Counting down to Valentine’s Day!

Dear Readers and Friends,
 
How are you? 🙂 Hope you have had a great start to the year so far! February is my favourite month of the year, because it's Chinese New Year, Valentine's day and my birthday all rolled into one! Thus, to make up for the fact that I have not been updating as much as I should, I have a treat for you this February! 🙂 
 
We are about 14 days away from Valentine's Day. So this year, we are going to do a Countdown to Valentine's Day series. Everyday, I will share on a topic or a subject that would be relevant to help you find love or at least widen your social circle this Valentine's season. 

So stay tuned! Subscribe to my newsletter to have the updates sent to you everyday! Happy Dating! 🙂
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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Do Average Joes Have It Better Than Gorgeous Hunks?

At the end of the day, there are no absolutes. Like I mentioned in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’, ‘Strange as it sounds, the reality is that plain Janes sometimes have it better.’ This is based on the premise that most plain Janes I have met are more realistic, reasonable and are more willing to compromise. Having said that, I have also met Plain Janes who are unwilling to compromise and I have met beautiful women who after a lot of experiences who are willing to compromise.

average JoeHence, the same applies to average Joes. There are average Joes that are realistic, reasonable, down-to-earth set of dating criteria and are more willing to compromise. At the same time, there are also average Joes who told me, “Violet, I know I am a 5, and I know you are matching me with a 5. But I want to be matched with a 10!”

Some men who are gorgeous and know it and when coupled with financial stability would sometimes suffer from what I call the ‘elevator syndrome’. When the go to the first floor, they met someone who’s pretty. They then wonder to themselves, I wonder if someone on the second floor would even be better. I want someone who’s pretty and smart. And there she was at the second floor. Then they would wonder if they can meet someone even ‘better’ on the third floor e.g. pretty, smart and curvy. So on and so forth.

As compared to the average Joes, who might know that they are not as good-looking or as suave or as confident, and are simply on the lookout for a kind and nurturing woman who would make a good wife. And once they have met her, they are more likely to settle down.

Men and women are different and hence when it comes to dating criteria, they are also looking out for different things. Just like some men will put women into two categories when it comes to dating and relationship i.e. the ‘wife material a.k.a. they will bring home to see mum type’ and the ‘short fling type’, often some women will also put men into two categories – ‘the provider’ and ‘the player’.

Having said that, there are average Joes who are average in their looks but have honed their ‘player’ skills and are able to attract women to them like bees to honey because they just know how to push the right buttons. There are also gorgeous hunks who are actually very down-to-earth and is a total sweetheart when it comes to love and is also a perfect gentleman.

‘Players’ need not necessarily be gorgeous hunks. Sometimes, they just portray a sense of coolness, a sense of confidence or even a sense of danger that appeal to women. They seem so in control and they just know what to say and do at the right time. And thus, women tend to be more attracted to ‘the player’ than ‘the provider’.

Many a times, women would go for ‘the player’ to only get burnt at the end of the day because ‘the player’ does not tend to want to settle down because he knows that he has a huge following and know he just know what to do to make girls fall for him. And thus, eventually women learn to see beyond the façade and to look out for things that matter – dependability, loyalty, sense of responsibility – criteria that would make a good companion, a good husband and a good father. Many of these characteristics actually describe ‘the provider’.

I think ultimately, if we are talking about having and sustaining a long term relationship, ‘the provider’ (which most of the time would be the dating strategy of the average Joes) will be the one who is the ultimate winner as compared to ‘the player’ who seems to get all the girls in the beginning. ‘The player’ will be the biggest loser because he will never be able to sustain a long term relationship even though he seems to be the one having all the fun at first.

When men are looking for the right one, looks and physical appearances tend to rank high because most men are very visual.

However, when women are looking for the right one, they tend to take a more overall approach. I am not saying that looks are not important to all women. However, most women also look out for other things such as financial stability, sense of humour, confidence etc. other than looks before they judge whether to take the relationship to the next level. Thus, looks is not the only thing that women are looking for. Smile

Of course, there are also women who shun gorgeous men. There are some lady clients that I have met who will say that, “Violet, please don’t introduce me to someone who’s too good-looking!” I think, in their mind, they are thinking that women will always be attracted to good-looking men and they do not want to have unnecessary competition in future.

