Do Average Joes Have It Better Than Gorgeous Hunks?

At the end of the day, there are no absolutes. Like I mentioned in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’, ‘Strange as it sounds, the reality is that plain Janes sometimes have it better.’ This is based on the premise that most plain Janes I have met are more realistic, reasonable and are more willing to compromise. Having said that, I have also met Plain Janes who are unwilling to compromise and I have met beautiful women who after a lot of experiences who are willing to compromise.

average JoeHence, the same applies to average Joes. There are average Joes that are realistic, reasonable, down-to-earth set of dating criteria and are more willing to compromise. At the same time, there are also average Joes who told me, “Violet, I know I am a 5, and I know you are matching me with a 5. But I want to be matched with a 10!”

Some men who are gorgeous and know it and when coupled with financial stability would sometimes suffer from what I call the ‘elevator syndrome’. When the go to the first floor, they met someone who’s pretty. They then wonder to themselves, I wonder if someone on the second floor would even be better. I want someone who’s pretty and smart. And there she was at the second floor. Then they would wonder if they can meet someone even ‘better’ on the third floor e.g. pretty, smart and curvy. So on and so forth.

As compared to the average Joes, who might know that they are not as good-looking or as suave or as confident, and are simply on the lookout for a kind and nurturing woman who would make a good wife. And once they have met her, they are more likely to settle down.

Men and women are different and hence when it comes to dating criteria, they are also looking out for different things. Just like some men will put women into two categories when it comes to dating and relationship i.e. the ‘wife material a.k.a. they will bring home to see mum type’ and the ‘short fling type’, often some women will also put men into two categories – ‘the provider’ and ‘the player’.

Having said that, there are average Joes who are average in their looks but have honed their ‘player’ skills and are able to attract women to them like bees to honey because they just know how to push the right buttons. There are also gorgeous hunks who are actually very down-to-earth and is a total sweetheart when it comes to love and is also a perfect gentleman.

‘Players’ need not necessarily be gorgeous hunks. Sometimes, they just portray a sense of coolness, a sense of confidence or even a sense of danger that appeal to women. They seem so in control and they just know what to say and do at the right time. And thus, women tend to be more attracted to ‘the player’ than ‘the provider’.

Many a times, women would go for ‘the player’ to only get burnt at the end of the day because ‘the player’ does not tend to want to settle down because he knows that he has a huge following and know he just know what to do to make girls fall for him. And thus, eventually women learn to see beyond the façade and to look out for things that matter – dependability, loyalty, sense of responsibility – criteria that would make a good companion, a good husband and a good father. Many of these characteristics actually describe ‘the provider’.

I think ultimately, if we are talking about having and sustaining a long term relationship, ‘the provider’ (which most of the time would be the dating strategy of the average Joes) will be the one who is the ultimate winner as compared to ‘the player’ who seems to get all the girls in the beginning. ‘The player’ will be the biggest loser because he will never be able to sustain a long term relationship even though he seems to be the one having all the fun at first.

When men are looking for the right one, looks and physical appearances tend to rank high because most men are very visual.

However, when women are looking for the right one, they tend to take a more overall approach. I am not saying that looks are not important to all women. However, most women also look out for other things such as financial stability, sense of humour, confidence etc. other than looks before they judge whether to take the relationship to the next level. Thus, looks is not the only thing that women are looking for. Smile

Of course, there are also women who shun gorgeous men. There are some lady clients that I have met who will say that, “Violet, please don’t introduce me to someone who’s too good-looking!” I think, in their mind, they are thinking that women will always be attracted to good-looking men and they do not want to have unnecessary competition in future.

But having said that, there are also women who say to me, “Violet, make sure you pick the best looking man for me, ok?” However, I would have to say, there are more women saying, “Violet, make sure you find me a good man who’s kind, confident and humorous!” rather than “Make sure you find me a good-looking man!” Smile

What do YOU think? Do you think gorgeous hunks have it better? Or average Joes? Share with us your comments!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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What can single women do to lose their singlehood? (Part 2 of a 2-part series)

The truth is, before I become a professional matchmaker, I thought I knew all there was to know about dating, since I met my husband when I was 20 and we got married when I was 25. However, after entering the dating industry, I realised that there are actually many harsh realities about dating that people do not know. And that is why I decided to share my learning and insights in my book so that single ladies out there know what are the myths vs. realities. At least, after they know this, they can then make intelligent and informed decisions on what they wish to do to increase their chances of finding the right one!

Single ladies need to realise that finding the right one is NOT simply about meeting the right one.

Most singles if you ask them would tell you that the reason they are single is because they have not met the right one. However, meeting is just one of the three components. The other two components are ‘being the right one’ and ‘choosing the right one’. I have met many singles who come to use our services. Some of them successfully meet someone, and some don’t.

After some analysing, we realise that people who actually meet someone through us, they are generally:

  • Open minded and have a positive attitude
  • Flexible when it comes to their dating preferences and criteria
  • Take each date as an enjoyable experience of meeting a new friend
  • Partner with their dating consultant by providing honest feedback and also receiving feedback given by the dating consultant

All single ladies out there need to realise that:

hourglass time1. Time is not on their side. As much as they would like to build a successful career, they must also give priority to their social life

2. First impressions matter to men. As much as we do not want to change ourselves, we should appreciate that men are very visual creatures, and hence there’s no harm putting our best foot forward in each date.

3. Dating is a numbers game. You need to meet people to meet the right one. If you spend your Saturday night at home doing your laundry, your Prince Charming is not going to jump out of the washing machine!

