Dating Reality

Valentine’s Day is around the corner!

Is your sweetheart already giving you hints of what she wants as her Valentine’s Day gift?

Or are you worried about how you are going to split yourself into two since Valentine’s Day also happens to fall on the first day of Chinese New Year!

Most guys I know usually do not look forward to this day. Why?

Probably because they have to buy expensive flowers and over-priced meals which one can get at half the price at any other day of the year. Instead of dreading another V-Day, why not celebrate V-Day with a twist this year?

Here are some alternative ideas to celebrate this year’s Valentine’s Day!

1. Since Valentine’s Day also falls on the first day of Chinese New Year, take this opportunity to introduce your better half to your family and relatives, if you have not already done so. Trust me, to most women that would be a better gift than flowers, as it shows that you are serious about her. It is a form of affirmation of your love and commitment.
2. Forget the overpriced and cliché Valentine’s Day Dinner set for two! Show off your culinary skills by cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Well, if you are not much of a cook, you can ‘da bao’ all her various favourite hawker fare, and give her a yummy surprise!
3. Return to the scene where you first met or where you had your first date or even where you got engaged! Go back to where it all started! Sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane and routine day-to-day activities that we take each other for granted and forget what got us together in the first place.  This is a great way to go down memory lane and relive the memory.
4. Volunteer together! Valentine’s Day is all about love, but it needs not be just about romantic love. Share the love this Valentine’s Day by going down to help out at the SPCA if both of you are pet lovers, and help out at the orphanage if you both love children. This is will definitely be more meaningful than splurging on yet another expensive meal.
5. Write her a love letter. If you have watched Sex in the City: The Movie, you would know that women love to receive love letters. But unfortunately, in this day and age of emails and internet, one would be lucky to even receive a card. So, surprise her this year with a lengthy love letter documenting your love journey so far! And if you run out of ideas, you can always Google up “Love Letters of Great Men”.

Valentine’s Day needs not be a drag every year! Think out of the box, and inject some spontaneity and creativity, and I am sure you will sweep her off her feet!

Happy Dating!

Note: Article first appeared in New Man Malaysia Feb 2010

One of my resolutions for this year is to update my blog once a week! So this is my first step…

Stepping into February (my favourite month because it’s V-Day, and it’s my month of birth ), I am having a good feeling about this year! Have met a lot of incredible, amazing and nice people in the last 30 odd days. Come to think about it… I have been extremely productive in the last 30 odd days (Pat pat myself on the back! Haha!)

Ok… on a more serious note, I feel truly blessed… I have learnt a lot from all the wonderful sharing – people sharing with me their life and business experiences.

It makes me start to ponder…

There are times in my life when I feel really down and depressed, and everything seem to be going wrong…

And there are times when everything seem to be smooth sailing, and I will be happy and upbeat…

The truth is… happiness is indeed a choice.

In our busy lives, many things happen in a day. Some might frustrate us, but some will make us smile. It is up to us to decide how we want to react, and how we want to make out of our day.

I realize that when I am less ‘neurotic’, I tend to have a better day. I don’t stress over the small things. I take joy in the little things. And I am thankful and grateful for the people around me, and their efforts.

I always tell my clients.

Success in dating is like anything else in life… it is about having an open mindset and a positive attitude.

People like to be around happy, positive and optimistic people. Because they hope that some of your happiness will rub off them! Nobody wants to be around a constantly frowning and scowling person. Or someone who just keep complaining about everything under the sun.

So, how is your day so far?

Good? Bad?

It is all about interpretation, and the attitude that we choose to adopt!

Have a happy day!

Some guys have asked me in the past what would make a perfect proposal… Here are my thoughts and views… those of you who are now happily engaged or married, please feel free to contribute your thoughts!

You have been dating for close to 2 years now. And things are going really well. She laughs at your jokes, even when most people think you are really corny. You are comfortable enough to fart in front of her, and she hardly cringes. She’s great with your dogs or your sister’s kids. You can totally imagine growing old with her, and being with her for the rest of your life.

