happilyeverafter: “Are you dating the marrying type?” (Part 1)


happilyeverafter is the latest category of posts dedicated to all the wonderful single ladies out there! This blog post is part of a multi-part series.

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There are two types of men out there:

1. The men who will marry

2. The confirmed bachelors

Smart women date only one type of men – the marrying type.

The Marrying Type

So what is the marrying type? This is the ideal type of man to date if your end goal is to get married, settle down, and start a family. 

Violet, so how do I identify and zoom in on the marrying type?

For some, it is easy to identify them. They always appear to be more responsible than their peers. They come across as dependable and reliable. They are filial and family oriented. They love kids.

However, sometimes it is not as easy to identify them. The marrying type is also someone who is tired of the whole singles life and is more than ready for a change.  He may feel as if he no longer has much in common with his single friends, and he’s tired of being alone all the time.

A man who is the marrying type will focus more and more on looking for real love and attraction rather than strictly on biological attraction.  What’s more, he will probably admit openly (although sometimes a bit reluctantly) that a serious relationship is desirable to him and perhaps even that he wants to get on with the experience of being a father.

The reasons for marriage change as men age. The younger men typical go for the traditional reasons – love and companionship. The men over 40, like women, have ‘biological clock’ as well. They realize that the years are passing them by, and they are not as fit as they used to be. As they still want to be young enough to play and teach their sons – play ball or ride a bicycle, they start to think about settling down.

Now that you have an idea how to identify the marrying type, I would like you to keep your eyes open for the confirmed bachelors, as these are the men that you want to avoid. However, sometimes they are well-disguised, and you may be tricked into thinking otherwise.

(To be continued… To be notified of my blog updates, sign up for my FREE newsletter.)

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Nicholas Tse’s Love Philosophy |谢霆锋的爱情观

A couple of weeks ago, I read that HK superstars Nicholas Tse 谢霆锋 and Cecilia Cheung 张柏芝 have just welcomed their latest addition to the family. Now they are a happy family of 4.

I must say, Nicholas Tse has definitely surprised me repeatedly.

He has totally changed my initial opinion of him. When he first came onto the entertainment scene, I dismissed him very quickly as another 'bad boy'. He exemplifies all if not most of the 'bad boy' traits. Cocky, cool, good-looking, good with women. 

And when the scandal involving his wife Cecilia Cheung broke, I thought to myself, that's it… the marriage is probably over. With all the Chinese media blowing things out of proportion, and so much scrutiny surrounding his wife, someone like him probably would throw in the towel. I know, I know… I should not have been so quick to judge. And I must say, I have been humbled.

He supported her throughout the entire incident. He shielded her through the entire saga. He did not say much, but his actions speak louder than words. At her lowest point, he was her rock and refuge.

Later, when things have blown over, Cecilia revealed in a TV interview that she was so scared when she found out about the photos leak, as she knew that her photos would eventually surface. And when she told Nicholas, he just told her, "Don't worry, I am here." And when Nicholas was later interviewed about the saga, he said, "When I married her, I already know what sort of woman she was…" I am so touched by his words and his actions because he is so absolutely sure about his own choice and his own decision. And even though the saga might have made him 'lose face' which is such a big thing with Chinese culture, he was totally unfazed by it!

He surprised me a second time with his love philosophy 爱情观. I caught one of his more recent interviews with one of the China's TV stations, and when asked about his love philosophy, he said, there are 4 stages when it comes to love.

1. Passion 激情

2. Romance 爱情

3. Family Love 亲情

4. Friendship 友情

And these are the four components of love 感情. 

I am surprised not because there is anything wrong with what he has said. What he has said is what many relationship experts have been trying to share, but I just did not expect an artist, needless to say superstar like him to think that way! We often read about break-ups and divorces in the entertainment world especially Hollywood. And the reason is simple, as many of these relationships do not go past the first stage – Passion. I always describe passion like fireworks. It's absolutely beautiful, but it's also short-lived and it will fizzle out eventually. 

I really liked what he said about the 4th stage. He said eventually, as the children grow, and you become old, it will turn into friendship. And at this point, some of the audience probably have expressions of disbelief, and the host told them to give him a chance to explain, since he is a 'person of experience'.