But having said that, there are also women who say to me, “Violet, make sure you pick the best looking man for me, ok?” However, I would have to say, there are more women saying, “Violet, make sure you find me a good man who’s kind, confident and humorous!” rather than “Make sure you find me a good-looking man!” Smile

What do YOU think? Do you think gorgeous hunks have it better? Or average Joes? Share with us your comments!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Violet’s 3 Secrets to a Happy Marriage! (Part 3)

This is the 3rd and last part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series and click here to read the second part of this series.

Secret No. 3: Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

I am sure many of you who are based in Singapore would remember this TV ad – Beautifully Imperfect. If you cannot remember it, you can watch it here.

 

Many people go into marriage thinking everything will be perfect. Sometimes, I think it is bad that we try to make our wedding perfect. After such 'perfection', some people go into their marriage having an expectation that everything will be perfect and their marriage will be a bed of roses. But since we are humans, we can never be perfect. If two imperfect people come together, there are sure to be some imperfections along the way.

I love this story that my friend told me about her friend X. So what happened was, X kept trying to change her husband. Her husband had a bad habit of discarding his clothes on the floor after he takes them off. And this would really annoy her a lot. And they will end up quarreling. So after years of trying to change her husband, she finally decided to change herself. She decided to accept her husband for he is, and discarding his clothes on the floor is something that he will always do. It does not mean that he is a bad husband or a bad father. I thought that was pretty hilarious I first heard this story, or maybe it was because my friend was a really animated storyteller. As extreme as this story might sound, sometimes it is just as simple as that. 

Sometimes, we just need to embrace our partner's imperfections.

Back to me. I have so many flaws. I think if I were to write them all down, it's going to take up too much space. 🙂 And my hubby Jamie too has his little imperfections which I don't think would be nice for me to reveal in public space. 🙂 The way we have been able to live harmoniously, at least 90% of the time is to embrace these imperfections, and these imperfections will even grow on us.

Ok, I will let you in on a little secret. I drool when I sleep. YES, I DO! Some of you might be thinking… "EEEKKKSS!" I know, I know… I wish I could find a way to stop this. But apparently, it has to do with the structure of my mouth. Anyway, Jamie can either complain about how my drool is all over the pillows, or he could create a cute little pet name for me based on this imperfection. 🙂 I am sure you can guess what he did.

So here you have it, my 3 little secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Choosing the Right Mate

2. Agreeing on Money Matters Early

3. Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

If you are married, what are you own little secrets? Do share them with us! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Violet’s 3 Secrets to a Happy Marriage! (Part 2)

This is the 2nd part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series.

Secret No. 2: Agreeing on Money Matters Early

This might see like a very practical and non-love related issue, and you might seem surprise that this is my 2nd secret to a happy marriage. 🙂

But do you know that a frequent conflict over finances is a top predictor for divorce? Hence, after choosing the right mate, it is very important that you and your other half actually have very clear expectations about money matters. 

Even before I got married or met Jamie, I knew that when I get married, I would like for my husband and I to have combined finances. I think this has a lot to do with my upbringing. My parents both have their own small businesses. However, they pool all their resources together. I still can vividly remember that whenever my dad comes home with the money he has collected from his clients, he would pass all his money to my mum for safekeeping, and would only keep a small portion for his daily expenses. And I still can remember that when my dad and I go for movies together on Sundays, he would usually ask for money from my mum. For some men, they might be turned off by such a thought. But I knew the reason behind it. My dad knew that my mum was much better at accumulating and saving money. Thus, he passes all his money to her. Hence, even from my earliest memory, I do not recall my parents ever arguing about money, as everything is simply shared.