Yes, you are ready to propose.

If you are tempted to just casually ask her to marry you over the phone when you next speak to her, I will stop you right there. A marriage proposal is something that your girl would take very seriously. And it is an occasion that friends and relatives would ask for details for years to come. “So how did he propose?” You do not want her to say, “Ah well, it was really boring. He asked me to marry him over the phone.”

You want to give her a proposal to remember – a proposal that she will be proud to tell over and over again, and each time she retells it, she will remember how much effort you have put into it, and how thoughtful you are, and how much you love her.

So, how do you go about it?

Here’s a 5-steps approach that would result in your perfect proposal!

Step 1: Telling her parents

If you have been dating seriously, chances are you would have met up with her parents. By informing them, you would have scored Brownie points, as her parents would be really impressed that they have such a sensitive future son-in-law. Some guys I know even involve her parents in the proposal process as the girl is really close to her parents. Of course, there would be exceptions. If your girlfriend is estranged from her parents, skip this step.

Step 2: Getting the ring

Some girls like to choose their own engagement rings, but I personally think that takes out the surprise element of the process. And it’s not as romantic. If you have previously spoken about marriage, then you probably would have a good idea of the type of ring that she likes. Or if not, enlist the help of her best friend or sister who usually would be more than happy to help you out.

Step 3: Thinking about the setting

Think about your girl’s personality. Would she prefer a more intimate setting, where there are just two of you? Or does she prefer to have an audience?  If she likes to have an audience, then indulge her, and give her a big one. Try to recall the proposals in movies that she said, “Aww… that’s so sweet!”

You could consider doing something totally out of the ordinary e.g. on a hot-air balloon, or on top of Mount Kinabalu if both of you are avid trekkers, or even proposing over the radio. Or you could surprise her in the course of a normal day. Like when she’s coming home from work, and when she opens the door, there you are, kneeling down on one knee with the ring, with flowers in the room. Or when you are at both your favourite restaurant and she finds the ring on the dessert platter.

The options are endless, and it is up to how creative and memorable you want to make it.

Step 4: Be formal

As you know, this scene is going to stay ingrained in her mind, and would be retold to friends, choose your words carefully. Do not trivialize it by saying, “So, wanna get married?” Stick to the traditional, “Will you marry me?” As for whether to bend down on one knee, this would depend on the setting. However, do consider whether to do it, especially if your girl is the more ‘old-fashioned’ or the ‘romantic’ type, as she may well be expecting it and would be utterly disappointed if you didn’t.

Step 5: Be prepared for her answer

If you have come to this stage, chances are you are quite sure that she’s going to say yes. But just in case, do prepare for the 0.001% chance that she might say no, or she needs to think about it.

And so if she’s says yes, rejoice with her! Dance with her. Hug her. Swirl her around. The worst thing that can happen at this juncture is an excited girl with a guy with a blank look on his face.

And finally, a word of advice… when you are thinking about your proposal, stay true to your relationship and who you are. Remember the reason you are doing this – you are asking the woman you love for her hand. A proposal with ‘the full works’ might work for some relationships but for others, it might be the recital of a handwritten love poem or a song declaring your love.

I wish you luck and may your relationship be filled with much love, joy and laughter!

This article first appeared on New Man Magazine, Malaysia.

7 more hours, and we will be in 2010.

While the family sleeps, I am stealing some time to take stock of the year that is about to pass…

2009 is the year we welcome to our world our little princess Cara Krysania Lee. We wanted to name her Crysania Kara Lee, but nobody seemed to be able to pronounce her first name, and after she is borne, we felt that Cara suits her better. She’s a perfect little addition to our family. She’s demure and ladylike whilst Corum is loud and boisterous. She looks absolutely gorgeous in pink, and Mummy really enjoys dressing her up. Corum just turned 3 and is growing up well. He just said, “Mei-mei is the best sister ever! I love Mei-mei!” Daddy whispered to me, “But he only has one Mei-mei!” Oh well, it’s a good start…!