He said, ultimately, we are all looking for a companion.

I think many people usually miss this point. They don't understand that passion and romance do not last forever. So they choose their mate just based on the first two stages. And when they move on to the third and the fourth phase, the cracks start to show, because they are just simply not compatible. They have nothing to talk about. They actually do not even enjoy each other's company! I have heard of quite a lot of husbands or wives staying out as late as possible, or leaving the house as early as possible, as they want to spend as little time as possible with their spouse. 

It is really wonderful that Nicholas Tse is sharing his love philosophy. My hope is that more of his impressionable fans would listen to him and subscribe to his philosophy.

Maybe Nic would succeed where many relationship gurus have failed. 🙂

Nic shares his love philosophy: http://www.56.com/u52/v_NDIwOTEyMzM.html

Latest update 23 August 2011: Just heard the latest news. Nicholas and Cecilia have just finalized their divorce terms. At the end of the day, having a great love philosophy is not enough. Ultimately, there must be constant communication and constant compromise. Good luck to both of them, and hopefully, one day, they will find their one true love.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DaFG: Date Like a Pro… Learn from Twilight’s Edward Cullen!

Edward Cullen? Edward who?Those of you who are currently dating or married probably know which Edward I am talking about… because your girlfriends or wives cannot stop telling you about him. For those of you who don’t, don’t worry, I will fill you in. 

Edward Cullen is the male lead in the Twilight saga, which started off as teen fiction, and now brought to life in the big screen. Ever since the first movie ‘Twilight’ was released, Edward has won thousands if not millions of girls and women over. Teenage girls and their mothers alike are crazy about him.

Why? You wonder… Well, because he is every girl’s dream guy. He’s the ‘perfect guy’. Well, he’s actually a vampire. Anyway, that’s another story altogether. So here goes… he’s tall, handsome, mysterious, dreamy eyes and sensitive, you get the drift.

Before you dismiss him as another F4 boy, he has the strength of a superhero. He is super strong. He can block a truck coming your way at 100km/hour with one hand. He is smart and well-read. And he plays the piano. Yes, my friends, he has the entire package. Luckily for you guys, he’s fictional! J

However, there are a few things that you can learn from Edward to make you a super date yourself.

  1. Edward is always polite and courteous. Edward comes from the 19th century; hence he’s a perfect gentleman. He opens the car doors for her. He is polite to all the waiting staff when they go to restaurants. He is sweet to her friends. Even though her father does not treat him in the nicest nor friendliest manner, he is always gracious and polite and never loses his cool. Takeaway point: Want to score brownie points? Stop acting all macho in front of her friends. Be nice to them, and earn their approval. Meeting her parents? Impress them with your impeccable manners. And treat her like a lady. Forget the gender equality. When it comes to dating, a lady wants to be pampered and looked after. Full stop.
  1. Edward always puts her needs first. Well, as I mentioned earlier, Edward is a vampire. And his lady love Bella is a human. Even though he really loves her, he is constantly tempted to quench his thirst. And the smell of blood is so, so tempting. So whenever he is with her, he always has to restrain himself from biting her even though his entire physique is saying… Bite her!!! Takeaway point: The next time she wants to go shopping and you wish you could just laze in front of the TV, instead of dragging your feet, surprise her by being an enthusiastic shopping partner. She would be extremely delighted to know that you adore her enough to put her needs before yours.

  1. Edward is always there. Yes, he is ALWAYS there. Even when she’s sleeping! As you know vampires do not sleep at night. In Edward’s case, he does not sleep ever. Anyway, when she sleeps, he lies beside her and watch her sleep. Yes, I am not kidding. So when she wakes up, he’s always the first thing she sees. Takeaway point: Ok, I know some of you will be gagging now. J But you know what, women like their men to be there for them. Not necessarily watching them sleep, but knowing that they can count on you and rely on you. And you will be there for them no matter what.

Try out these new 'tricks', and I am sure your date or your girlfriend will be extremely impressed with the ‘new’ you!

Happy dating!

Article first appeared in New Man, Malaysia.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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What is Your Love Language?