Therefore, when Jamie and I were dating, I shared with him my financial philosophy. He was rather shocked at first  I must say. But after understanding where I am coming from, the idea eventually grew on him and he eventually agreed to it. Hence, currently, all our accounts are joined. We pool all our resources together. And that is the reason, we do not argue about money. We do not need to decide on who pays for the meal, who pays for the housing installment, or who pays for the kids' education, or how much we have to put towards our joint account (should it be based on who earns more or should it be equal?)

What is his is mine, and what is mine is his. 

Is this something that works for everybody? Probably not.

But the point I am trying to get at is that,

It is very important that you talk about money and agree on certain guidelines before you get married.

Couples who attend pre-marriage counselling would have covered the topic of marriage and finance, but couples who do not attend pre-marriage courses might not really know what they getting themselves into. It is absolutely vital and important to understand each other's values when it comes to money.

Even if you and your partner have different values, it is good to know where both parties are coming from so you can think of ways to resolve potential problems before the problem becomes too big a problem to resolve.

(This is part 2 of a 3 part series. Sign up for my updates using the Subscribe Form on the left sidebar to be informed of the subsequent installments)

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Violet’s 3 Secrets to a Happy Marriage! (Part 1)

Jamie and I dated for 5 years before we tied the knot. And this year, we will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary! So all in all, we have been together for 10 years. I think this is definitely a momentous milestone for us.

Many friends have asked me, "Violet, what is the secret to a happy marriage? You and Jamie look happy all the time! What's your secret?"

Hence, I thought I would take this opportunity to share my 'secrets' with you! 🙂

Secret No 1: Choosing the Right Mate

This is the most crucial factor. Because if you choose the wrong person, it is going to be an uphill task trying to make things right subsequently in the marriage. If you choose the right person, you are 50% on your way!

Doesn't sound difficult does it? Choosing the right mate. The problem is, a lot of us are choosing based on the wrong criteria. I myself have been guilty of this. We make our 'list' and it usually includes superficial criteria such as 'height, body build, social status, educational level etc.' I understand that these criteria help with the filtering process, but more importantly, I challenge you to think of your criteria in a different way.

"Would having 'this quality' make a good husband/good wife and good dad/mum?"

So for example, if you are a lady, you would then ask, "Would he being 1.75m make him a good husband?"

Or if you are a guy, the question would be, "Would she being beautiful like a model make her a better mother?"

The next series of questions would be,

"Can you foresee yourself growing old with him/her? Can you imagine sitting side by side with him/her on a garden bench when both your hands and faces are wrinkled?"

I am sure when you enter a relationship, you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. If you cannot stomach the thought of spending the next 50 years with the same person, chances are, he/she is not the right person.

My third question to you is,

"Do you even like him/her? Is he/she your best friend? Are you able to share your deepest and darkest secrets with him/her? If given a choice, would you like to spend 24 hours/7 days a week with him/her?"

Jamie and I spend almost 24 hours with each other. We work together, and at work we sit opposite one another. We lunch together on most days if we do not have lunch appointments. He is my best friend. And every night, after we have put the kids to bed, we will wind down sitting on the sofa in our room, he with his hot chrysanthemum tea, and me with my hot green tea, just talking about our day, and planning for the next day.

I really do not understand people who leave work as early as possible in the morning, and go home as late as possible at night, not because they are fooling around outside, but they are trying to minimize spending too much time with their spouse. To me, that's just crazy. I understand that not every couple out there are as sticky as us. However, I think it is important that you actually like each other's company. Because if not, what is the point? Hence, it is so important to choose the right person, because when that happens, making your marriage work becomes much easier! 🙂 If you are looking to find your other half iMarriages is the place you should be looking. 

(This is part 1 of a 3 part series. Sign up for my updates using the Subscribe Form on the left sidebar to be informed of the subsequent installments)

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DAfG: 4 Signs that You Should De-clutter your Dating (Life)Style

DaFG=Dating Advice for Guys 🙂

Time flies. Before you know it, we are approaching the middle of 2010. And you think to yourself, where has the year gone? One of your New Year resolutions is to meet the girl of your dreams, and you do not seem to be getting anywhere. It is not that you are not meeting new people. You are! But… there’s always a “But”.

