Singapore are still single. It is the same with any other modern cities around the world e.g. Hong Kong, New York, Seoul, Tokyo, Shanghai etc. The thing is… more and more singles are delaying marriage. In the past, women marry in their early 20s. If you were to marry in your mid-20s, it is considered old. But now, many women are still not married by the time they are in their 30s. A lot of times, it is because these women are so focused on building their career in the early part of their life. And when they finally decide to settle down, they learn that it is not as easy to find a partner in their 30s as opposed to when they are in their 20s. One of the realities that I have shared in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’ is that ultimately many men are looking to date younger women as they would like to start a family eventually. So they would start to think, if I date a woman who is in her mid-30s, after 2 years of dating, 2 years of honeymoon period after the marriage, would it be too late to start a family?

Single ladies can be generally categorised into 4 groups. Of course these are generalisations and stereotypes and they are not exhaustive.

1. The Dragon Lady: Dragon ladies are women who have done very well for themselves in the workplace. And as the skillset of women such as communication skills, interpersonal skills, multitasking skills are being more sought after in the workplace, more and more women are rising fast in the corporate world, sometimes even faster than their male counterparts. Women often feel that they have to adopt a more domineering and aggressive demeanour to climb up the corporate ladder. And often, they bring these characteristics with them wherever they go even when they are on dates. However, I always say to my single female clients, ‘Men are looking to date and marry women, not men!’ Women need to realise that they are on a date and not a debate. They do not need to challenge every single thing the guy say, or have the last say all the time. My advice to the dragon ladies is to indulge in your femininity and leave the fist-thumping in the boardroom.

2. The Waiter a.k.a. The Fixer: These are ladies who might be seeing someone, but they have been in the same relationship for 3 years, 5 years, or 9 years but the relationship just does not seem to be going anywhere. The reason is, the man keeps telling the woman that he’s not ready to settle down, and the woman is willing to just sit by and wait, hence the name ‘waiter’. And some of them are also fixers meaning they believe they can fix the guy, even though women who preceded them have failed. They believe that they are unique and special. My advice to this group of ladies is to give the guy an ultimatum. Give him a deadline, and if he does not adhere to it, then move on. You have to love yourself more because time is not on the side of the women. Just move on. If he loves you enough, he will ask you back and ask for your hand. If he does not, then he was never worth your time in the first place.

3. The Princess (and her Prince): A lot of single ladies for into this category. They probably have read too many fairy tales or indulge in too many Hollywood movies or Korean dramas. They would like to meet their prince charming ‘by chance’ because they believe that it is not romantic if they do anything extra to meet him. I believe that dating is a numbers game. Out of every 10 single men you meet, probably there are only 5 whom you are interested to know more about and he too would like to know you better. From the 5, you will probably go on a first date with 3 or 4. And from that 3 or 4, you will probably only go on more dates with 2 or 3. And from there, hopefully, you meet the one. Hence, the question is, if you do not even meet 10 single men in a month or even for some a year, what are the chances you would meet the one? I always ask the princesses, do you wish to be romantically single for the rest of your life, or be more proactive and find your prince charming? My advice is, give yourself more opportunities and find more platform to widen your social circle and meet more new people.

4. The Clueless: Some ladies do not have a lot of relationship experience or have not dated in a long time. Hence, they have no idea of what to expect when it comes to dating or might have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. They would tell me things like, “Why should I do anything different? They should like me for who I am. If they don’t, then they are not worth my time!” when I suggest that they put on some light makeup when they go on a date. My question to them is, “There are many guys out there who are very nice and have great personality, however they might not meet your height preference (height is very important for most ladies!), then why don’t you like them for who they are as well?” My advice is that we should challenge our own list of criteria and preferences. Ultimately, we judge others, others judge us as well. When we look at each of our criterion, we should ask ourselves, is this a ‘must have’ or a ‘good to have’. If he is 1.75m, does it mean that he would be a better husband or a better father?

Stay tuned for the 2nd part… ‘What can single women do to lose their singlehood?’

This is the 3rd and last part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series and click here to read the second part of this series.

Secret No. 3: Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

I am sure many of you who are based in Singapore would remember this TV ad – Beautifully Imperfect. If you cannot remember it, you can watch it here.

Many people go into marriage thinking everything will be perfect. Sometimes, I think it is bad that we try to make our wedding perfect. After such 'perfection', some people go into their marriage having an expectation that everything will be perfect and their marriage will be a bed of roses. But since we are humans, we can never be perfect. If two imperfect people come together, there are sure to be some imperfections along the way.

I love this story that my friend told me about her friend X. So what happened was, X kept trying to change her husband. Her husband had a bad habit of discarding his clothes on the floor after he takes them off. And this would really annoy her a lot. And they will end up quarreling. So after years of trying to change her husband, she finally decided to change herself. She decided to accept her husband for he is, and discarding his clothes on the floor is something that he will always do. It does not mean that he is a bad husband or a bad father. I thought that was pretty hilarious I first heard this story, or maybe it was because my friend was a really animated storyteller. As extreme as this story might sound, sometimes it is just as simple as that. 

Sometimes, we just need to embrace our partner's imperfections.

Back to me. I have so many flaws. I think if I were to write them all down, it's going to take up too much space. And my hubby Jamie too has his little imperfections which I don't think would be nice for me to reveal in public space. The way we have been able to live harmoniously, at least 90% of the time is to embrace these imperfections, and these imperfections will even grow on us.

Ok, I will let you in on a little secret. I drool when I sleep. YES, I DO! Some of you might be thinking… "EEEKKKSS!" I know, I know… I wish I could find a way to stop this. But apparently, it has to do with the structure of my mouth. Anyway, Jamie can either complain about how my drool is all over the pillows, or he could create a cute little pet name for me based on this imperfection. I am sure you can guess what he did.

So here you have it, my 3 little secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Choosing the Right Mate

2. Agreeing on Money Matters Early

3. Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

If you are married, what are you own little secrets? Do share them with us!