I first came across the concept of  ‘The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman a few years ago. But I never actually paid enough attention to find out more.

A couple of months back, I was reminded of “The Five Love Languages” when I invited a friend of mine to speak at my Rotary Club on the topic. I started to pay more attention to what these 5 love languages are.

1) Words of Affirmation: “I love you!” and unsolicited compliments are highly appreciated by people whose love language is this.

2) Physical Touch: Not so much the sexual sense… but more on hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, a peck on the forehead etc.

3) Receiving Gifts: This is not about being materialistic, but it is about appreciating the thoughtfulness behind the gift.

4) Quality Time: This is about being there, and giving undivided attention to your partner.

5) Acts of Service: Helping to take on the ‘burden of responsibilities’. Vacuuming can be a show of love! 🙂

Hence, Jamie and I also decided to find out what our respective love languages are. And I tell you, it is rather amazing how you can dramatically improve your relationship with a person if you know what their love languages are!

Before we go into that, let me share with you about a woman whom I met last month during the Abundant Women Power Talk!

While I was sharing, I realised that a middle aged lady walked quietly into the room and took a seat at the back. And at the end of my talk, she came up to me and told me that she actually did not register for the talk at all. But because she was at the administration office to finish up some paperwork, the admin person told her about the talk, and she decided to come by.

And she told me,

“Violet, I am so glad that I have walked into your talk!”

During my talk, I shared some of my personal experiences about how gender differences and love languages can impact on a relationship. She shared that I have helped to shed some light on her marriage of close to 30 years.

From her sharing, her love language is probably quality time. But her husband’s love language is acts of service and receiving gifts. So when her husband shows her love by his actions and gifts, it just does not register that he is showing her love.  What SHE wanted him to do is to… spend more time with her. And when he does not, she just feels that he does not love her.

After she heard my sharing on the love languages, she actually said,

“Oh no! My poor husband must be feeling rather unloved all these years!”

Unfortunately, everyday conflicts and unhappiness often occur when the couple does not understand each other’s love language.

One of my girl friends shared with me that she thinks that her husband does not love her. Based on my analysis, her love language is words of affirmation and her husband’s love language is acts of service. (Seems like many men have acts of service as their love language!) So to cut the long story short, her husband does not always say “I love you!” but he tries to demonstrate his love by doing things for her like cleaning the toilet etc. But, she does not understand that he is trying to say “I love you!” And she will comment on how he can do the job better… Err, recipe for argument? Definitely!

I share with my friend on what I know about the 5 love languages, and hopefully this can help her to minimize and diffuse potential conflicts between her hubby and her.

So anyway, back to Jamie and I. After doing the test, we realised that we have a completely different set of love languages! Yes, we were pretty shocked! Hence now, I understand why when he says something or does not do something, I will get terribly upset. And I also understand why he does certain things, and I am starting to appreciate those things more because… THAT is his way of showing me that he loves me!

By a simple act of incorporating some of these elements into our daily life i.e. demonstrating love not only in our own love language, but in our partner’s or our family member’s love language, we can immediately improve the quality of our relationships! 🙂

So, what is your love language?

***

Want to know what your love languages are? Do the quiz here!

Want to learn more about the 5 love languages? Read more here…

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Turning 30…

A couple of days ago, I turned 30.

Strange enough, I have been looking forward to this day. Because my real age has finally caught up with how old people think I am. I know, it is bizarre right? I apparently look so old that since like 4-5 years ago, people think that I am 30+. Sob sob. I remember a few years ago when I was 25, a newspaper article actually quoted that I am 35! Aiks!

On a more serious note. When I turned 30, I took time to take stock of my life thus far.

I feel extremely thankful and blessed.

My dearest hubby Jamie threw me a surprise birthday party in Malaysia among my dearest and closest family and friends. (I must admit that it wasn’t as much a surprise as he wanted it to be since he had my mum as an accomplice! Haha! My mum kept asking me questions about the party?!) But I was really surprised by the big group of people that he managed to gather, and of course, really surprised by his poem recitation! It was really funny, because at first he told me the poem was… “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I don’t know what happened, but I love you…!” I was like… err… but the actual poem was a really meaningful poem about growing old together.