Here is a useful guide to look out for the 4 signs that indicate that you should really de-clutter your dating life and dating style before it is too late!

Sign #1: Your female friends and colleagues refuse to introduce their female friends to you.

You might read this and shrug. You might even laugh it off. But this is a rather telling sign. Do you know that the most preferred way for people to meet is through mutual friends? And it is also one of the most common methods that people meet their special someone. So if your network of female friends is writing you off from their books, do you know how much you are missing out on? My guess is the reason they are writing you off is they are rather put off by your behavior or your attitude towards dating.

What you can do: Therefore, rather than just laugh, ask them why. Why wouldn’t they introduce you to their female friends? It could be the way you dress. The way you talk. Or maybe just the way you treat them. You can get BIG insights to what you are doing wrong. Ask them how you could turn yourself around so that they feel you are introduction-worthy. Many guys make the mistake of boxing their female friends and colleagues as non-romantic interests; hence they do not need to make any extra effort with these female friends. Perhaps it’s time you readjust your classification. See them as your resource – people who could possibly introduce you to the girl of your dreams!

 

Sign #2: When you muster enough courage and walk across the room to approach a girl, you catch her giving her friend the ‘Oh no, not him!’ look.

 

We all know that look. It could be a crestfallen look, as they were hoping that it was your cute and eligible friend walking over. Or it could be a pitying look because they think you are way out of their league. If you are cast off even before you have struck up a conversation, chances are you have a presentation problem. You do not come across as confident or attractive enough. It could be your dressing, or your hairstyle, or your demeanor in general.

What you can do: Do a personal style assessment. If you have some spare cash, hire an image consultant. If not, gather a few friends and ask them to give you some brutally honest opinion on your physical outlook, your grooming and your dressing. Go to instash and get a grooming kit. Of course, gather friends whom you think have a better fashion sense than you. Most male magazines would have fashion tips. Look at what the latest trends are, and update your wardrobe and your style. A good haircut also makes a great difference!

Sign #3: Your dates never answer your phone calls or reply your SMSes after the first date.

You asked her out for a first date and she agreed. In your opinion, the date went well. She appeared attentive and interested. You thought you did all the right things. You try to impress her by telling her more about yourself. However, when you call her after that fateful date, she never returns your call, and she never replies to your SMSes. And you just don’t understand. Because you thought she was really keen. Well, chances are you are missing out on all the ‘small things’ that women find important. Or you might be overdoing some things.

What you can do: Do a date audit trail. Try to recall blow-by-blow what happened during the first date. Were you rude to the waiter? Did you talk too much about yourself that you come across as a bragger? Were you considerate and let her order first? Were you on time? Did you offer to pick up the tab? Did you offer to send her home, or at least walk her to the cab stand? Some of these things might seem insignificant to you. But like it or not, these actions can either help you gain extra brownie points or end your potential romance prematurely.

Sign #4: Your dates always eventually sheepishly ask you to introduce them to your seemingly more confident best friend. And they thank you for being such a nice guy.

You go on a few dates together, and in your opinion, things are going well. You are always thoughtful and courteous. You try to please her as much as you can. But somewhere in the 3rd or 4th date, she tells you that you are a really nice guy and they would love to be friends. You always end up in the ‘Friend Zone’.  There’s a Chinese saying, “If men are not ‘bad boys’, women would not love them.” The problem with being too nice is women would perceive that you are of a lower value, hence you are trying to bribe them. Women like men who are confident, who believe in themselves, who carry themselves well. And these are some qualities that the ‘bad boys’ possess.

What you can do: Stop trying to be a pleaser. It just does not work. Observe how your ‘bad boys’ friends behave around women. See how confident they are, and how women flock to them like moth to fire. I am not encouraging bad behavior, but I am encouraging you to be more decisive, to be more confident. Know what you want, and go out and get it. Women are attracted to men who are driven and ambitious.