4. There is no shame in increasing your own chances of success in finding the right partner. Let me ask you, if you were to go for a job interview, wouldn’t you put on your best suit? Style your hair? Brush up on your CV? Prepare for your answers? Arrive on time? Isn’t your lifelong happiness worth at least the same effort as looking for a job?

At the end of the day, you need to realise this… when you are single and alone, your boss will not be there to look after you. I know all the bosses out there are not very happy with me right now! Winking smile You have to love yourself more. You need to prioritise your time!

I was asked this question at a talk I gave recently… “Violet, is it possible to have it all? A career, a marriage and a family?”

The answer is… a resounding ‘YES!’

However, in order to achieve that, you have to look at your priorities. It’s not going to happen if you spend all your waking moments at work! If you want to have it all, you need to spend equal time on both work and social!

Many people out there will be wet blankets, maybe even saying, “Are you so desperate?” But just let them say whatever they want to say. In one of my favourite books, “Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom, there’s something Morrie said that will always stick in my mind… “Create your own culture!” The world is sometimes not a very nice place… people will put us down, or make us conform to what is known as the norm. However, you don’t need to conform to other people’s culture. Create your own… and go out there and find your own happiness!

Happy dating! Smile

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Why are so many career women in Singapore still single? (Part 1 of a 2-part series)

There has been a lot of talk that many career women in Singapore are still single… In the first part of this 2-part series, we are going to talk about the characteristics of some of the single ladies that I have met.

To be fair, not only many career women in Singapore are still single. It is the same with any other modern cities around the world e.g. Hong Kong, New York, Seoul, Tokyo, Shanghai etc. The thing is… more and more singles are delaying marriage. In the past, women marry in their early 20s. If you were to marry in your mid-20s, it is considered old. But now, many women are still not married by the time they are in their 30s. A lot of times, it is because these women are so focused on building their career in the early part of their life. And when they finally decide to settle down, they learn that it is not as easy to find a partner in their 30s as opposed to when they are in their 20s. One of the realities that I have shared in my book ‘Lessons From 15,000 First Dates’ is that ultimately many men are looking to date younger women as they would like to start a family eventually. So they would start to think, if I date a woman who is in her mid-30s, after 2 years of dating, 2 years of honeymoon period after the marriage, would it be too late to start a family?

Single ladies can be generally categorised into 4 groups. Of course these are generalisations and stereotypes and they are not exhaustive.

dragon lady1. The Dragon Lady: Dragon ladies are women who have done very well for themselves in the workplace. And as the skillset of women such as communication skills, interpersonal skills, multitasking skills are being more sought after in the workplace, more and more women are rising fast in the corporate world, sometimes even faster than their male counterparts. Women often feel that they have to adopt a more domineering and aggressive demeanour to climb up the corporate ladder. And often, they bring these characteristics with them wherever they go even when they are on dates. However, I always say to my single female clients, ‘Men are looking to date and marry women, not men!’ Women need to realise that they are on a date and not a debate. They do not need to challenge every single thing the guy say, or have the last say all the time. My advice to the dragon ladies is to indulge in your femininity and leave the fist-thumping in the boardroom.

2. The Waiter a.k.a. The Fixer: These are ladies who might be seeing someone, but they have been in the same relationship for 3 years, 5 years, or 9 years but the relationship just does not seem to be going anywhere. The reason is, the man keeps telling the woman that he’s not ready to settle down, and the woman is willing to just sit by and wait, hence the name ‘waiter’. And some of them are also fixers meaning they believe they can fix the guy, even though women who preceded them have failed. They believe that they are unique and special. My advice to this group of ladies is to give the guy an ultimatum. Give him a deadline, and if he does not adhere to it, then move on. You have to love yourself more because time is not on the side of the women. Just move on. If he loves you enough, he will ask you back and ask for your hand. If he does not, then he was never worth your time in the first place.

3. The Princess (and her Prince): A lot of single ladies for into this category. They probably have read too many fairy tales or indulge in too many Hollywood movies or Korean dramas. They would like to meet their prince charming ‘by chance’ because they believe that it is not romantic if they do anything extra to meet him. I believe that dating is a numbers game. Out of every 10 single men you meet, probably there are only 5 whom you are interested to know more about and he too would like to know you better. From the 5, you will probably go on a first date with 3 or 4. And from that 3 or 4, you will probably only go on more dates with 2 or 3. And from there, hopefully, you meet the one. Hence, the question is, if you do not even meet 10 single men in a month or even for some a year, what are the chances you would meet the one? I always ask the princesses, do you wish to be romantically single for the rest of your life, or be more proactive and find your prince charming? Smile My advice is, give yourself more opportunities and find more platform to widen your social circle and meet more new people.

4. The Clueless: Some ladies do not have a lot of relationship experience or have not dated in a long time. Hence, they have no idea of what to expect when it comes to dating or might have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. They would tell me things like, “Why should I do anything different? They should like me for who I am. If they don’t, then they are not worth my time!” when I suggest that they put on some light makeup when they go on a date. My question to them is, “There are many guys out there who are very nice and have great personality, however they might not meet your height preference (height is very important for most ladies!), then why don’t you like them for who they are as well?” My advice is that we should challenge our own list of criteria and preferences. Ultimately, we judge others, others judge us as well. When we look at each of our criterion, we should ask ourselves, is this a ‘must have’ or a ‘good to have’. If he is 1.75m, does it mean that he would be a better husband or a better father?

Stay tuned for the 2nd part… ‘What can single women do to lose their singlehood?’

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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