2009 is the year of travel. I have been travelling so frequently that sometimes I do not even bother to unpack. The worst travel stint was when I arrived back at Changi Airport at 12am, and I have to go back again at 6am. I have come to the conclusion that unless you are flying business class, business travel is so NOT glamorous!

2009 is the year my best friend Tsiao Yi got married to her university sweetheart Tow. And I was the matron of honour. The reason I flew across the globe to attend her wedding having only delivered a baby 6 weeks earlier and amidst the height of the H1N1 flu scare (other than she’s my best friend), is because I wanted to support them in their journey of love. Tow is battling cancer, and he’s in an advanced stage. Some people might think it’s crazy that they are even contemplating marriage but the love that they share is so pure, so sincere, so true that I wanted to be part of their beautiful wedding tapestry.

2009 is the year that Jamie and I got baptized. For myself personally, I seemed to have played a game of hide and seek with God in the last 20 years. And finally in 2009, I have found my way home.

2009 has been an extremely tiring year on the business front. I feel that I have been fire-fighting most of the time. And being an entrepreneur of 5 years, thinking I am no longer a ‘greenhorn’, I was not prepared for it. Especially since I was heavily pregnant with Cara… But I honestly believe that God will never throw you something that He thinks you cannot handle… We had to make some tough decisions. It was not easy but hurdle after hurdle, challenge after challenge, obstacle after obstacle, Jamie and I overcame them.

2009 is a year of reflection. I wondered if what I am doing is enough to help singles out there find love. Sometimes, it seems like such an uphill task…. A drop of water in the vast ocean.

As professionals and executives, we all have our criteria and preferences. We all believe ourselves to have attained a certain status in life and we have the right to demand and expect. It’s only normal.

So, it is so difficult to share with singles to look beyond the façade, to see beyond the superficial attributes, to ask yourself does that quality really matter when I am old and wrinkled… Hence, I am so heartened to know that one of my readers have actually stepped out of her comfort zone and she is now happily seeing someone whom she would in the past never consider.

That gave me a glimpse of hope that I am actually heading in the right direction. This year, I have started running my workshop for single ladies again, sharing with them on how to be, meet and choose the right one. Men, don’t worry… I am not trying to leave you out, but for now, my focus is on the fairer sex.

A big thank you to my team at Lunch Actually and Eteract. You ladies and guys have worked so very hard. Jamie and I really appreciate your effort, your loyalty and your dedication.

To my ‘Ba’ and ‘Mi’, I do not know what I will do without your selfless and tireless love.

To my parents in law, thank you so much for your time and your love for us and our two children.

To my dearest girlfriends and guyfriends, thank you for keeping me grounded and sane… as I will always be Yan when I am with you.

And to my dearest hubby, we have been through this very eventful year together. It wasn’t all rosy. But just like our wedding vows, “in good times and in bad times, when life seems easy and when life throws us challenges and difficult decisions…” WE MADE IT! And we have come out of it stronger! Thank you for being my anchor, my rock, my pillar of strength. I love you!

As the curtains fall, I bid 2009 a bittersweet farewell. It has not been easy, but there have been many beautiful rainbows that made up for the heavy storms. And… there are hopeful glimpses of what the future holds.

My dearest readers, Happy New Year!

Dear Readers,

I received a very heartwarming note on a Monday morning. It really instantly brightened up my day, and it was a great start to the week. It is from one of my LUNCH Actually clients who is also my blog reader. Have checked with her if it’s ok to publish her note in my blog, and she has given me permission… so here it is!

***

Hi Violet,

Firstly, just want to say that you and your team has done a great job in introducing men to me. Thank you so much! The men are mostly of pretty good quality, but I guess perhaps at times its really the chemistry that is lacking. Secondly, your blog has been really insightful, especially your tips on relationships.