You might see yourself in one of the four scenarios, or you might even see yourself in more than one category. One of the keys to being a successful dater is being aware of your strengths and your limitations, and work on improving your ‘inner game’.

Have fun taking stock of your dating lifestyle, and happy dating!

First appeared in New Man magazine, Malaysia.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DaFG: To be punctual or late on a first date?

A while ago, I was contacted by Munkysuperstar's Clicknetwork about one of their shows… Xiaxue's Guide to Life! I was like… wow! 🙂 I have been following Xiaxue's blog on and off for a while now. I am impressed by how she has built her blog and her brand. When I hear people saying, "Xiaxue is such a bimbo!" I will tell them, no bimbo will be able to garner such a big following. Do you know her daily readership is bigger than some monthly magazines? She might sometimes portray herself in a frivolous manner, but she's definitely a smart girl.

So anyway, they wanted to know if I wanted to teach Xiaxue (a.k.a. Wendy Cheng) to match-make. And I was of course I said yes!

I had a lot of fun at the shoot. Xiaxue and Gillian (owner and director @Munkysuperstar) were really nice and easy to work with. You can find some photos taken on site the shoot here.

They even found Xiaxue a 'client' to practise her skills on. The guy Terence is really sporting I thought. 

One of the advice that Xiaxue gave to Terence was that he should not arrive on time for a date. He should actually arrive late, because if he arrives early, the girl would think that he's too keen. And Terence was quite shocked with her advice. 🙂

This is a question that I get from many guys actually. Even from one of my previous posts, one reader asked,

hmm…. I've done the 3 items that Edwards has done but I'm still dateless…. on the other hand, I've seen man who do the exact opposite being more successful with ladies. So not really sure what works and what doesn't work.

The answer is… it really depends on the type of girls you are going for. And the type of guy you are.

For men who are going for women who receive more attention that she can handle, then of course, if you go with the plain vanilla approach all the time, it's going to fall flat. Just imagine this, you are a beautiful woman, and everywhere you go, heads will turn. You probably have people try to get your number and pick you up 5-10 times a day. Or even more! And when you do go on a date, most of the guys play the perfect gentleman and arrive punctually, presents in toll, waiting for your arrival. You have already come to expect it. It's boring.

So for a guy to grab her attention, what can he do? He has to do the exact opposite of what all the other men have been doing! By arriving late, he would have riled her up because in her mind she's thinking, "Who do you think you are? How dare you!" At the same time, there will be a tiny thought in her head, "This guy is different from the others. He dares to be late when coming on a date with me, could it be his 'market value' is actually higher than mine?"

However, for Terence, I believe that he's looking for someone who's down-to-earth and girl-next-door. Someone who probably would appreciate his punctuality and his chivalrous acts. By turning up late, he might actually put her off. Yes, she would also think, "Who do you think you are?" but more importantly, she would think, "He is not worth my time as he does not even bother to respect my time!"

So, to be punctual or late?

There's no right or wrong answer.

However, I do advice all my clients (male & female) to be punctual on their first dates, For me personally, I feel that it is only right that you respect other people's time. And if a guy is not going to be interested in me because I am punctual (because maybe being punctual, to him, it's a sign of desperation), then he is probably not the right fit for me!

Happy dating! 🙂

***

For those of you who have not had the chance the watch the video, here it is! 🙂

GTL EP75 Matchmaking from clicknetwork on Vimeo.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Nicholas Tse’s Love Philosophy |谢霆锋的爱情观

A couple of weeks ago, I read that HK superstars Nicholas Tse 谢霆锋 and Cecilia Cheung 张柏芝 have just welcomed their latest addition to the family. Now they are a happy family of 4.

I must say, Nicholas Tse has definitely surprised me repeatedly.

He has totally changed my initial opinion of him. When he first came onto the entertainment scene, I dismissed him very quickly as another 'bad boy'. He exemplifies all if not most of the 'bad boy' traits. Cocky, cool, good-looking, good with women. 