People often tell me how lucky I am to have such a sweet and romantic husband. I am extremely thankful for my hubby who has been very supportive of all my endeavors throughout the years. And I would like to take this opportunity once more to thank him again.

J, thank you for loving me! Especially during times when I am not so ‘lovable’.

I am thankful for my 2 beautiful children. I guess all parents think that their children are beautiful. Haha! 🙂 Knowing that many of our friends are finding it hard to conceive despite being healthy young adults, I know our children are our little miracles, as I actually have endometriosis, a condition that affects fertility rate by 40%.

And my parents. Who have been extremely self-sacrificing and supportive of Jamie and myself. Even though they have been quite shocked by their crazy daughter on several occasions, one being when I told them I am quiting my cushy job to be a… matchmaker! They have recovered to be our biggest and most ardent supporters. I love you, pa and mi!

On some days when things are not going that well, I will sometimes question my choice of career path.

Have I had doubts? Of course I have. I am only human. 🙂 Strange as it might sound, being a matchmaker can sometimes be quite a thankless job. But of course, I am very thankful for the clients who appreciate us for our efforts.

Taken in 2005, a much slimmer and younger version of me 🙂

On my 30th birthday, surrounded by my family, relatives and friends, I am once again reminded that God must has given me all these blessings for a reason and a purpose. To steer me on a mission to help more singles out there to find happiness… to be, meet and choose the right person.

A HK journalist asked me recently, “It is not easy to matchmake, or to help people get married, what motivates you?”

My reply was… Step by step, one at a time. 🙂

My dearest readers and friends… thank you very much for your love and support all these years! Reading your comments, or knowing that you like the blog post always put a smile to my face!

As I turn 30, I will charge ahead (b)older and wiser, with renewed hope and vigour! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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“My boyfriend has a change of heart…”

Hi Violet,

I came across your blog as I am desperately looking for an answer.  So here’s my story.  My boyfriend and I met at work.  He has recently returned to Singapore while I am staying behind in Hong Kong.  We have been having a long distance relationship for the past six months.  Everything was going very well in spite of the distance.  We were very close and talk to each other often.  We have even made marriage plans for the near future. Then about a month ago, everything changed literally overnight. He refused to talk to me after a minor argument which we could easily work out as a mature couple.  He told me to give him some time which I did.  And a week ago, he decided that we are no long compatible.  Violet, this is very hard for me to believe because he had only reassured his commitment to our relationship just the night before the ‘fight’.  What do you think is going on?  I am heartbroken and devastated.  What is wrong here?  Please help!

-J

Dear J,

Thank you for your letter.

I understand that having invested so much love and time into your relationship with your boyfriend, let’s call him X, you must be really devastated and frustrated with the current situation.

Based on what you have told me, I can’t really point out what is going on because I do not know enough, and I do not know X’s version of the story.

What went wrong? The possibilities are endless. However, one thing I know for sure is… if X had a change of heart, this did not happen overnight. Like you say, you have been sustaining a long distance relationship for 6 months. Things might look well on the surface, but he might have had a tough time trying to keep the LDR going. And when you had that minor argument, however minor, for him, it is the breaking point. Or he might not see the relationship going anywhere as he’s in Singapore and you are in HK. And even though he really IS committed, he just does not see a future.

Bottom line is, there is no point for us to speculate. The best way to know what went wrong is to talk to him. See if there is anything you can both do to work things out.

If he is reluctant to talk, then just move on. There is no point trying to beg him to stay. The more you call him and SMS him, the more you will be seen as ‘lower value’ to him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, and work on being a better and stronger person. And by then who knows? He might be the one coming back to beg for your forgiveness. And it will then be up to you whether you still want him back.

I know things are not going to be easy. In these times, support from friends would be most important. Hang out with your girlfriends, take up a new hobby, go on a trip you have always wanted to go and eventually, you will meet someone who will cherish you for who you are. Jiayou!

Take care.

Love, Violet

Readers, please do feel free to chip in to help J out, thanks!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women

A while ago, I attended a relationship seminar. As part of my profession, I constantly go for seminars to learn from other experts. 🙂 And this time, it is a seminar by a couple – Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.