Now for the good news – I got attached 2 weeks back! He is not from any agency but from my church. And it is a big surprise to me because when I first met him early last year, he was not exactly someone I would even consider. He did not meet any of my so-called criteria. I did not even want to talk to him or meet up with him. But as time went by, we got involved in religious activities together, then somehow started spending more time with each other, and before I knew it, we got together. It was a very natural progression, no fireworks or big drumrolls or whatnot, but we just became “inseparable”.

One of your recent posts struck me – it is true that sometimes you may state down whatever criteria you have, but at the end of the day, when you have found someone you can really communicate with, someone you can be totally comfortable with, and someone who shares your goals, visions and outlook in life, a lot of things really don’t matter. Like he doesn’t meet my height criteria, he’s not even Chinese, he’s not the high-flier I wanted, but yet with him, I can be totally myself. I can say what I want anytime I want, I can be totally outspoken and opinionated, I can tell him off, and he still accepts it. He is not the eloquent guy I wanted, but between both of us, we can talk non-stop, joke, make corny remarks and whatnot.

So at the end of the day, I believe once we’ve found a companion, all other “criteria” really don’t matter. What’s important is looking towards the same direction and how both get along with each other. Having said that, things look rather promising for this relationship, so I would like to put my membership on hold for now. Once again, thanks so much for the great job you’ve been doing!

Best Regards,
Celia

Her advice to all of you out there who’s looking for love is, “…not to write anyone off just because the other party may not be “fitting” at first instance. I’m glad I didn’t in the end!”

So, never give up and keep an open mind!

When meeting up with potential clients, I will ask them what they are looking for in a potential partner.

Must be attractive. Big eyes. Slim.

Tall, broad shoulders, extroverted, must make me laugh.

These are just some examples of basic dating preferences.

Many a times, when singles list down their ‘I-Want’ list, it is based on things that would spark off infatuation, or chemistry. The things that make our hearts race.

However, the truth of the matter is, infatuation lasts, on average, 3 to 12 months. When the chemical reaction in our brain subsides after a year or so, you begin to see your partner in a different light. All of a sudden, the things you used to think was really endearing becomes really annoying.

And you suddenly realise that you do not even know this person. You have nothing in common. You have nothing to talk about.

People often say, it is different when you are looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend vs. when you are looking for a husband/wife. I believe that there is some truth to that.

When you are looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, we are looking for long term qualities.

For some, the question might be, “Is he reliable and dependable? Is he patient and kind?”

For others, it could be, “Would she be a supportive wife and a nurturing mother to our children?”

And a very important question to ask, “Do we get along well? Can I imagine him or her as my best friend?”

After all, a good marriage should be friendship on fire or friendship magnified.

What is your list of traits and characteristics that you want in your long-term partner? Most companies have a mission statement. Lunch Actually’s mission statement reads:

Lunch Actually exists to create a solution for single busy professionals who do not have the right environment to meet other like-minded people as a result of their busy and hectic work environment.

We believe that every individual deserves love, respect and companionship. Thus we strive to create supreme value and provide immaculate service to address the needs of the people we serve.

Jamie and I created this mission statement to remind ourselves why we started this business in the first place. Because in business and life, sometimes, you will lose your way. And you will forget, what was the purpose of it all?

Same with finding love.

What is your dating mission statement?

What are the traits you are looking for in your long-term partner? Ponder upon it. It would be even more powerful if you could write it down. Because along the way, you might be swayed by your biological and short-term needs. These short-term needs unfortunately do little to contribute to the success of a long-term relationship.

You might ask me at this point.

“Violet, why can’t we have it all? Someone who will fulfill our short-term biological needs as well as our long-term relationship needs. “

Of course that would be most ideal. But when we are searching for a partner, we make our choices, and others make their choices as well. He/she is your cup of tea, but you might not be theirs. And at the end of the day, do we want to be going around in circles and never meeting the right one, when the right one could be just right under our nose?