And when the scandal involving his wife Cecilia Cheung broke, I thought to myself, that's it… the marriage is probably over. With all the Chinese media blowing things out of proportion, and so much scrutiny surrounding his wife, someone like him probably would throw in the towel. I know, I know… I should not have been so quick to judge. And I must say, I have been humbled.

He supported her throughout the entire incident. He shielded her through the entire saga. He did not say much, but his actions speak louder than words. At her lowest point, he was her rock and refuge.

Later, when things have blown over, Cecilia revealed in a TV interview that she was so scared when she found out about the photos leak, as she knew that her photos would eventually surface. And when she told Nicholas, he just told her, "Don't worry, I am here." And when Nicholas was later interviewed about the saga, he said, "When I married her, I already know what sort of woman she was…" I am so touched by his words and his actions because he is so absolutely sure about his own choice and his own decision. And even though the saga might have made him 'lose face' which is such a big thing with Chinese culture, he was totally unfazed by it!

He surprised me a second time with his love philosophy 爱情观. I caught one of his more recent interviews with one of the China's TV stations, and when asked about his love philosophy, he said, there are 4 stages when it comes to love.

1. Passion 激情

2. Romance 爱情

3. Family Love 亲情

4. Friendship 友情

And these are the four components of love 感情. 

I am surprised not because there is anything wrong with what he has said. What he has said is what many relationship experts have been trying to share, but I just did not expect an artist, needless to say superstar like him to think that way! We often read about break-ups and divorces in the entertainment world especially Hollywood. And the reason is simple, as many of these relationships do not go past the first stage – Passion. I always describe passion like fireworks. It's absolutely beautiful, but it's also short-lived and it will fizzle out eventually. 

I really liked what he said about the 4th stage. He said eventually, as the children grow, and you become old, it will turn into friendship. And at this point, some of the audience probably have expressions of disbelief, and the host told them to give him a chance to explain, since he is a 'person of experience'.

He said, ultimately, we are all looking for a companion.

I think many people usually miss this point. They don't understand that passion and romance do not last forever. So they choose their mate just based on the first two stages. And when they move on to the third and the fourth phase, the cracks start to show, because they are just simply not compatible. They have nothing to talk about. They actually do not even enjoy each other's company! I have heard of quite a lot of husbands or wives staying out as late as possible, or leaving the house as early as possible, as they want to spend as little time as possible with their spouse. 

It is really wonderful that Nicholas Tse is sharing his love philosophy. My hope is that more of his impressionable fans would listen to him and subscribe to his philosophy.

Maybe Nic would succeed where many relationship gurus have failed. 🙂

Nic shares his love philosophy: http://www.56.com/u52/v_NDIwOTEyMzM.html

Latest update 23 August 2011: Just heard the latest news. Nicholas and Cecilia have just finalized their divorce terms. At the end of the day, having a great love philosophy is not enough. Ultimately, there must be constant communication and constant compromise. Good luck to both of them, and hopefully, one day, they will find their one true love.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DaFG: Date Like a Pro… Learn from Twilight’s Edward Cullen!

Edward Cullen? Edward who?Those of you who are currently dating or married probably know which Edward I am talking about… because your girlfriends or wives cannot stop telling you about him. For those of you who don’t, don’t worry, I will fill you in. 

Edward Cullen is the male lead in the Twilight saga, which started off as teen fiction, and now brought to life in the big screen. Ever since the first movie ‘Twilight’ was released, Edward has won thousands if not millions of girls and women over. Teenage girls and their mothers alike are crazy about him.

Why? You wonder… Well, because he is every girl’s dream guy. He’s the ‘perfect guy’. Well, he’s actually a vampire. Anyway, that’s another story altogether. So here goes… he’s tall, handsome, mysterious, dreamy eyes and sensitive, you get the drift.

Before you dismiss him as another F4 boy, he has the strength of a superhero. He is super strong. He can block a truck coming your way at 100km/hour with one hand. He is smart and well-read. And he plays the piano. Yes, my friends, he has the entire package. Luckily for you guys, he’s fictional! J

However, there are a few things that you can learn from Edward to make you a super date yourself.