One of the most interesting takeaways I had from this particular seminar was…

Respect to Men is like what Love is to Women.

So what does that mean exactly?

A lot of times in a relationship… men and women have conflict… over money.

Especially when the man loses his job. Or the woman gets a pay rise, and now earns more than the man.

Sometimes, the woman loses respect for the man. She does not mean to. But we are so hardwired to think that the man is supposed to be the provider. He is supposed to bring back the bacon. And suddenly, when she becomes the main provider, the dynamics of the relationship begin to change.

Coming back to… Respect to a Man is what Love is to a Woman.

As a woman, we expect to be loved no matter what. We feel that we deserved to be loved by our man. No matter how good or bad we have been. It is supposed to be a given.

And hence, it is actually the same for a man. He expects to be respected no matter what. He does not need to earn it.

According to a research done by the Feldhahns, apparently, men are willing to leave a relationship if they felt they are constantly being disrespected, even though they knew for sure that their partners love them.

How does this apply to real life?

Was a speaker at a recent matchmaking seminar in Singapore. Was asked this question…

Violet, does a relationship work if the woman earns more than the man?

Actually, the crux of the matter here is not the salary. It is about each party playing their role. The woman can be the sole breadwinner, and the man can be a house husband and they still can be happy, if the woman shows the man that she respects him and his contribution to the family; and the man shows the woman love.

The problem is when the woman starts to resent the man for not bringing home the bacon, or start showing him contempt because she feels that he no longer deserves her respect.

In a relationship, it always takes two hands to clap. Respect and love come hand-in-hand. 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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A Heartwarming Note from a Reader!

Dear Readers,

I received a very heartwarming note on a Monday morning. It really instantly brightened up my day, and it was a great start to the week. It is from one of my LUNCH Actually clients who is also my blog reader. Have checked with her if it’s ok to publish her note in my blog, and she has given me permission… so here it is! 🙂

***

Hi Violet,

Firstly, just want to say that you and your team has done a great job in introducing men to me. Thank you so much! The men are mostly of pretty good quality, but I guess perhaps at times its really the chemistry that is lacking. Secondly, your blog has been really insightful, especially your tips on relationships.

Now for the good news – I got attached 2 weeks back! He is not from any agency but from my church. And it is a big surprise to me because when I first met him early last year, he was not exactly someone I would even consider. He did not meet any of my so-called criteria. I did not even want to talk to him or meet up with him. But as time went by, we got involved in religious activities together, then somehow started spending more time with each other, and before I knew it, we got together. It was a very natural progression, no fireworks or big drumrolls or whatnot, but we just became “inseparable”.

One of your recent posts struck me – it is true that sometimes you may state down whatever criteria you have, but at the end of the day, when you have found someone you can really communicate with, someone you can be totally comfortable with, and someone who shares your goals, visions and outlook in life, a lot of things really don’t matter. Like he doesn’t meet my height criteria, he’s not even Chinese, he’s not the high-flier I wanted, but yet with him, I can be totally myself. I can say what I want anytime I want, I can be totally outspoken and opinionated, I can tell him off, and he still accepts it. He is not the eloquent guy I wanted, but between both of us, we can talk non-stop, joke, make corny remarks and whatnot.

So at the end of the day, I believe once we’ve found a companion, all other “criteria” really don’t matter. What’s important is looking towards the same direction and how both get along with each other. Having said that, things look rather promising for this relationship, so I would like to put my membership on hold for now. Once again, thanks so much for the great job you’ve been doing!

Best Regards,
Celia

Her advice to all of you out there who’s looking for love is, “…not to write anyone off just because the other party may not be “fitting” at first instance. I’m glad I didn’t in the end!”

So, never give up and keep an open mind! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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What is your Dating Mission Statement?

When meeting up with potential clients, I will ask them what they are looking for in a potential partner.

Must be attractive. Big eyes. Slim.

Tall, broad shoulders, extroverted, must make me laugh.

These are just some examples of basic dating preferences.

Many a times, when singles list down their ‘I-Want’ list, it is based on things that would spark off infatuation, or chemistry. The things that make our hearts race.