When I was looking for a potential partner, I thought I definitely wanted someone who is muscular, extroverted, and the life of the party. Those who know my hubby Jamie would know that he is anything but those criteria. I was looking out for my short-term biological needs when I put down those criteria. Muscular and well-built so I feel secure and protected. Extroverted would suggest that he’s fun to be with.

But when it comes down to it, all of these are not important because he might not be much of a talker in front of others, we can talk and talk and talk. 9 years after we first met, we still spend hours talking to each other every day. Does not matter he might not come across as the most witty and fun person, but we sure have lots of fun hanging out with each other.

And I am definitely very different from his initial list of ‘I-Want’. You can ask him to share them with you when you meet him.

So, what is your dating mission statement?

Are you looking for a short-term biological relationship?

Or someone whom you can share the rest of your life with?

Happy contemplating!

P/S For my readers who are already dating, or happily married, do you have any related stories to share?

Having a chat with hubby just before we go to bed. And we were talking about what some singles are looking for. And sometimes, why some singles have so much difficulty finding love even though they keep searching for it.

Hubby said,

“What they are looking for is happiness…”

“Yes, I agree…” I quipped.

“Maybe you should tell them that sometimes, happiness does not come in 1.75m.”

Often, many of us girls are wired to look for the perfect package. Tall, handsome, witty, charming, sense of humour, confident…

But when it comes down to it, does it really matter how tall he is, or how witty and charming he is if you cannot find happiness with him?

Happiness can be lurking around the corner, and sometimes, it comes in the most unassuming of “packages”.

Last Saturday @ 10pm, I appeared on the TV program Ladies Sdn Bhd on Astro Wah Lai Toi.

The Trailer:

It was a really great filming experience for me even though I have done some other shoots in the past.

Part 1:

The filming was done at a brand new bungalow at Puchong. It’s absolutely beautiful! It has to be, as it costs a whopping RM3million! And of course, I got to meet up with the three wonderful hosts, the three ladies – Chui Ling, Lynn and Vivian. People often do not have good impression of celebrities/hosts etc., but they are really nice, funny and down-to-earth! I had a great time getting to know them on-screen and off-screen.

Part 2:

The only setback for me is that I look really ‘BIG’ because I did the shoot 3 weeks after I gave birth to Cara. That was sometime in May. Some friends were appalled that I ‘ran away’ from my confinement! But come to think about it, I do not regret having made the decision, as it was such good fun!

Part 3:

And to top it all off, this is the first shoot that I have been invited to that I actually got paid for! Haha! Feels good to earn my first pay check from TV!

Here are some photos for your viewing pleasure! Did not manage to get a pic with Vivian as she had to rush off…

And for those of you who know about me from the program, welcome to my blog!

Have you watched Transformers 2?

Apart from the big machine slugfest, one of the highlights of the Hollywood movie is of course the love story between the two leads. And in the sequel, the guy and the girl are bickering over who should say I love you first. Both sides are not willing to say it before hearing it from the other person.

Hence, one of the questions that people ask when they are in a relationship…

“Who should say ‘I love you’ first? The guy or the girl?”

Many guys and gals are worried about being the first to say ‘I love you’. Because..

• they do not want to lose face, just in case the other person does not feel the same.
• they do not want to jump the gun, because it might be too early in the relationship.
• they are worried that they will lose the upper hand in the relationship.

The reasons are endless.

I think there is no hard or fast rule to it.

And sometimes, one party just has to take the risk. Afterall, not everything in life is about ‘face’. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is going to perceive you differently just because you are the first to say ‘I love you’, then he or she is probably not worth your time. Frankly, I will be really flattered if my guy has the courage to tell me he loves me, and not worried of coming across as not being macho enough.

Of course, there is a time and place for everything. If a guy tells me he loves me on a first date, I would really freak out.

At the end of the day, just do what feels right for YOU. Do not play mind games.

Because after all, you do not want to be like the guy and gal in Transformers 2. Uttering the 3 little words only after almost going through the valley of death!

P/S: Want to be informed when I update my blog? Remember to subscribe using the subscibe box on the left sidebar!

SINGAPORE: Man – with a few grey hairs – meets woman. But instead of asking for her number, quietly hopes to see her at the next social gathering.

Welcome to the world of dating for singles over 40, where the norm is intense rumination instead of a headlong plunge into a relationship. read more

Violet’s Comments: Read this rather interesting article in today’s TODAY newspaper. Think it’s really heartening to know that this lady Dr Liu has started a social club for singles who are over 40. Being in the dating industry for the last 5 years, I know that it is not easy for ladies over 40, and also men who are in their late 40s and 50s to meet like-minded singles. Especially when you are a divorcee with children. For singles over 40 who have been reading my blog, do check out Dr Liu’s site.

As a modern-day matchmaker, many single guys ask me the question “How can I get ladies to go out with me?”

As for the ladies, they often raise the question – “How can I get my guy to commit to me?”

For the guys who ask such a question, usually they are at a point where they have low confidence, because they have been rejected many times in the past, and are afraid of more rejections.

For the ladies, they probably have been going out with the guy for ages now only to feel that the relationship is going nowhere despite everything they have gone through together and the sacrifices she has made for him.

So the simple answer to these two questions “How can I get ladies to go out with me?” and “How can I make my guy commit to me?” in my humble opinion, is:

“You don’t”.

You can’t make them to suddenly decide to go out with you, or decide to commit to you. There is no magic potion out there that can make that happen. If I do have that magic potion, I would become an instant millionaire!

What you have to do is… simply become the man they WANT to go out with or the lady they WANT to commit to. It is a matter of switching your perspective and changing your perception.

It is difficult to “get” or “make” someone to do something for your benefit.

To get the results you want, you have to work on yourself. You have to be the type of man that women are attracted and are excited to go out on a date with. Or you have to be the right kind of lady that men cannot wait to commit to and never want to leave.

Many a times, nice guys get rejected not because they are nice. It is because they lack self-confidence when interacting with women. Instead of leading and being decisive, they ask permission for everything and they feel absolutely lucky when a lady shows them any attention at all. This kind of behaviour does not inspire any interest from the ladies.

For the ladies, they fear that by dropping hints or forcing the issue on their guy, they would chase the man away. Hence they hope and pray for the day the man would “realise” how well they have been treated and take action. They are unaware that the man has grown comfortable with the status quo and as the years go by, they do not see any reason to change the status quo as they are getting what they want out of a relationship anyway.

And for some ladies who come in the mould of the modern career woman, they sometimes bring their career mindset right into their relationships. They challenge every issue and they must always have the last say. Because this mindset and attitude work so well for them at work, they cannot shake it off when they are dating. I always tell our lady clients; please leave the fist-thumping at the boardroom! Because some of these ladies come across as so aggressive, when the men imagine their lives together, they see a marriage filled with disharmony and arguments. And this frankly will scare off most men.

The above examples might be stereotypical situations but they are actually very common issues faced by both men and women, especially in a world where gender roles are becoming more and more confused. There is an increasing frustration towards dating and relationships.

As Publius Ovidius Naso aptly said nearly 2000 years ago, “If you want to be loved, be lovable”.

Might seem passé, but it still rings true 2000 years later.

To enjoy the dating process, the focus should always be on the person you are and not the person you want the other person to be. We can only pray and hope that the other person will change. He might change, or he might not change. But with ourselves, if we put our minds to it, we can make those changes almost instantaneously!

Happy Dating!

I just went to ICA (Immigration Department) to renew my PR the other day. Time flies, doesn’t it? In a heartbeat, 5 years have gone by. Yet, when I went to ICA, I thought to myself, in the past 5 years, so many things have changed. When I first applied for my PR, I was still working at the bank. I was single and dating. And in 5 years, I am married, mother of a 2 years old. And running my own business with my husband.

Who would have thought? It’s quite funny meeting up with some old friends. People whom I have not met up for a long time. When I say, I am married… they are like, “Ok…” And along the conversation, when I brought up Babe, the look on their faces would be priceless… they are like, “What??? You have a kid?” and shake their heads in disbelief.

And to a certain extent, because of the rapid changes in my life, transitioning from a single, to being attached, to being married, to being a mother in a short period of time, I often find myself desperately grasping on ropes to learn and excel in these new roles… And to sometimes, I cannot jump right into the psyche of being single and searching.

Until a recent episode brought me back in time… to a decade or so ago.

Someone who’s close to me recently broke up with her boyfriend. And as I watched the entire episode unfolded in front of me, it reminded me of how devastating a breakup can be.

So, this letter is dedicated to my heartbroken friend, as well as any other readers out there who are nursing a heart break.

Dear X,

I know how you are feeling. Because I have been there.  Trust me.

I know there are many questions going in your mind right now. You thought that he loved you. He did proclaim his undying love to you didn’t he? “Why did he lie to me?” You are thinking. “How could I be so naïve? How could I believe him?” Every cell in your body is screaming!

When I went through my first break up… I thought I would die. I lost so much weight. Without even trying. I was the skinniest then in my whole entire adult life. My mum was so worried about me. Come to think about it, I feel really bad now making her worried about me so much.

Everything that I saw, hear, smelt , touched… reminded me of him. And I could be reduced to tears when ‘our song’ was played on the radio. And it was like my favourite radio station was conspiring against me. Every time I tuned in, it would be playing one of ‘our songs’. Tears would flow down my cheek when I am driving, and at times, I could even be sobbing uncontrollably. I even wore black for weeks, because I needed to mourn for a relationship which I thought would have lasted the test of time. I thought that he was the one. We made so many plans. How could he walk out of the relationship now? How could he be so cold and distant now?

I thought I will never love again. I thought I could never meet another person whom I could have a deep connection with.

This might sounds absolutely ‘cliché’, but time does heal.

I made new friends. I pursued new hobbies. I pulled myself up. And of course along the way, I did many silly things. Thinking of what I did then, I can’t help but cringe. But after a few months, I could listen to ‘our songs’ without crying. I could have a normal adult conversation with him, without feeling really crappy after that. Yes, like they say, as time went by, I moved on.

When I think of my ex now, I remember some good memories, some not so good memories. But everything seemed so far away. The word to describe it is probably… surreal. I know they happened, but it is as if they happened to another me. In another space.  Yet these experiences did shape me and mould me, and toughen me emotionally.

Dear X, I know it is very difficult to imagine yourself being in love again. You cannot imagine meeting another person whom you can laugh with, cry with, someone whom you can share your darkest secrets with, someone whom you think you can grow old with.

You cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe me… there is light… at the end of the tunnel.

Remember? I have been there, and I am a living testament of it.

If I have not been through my last relationships, I might not realize what a gem my hubby is when I met him. I might not have the emotional IQ to make our relationship work. I would have committed all those previous boo-boos I made in my previous relationships and wreck our relationship.

So, if you look at things from a different perspective… God is preparing us for the perfect mate.

If you need to, mourn a little. You need the time and space to heal. But do not stay there too long. There’s a beautiful world awaiting you out there…

Love, Violet

P/S: This song by A-Mei helped me heal during my breakup. I hope that it would help you as well. My favourite stanza translated into English…

“Breaking Free, is acknowledging that this relationship would not work out, I should not keep holding on

You have the freedom to go, I have the freedom to live my life happily…”

Was invited to be a panelist on a TV Forum on Channel News Asia – “Maybe Baby” recently.

And one of the issues brought up was… our guys could be more chivalrous, or ‘gentlemanly’. One lady related that there was a time she was about to walk through these glass doors carrying heavy bags, and nobody offered to keep the doors open for her. I can relate to these incidents. When I am overseas, and I am standing in an elevator, chances are one of the guys will keep the doors open, and wait for me to walk out first. It rarely happens in Singapore or Malaysia for that matter.

Actually, I don’t think that our guys are less nice compared to their overseas counterparts. It is a lot more about awareness. Sometimes, they are just not aware of the social etiquette that is expected of them. Or maybe they grew up in a very MCP environment where the mother waits on the father. Or maybe they are confused. Since we women have been asking for sexual equality. I think our guys definitely will be more chivalrous if they made aware of what the ladies are looking out for.

Just to give you an example, my personal story. My dad has always made it a point to walk on the side of the road where the traffic is coming from. When I first started going out with my hubby, I realised that he does not do that all the time. I pointed it out to him, and ever since, he has always made the effort to switch sides with me.

During the forum, one of the other panelists voiced her opinion on this issue. I am paraphrasing her. I cannot remember her exact words. She said that what should really matter is not whether he opens the door for you, but whether he stays up with you through the night when your child is sick. All these so-called chivalrous acts like opening the door and pulling out the chair are just scratching the surface. I definitely understand where she is coming from.

But there is a big problem.

Nowadays, when people date, they do not have the opportunity to delve deeper to know whether the guy will stay up through the night to look after the baby. You probably only have the luxury if you get to know the guy from school/university where you can observe through various activities. Or maybe, if you have met through a charity activity.

Nowadays, ladies can only observe the things that the guys do OR don’t do during the date. And from them deduce whether they would like to meet him again for a second date. One of my clients used to wear slippers to his dates. He definitely is the type of guy that would stay up for the baby. But most ladies would already be put off by his sloppy dressing on the first date! Never mind wanting to get to know him better! Luckily, after our ‘coaching’, he dressed better for his dates, and he is now happily married.

Ladies, what do you think? Do chivalrous acts matter?

Did I tell you that I have been invited to another wedding recently? Two of our clients got married.

And it was a real grand affair. It was held at one of the poshest (is there such a word?) hotel in Singapore. And we are reallly happy for them, because they are such nice people, and as time goes by, we have actually become friends.

What struck me as really interesting at this particular client’s wedding is this…

Usually, when I go for client’s wedding, I will always keep a low profile. I will avoid speaking to people on my table. Or even when they make small talk, I will reply very politely, and not seek to prolong the conversation. The reason is very simple. I do not want to tell people that I am a matchmaker, or I run a dating service, and risk them drawing the direct conclusion that the couple met through us. Our clients usually prefer for people not to know how they actually meet, and I respect their decision. It is not my place to ’advertise’ or ‘market’ our business. We are happy to just be there to bask in their happiness and their joy.

I always joke about it with Jamie… if people ask… I will say I am a housewife, and he will say that he is in the IT business. 

So anyway, back to this particular wedding dinner. Right at the start of the wedding dinner, the groom came over to the table and say… “I put you guys at this table because I think you guys are of the same wavelength and will be able to do some networking as well,” and I politely smiled. And he proceeded to say, “Please meet Jamie and Violet, they run a very successful dating agency, Lunch Actually!” And my smile froze, not knowing how to react. He introduced the rest, and then left to entertain his other guests. I was very worried during the entire dinner that people at my table were going to ask the question…

“So… did they meet through you guys?”

And it did not help that one of the groom’s friend on our table actually knew that the bride and groom met through us. And kept saying things like… “So Violet, I am sure you are invited to many wedding dinners?” And gave me this knowing smile. I really felt like throwing Fried Rice at him.

But you know what was the most amazing thing?

Nobody on the table even suspected. Not one.

And then I suddenly realised why.

Because the bride and the groom are so eligible. The bride is beautiful. She’s definitely someone you would classify as above average, if not gorgeous. Someone that guys would definitely look twice. And the groom is successful and talented.

And that was the reason, that it never come across anybody’s mind that they actually met through a dating service.

Because people always have the impression that people who go to dating services are ’single, desperate and ugly!’

And this couple is definitely far from being ’single, desperate and ugly’.

I just thought that was quite an interesting experience. And perhaps from now on, I can stop saying that I am a housewife, even though that is my secret ambition… haha!