  1. Edward is always polite and courteous. Edward comes from the 19th century; hence he’s a perfect gentleman. He opens the car doors for her. He is polite to all the waiting staff when they go to restaurants. He is sweet to her friends. Even though her father does not treat him in the nicest nor friendliest manner, he is always gracious and polite and never loses his cool. Takeaway point: Want to score brownie points? Stop acting all macho in front of her friends. Be nice to them, and earn their approval. Meeting her parents? Impress them with your impeccable manners. And treat her like a lady. Forget the gender equality. When it comes to dating, a lady wants to be pampered and looked after. Full stop.
  1. Edward always puts her needs first. Well, as I mentioned earlier, Edward is a vampire. And his lady love Bella is a human. Even though he really loves her, he is constantly tempted to quench his thirst. And the smell of blood is so, so tempting. So whenever he is with her, he always has to restrain himself from biting her even though his entire physique is saying… Bite her!!! Takeaway point: The next time she wants to go shopping and you wish you could just laze in front of the TV, instead of dragging your feet, surprise her by being an enthusiastic shopping partner. She would be extremely delighted to know that you adore her enough to put her needs before yours.

  1. Edward is always there. Yes, he is ALWAYS there. Even when she’s sleeping! As you know vampires do not sleep at night. In Edward’s case, he does not sleep ever. Anyway, when she sleeps, he lies beside her and watch her sleep. Yes, I am not kidding. So when she wakes up, he’s always the first thing she sees. Takeaway point: Ok, I know some of you will be gagging now. J But you know what, women like their men to be there for them. Not necessarily watching them sleep, but knowing that they can count on you and rely on you. And you will be there for them no matter what.

Try out these new 'tricks', and I am sure your date or your girlfriend will be extremely impressed with the ‘new’ you!

Happy dating!

Article first appeared in New Man, Malaysia.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DaFG: How ‘Not’ to Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is around the corner!

Is your sweetheart already giving you hints of what she wants as her Valentine’s Day gift?

Or are you worried about how you are going to split yourself into two since Valentine’s Day also happens to fall on the first day of Chinese New Year!

Most guys I know usually do not look forward to this day. Why?

Probably because they have to buy expensive flowers and over-priced meals which one can get at half the price at any other day of the year. Instead of dreading another V-Day, why not celebrate V-Day with a twist this year?

Here are some alternative ideas to celebrate this year’s Valentine’s Day!

  1. Since Valentine’s Day also falls on the first day of Chinese New Year, take this opportunity to introduce your better half to your family and relatives, if you have not already done so. Trust me, to most women that would be a better gift than flowers, as it shows that you are serious about her. It is a form of affirmation of your love and commitment.
  2. Forget the overpriced and cliché Valentine’s Day Dinner set for two! Show off your culinary skills by cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Well, if you are not much of a cook, you can ‘da bao’ all her various favourite hawker fare, and give her a yummy surprise!
  3. Return to the scene where you first met or where you had your first date or even where you got engaged! Go back to where it all started! Sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane and routine day-to-day activities that we take each other for granted and forget what got us together in the first place.  This is a great way to go down memory lane and relive the memory.
  4. Volunteer together! Valentine’s Day is all about love, but it needs not be just about romantic love. Share the love this Valentine’s Day by going down to help out at the SPCA if both of you are pet lovers, and help out at the orphanage if you both love children. This is will definitely be more meaningful than splurging on yet another expensive meal.
  5. Write her a love letter. If you have watched Sex in the City: The Movie, you would know that women love to receive love letters. But unfortunately, in this day and age of emails and internet, one would be lucky to even receive a card. So, surprise her this year with a lengthy love letter documenting your love journey so far! And if you run out of ideas, you can always Google up “Love Letters of Great Men”.

Valentine’s Day needs not be a drag every year! Think out of the box, and inject some spontaneity and creativity, and I am sure you will sweep her off her feet!

Happy Dating!

Note: Article first appeared in New Man Malaysia Feb 2010

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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