However, the truth of the matter is, infatuation lasts, on average, 3 to 12 months. When the chemical reaction in our brain subsides after a year or so, you begin to see your partner in a different light. All of a sudden, the things you used to think was really endearing becomes really annoying.

And you suddenly realise that you do not even know this person. You have nothing in common. You have nothing to talk about.

People often say, it is different when you are looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend vs. when you are looking for a husband/wife. I believe that there is some truth to that.

When you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, we are looking for long term qualities.

For some, the question might be, “Is he reliable and dependable? Is he patient and kind?”

For others, it could be, “Would she be a supportive wife and a nurturing mother to our children?”

And a very important question to ask, “Do we get along well? Can I imagine him or her as my best friend?”

After all, a good marriage should be friendship on fire or friendship magnified.

What is your list of traits and characteristics that you want in your long-term partner? Most companies have a mission statement. Lunch Actually’s mission statement reads:

Lunch Actually exists to create a solution for single busy professionals who do not have the right environment to meet other like-minded people as a result of their busy and hectic work environment.

We believe that every individual deserves love, respect and companionship. Thus we strive to create supreme value and provide immaculate service to address the needs of the people we serve.

Jamie and I created this mission statement to remind ourselves why we started this business in the first place. Because in business and life, sometimes, you will lose your way. And you will forget, what was the purpose of it all?

Same with finding love.

What is your dating mission statement?

What are the traits you are looking for in your long-term partner? Ponder upon it. It would be even more powerful if you could write it down. Because along the way, you might be swayed by your biological and short-term needs. These short-term needs unfortunately do little to contribute to the success of a long-term relationship.

You might ask me at this point.

“Violet, why can’t we have it all? Someone who will fulfill our short-term biological needs as well as our long-term relationship needs. “

Of course that would be most ideal. But when we are searching for a partner, we make our choices, and others make their choices as well. He/she is your cup of tea, but you might not be theirs. And at the end of the day, do we want to be going around in circles and never meeting the right one, when the right one could be just right under our nose?

When I was looking for a potential partner, I thought I definitely wanted someone who is muscular, extroverted, and the life of the party. Those who know my hubby Jamie would know that he is anything but those criteria. I was looking out for my short-term biological needs when I put down those criteria. Muscular and well-built so I feel secure and protected. Extroverted would suggest that he’s fun to be with.

But when it comes down to it, all of these are not important because he might not be much of a talker in front of others, we can talk and talk and talk. 9 years after we first met, we still spend hours talking to each other every day. Does not matter he might not come across as the most witty and fun person, but we sure have lots of fun hanging out with each other.

And I am definitely very different from his initial list of ‘I-Want’. You can ask him to share them with you when you meet him.

So, what is your dating mission statement?

Are you looking for a short-term biological relationship?

Or someone whom you can share the rest of your life with?

Happy contemplating!

P/S For my readers who are already dating, or happily married, do you have any related stories to share?

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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ON AIR: Astro Wah Lai Toi’s Ladies Sdn Bhd

Last Saturday @ 10pm, I appeared on the TV program Ladies Sdn Bhd on Astro Wah Lai Toi.

The Trailer:

It was a really great filming experience for me even though I have done some other shoots in the past.

Part 1:

The filming was done at a brand new bungalow at Puchong. It’s absolutely beautiful! It has to be, as it costs a whopping RM3million! And of course, I got to meet up with the three wonderful hosts, the three ladies – Chui Ling, Lynn and Vivian. People often do not have good impression of celebrities/hosts etc., but they are really nice, funny and down-to-earth! I had a great time getting to know them on-screen and off-screen.

Part 2:

The only setback for me is that I look really ‘BIG’ because I did the shoot 3 weeks after I gave birth to Cara. That was sometime in May. Some friends were appalled that I ‘ran away’ from my confinement! But come to think about it, I do not regret having made the decision, as it was such good fun!

Part 3:

And to top it all off, this is the first shoot that I have been invited to that I actually got paid for! Haha! Feels good to earn my first pay check from TV!

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure! Did not manage to get a pic with Vivian as she had to rush off…

2009-05-02

And for those of you who know about me from the program, welcome to my blog!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn