happilyeverafter: “Are you dating the marrying type?” (Part 2)

Here are two categories of confirmed bachelors that you should go out of your way to avoid.

Category 1: Time wasters

These are the men who are single, have been single for a long time, and intend to be single for a long, long time.  They are not at all focused on creating a warm relationship and taking it to a higher level of commitment; just the opposite, in fact, because time wasters love to play the game of keeping you on their hook as long as possible.  They’ll even go to great lengths to string you along as long as possible.

A man who is a time waster is usually pretty easy to spot.  Why?  He’ll be the one who is extremely self-absorbed and interested in himself; his dreams and goals are most important, bar none, and everything else is secondary to his own needs.  Another sign of a time waster is someone who is constantly pining away for another woman, typically an ex who for whatever reason is no longer with him.  Even if she treated him poorly, or in fact left him for someone else, he still views her as being the ideal woman. 

Instead of focusing on looking for another woman who has similar characteristics he becomes obsessed over her, spending all of his time reminiscing about “what used to be”.  Because this kind of man is seldom (if ever) going to become a committed, reasonable, balanced partner, staying with him is nothing more than a waste of your time.  You’d be much better off getting rid of him for good!

When Melissa first came to me, she was convinced she had been dating a terrific guy but was greatly frustrated because the relationship was not progressing the way she wanted it to progress.  In fact, she and this man had recently broken up but he was still calling her, saying he wanted to keep in touch.

“I thought he was truly The Right One,” she told me with a sad look on her face.  “He’s handsome, interesting, successful, and have a heart of gold and when we’re together we have a great time.  We went out for over three years, so there must be something “real” there, right?”

After we talked a while longer I discovered some things about the man and Melissa’s relationship with him that explained why the relationship never progressed to something serious: 

The man is a time waster.

Melissa described to me a number of things she experienced with him, including:

1.  He never felt comfortable introducing her to his parents.

2.  Whenever they would encounter relatives or friends out in public, he would suddenly stop holding hands with her.

3.  Whenever any topics related to commitment came up, he would shy away from them and quickly change the subject.

4.  After breaking up he continued to call her, as if he wanted to continue having a hold on her without the commitment of being boyfriend/girlfriend.

“Violet, I don’t know what to do!  I really thought he was The Right One, so why aren’t things working out the way I want them to?”

The answer, I told her, is simple:  The guy is nothing more than a time waster.  He wants to date and have fun, but he has absolutely no interest in a meaningful, long term relationship with her or any woman, at least for now.

The solution to this situation is also quite simple.  Melissa should cut off all communication with him, period, going “cold turkey” and getting him out of her life and her mind.  Nothing good can ever come from dating a time waster, so the best thing Melissa could do for herself, I told her, was to get rid of him, learn from her mistake, and start putting her time and effort into meeting and dating quality men.

I understand that it is not easy. You might hold on to the beautiful memories that you have shared, or harbouring hopes that things might suddenly work out. Look at it this way, if you move on, and he comes begging for you to go back to him, then that means he truly cherish you, and he is willing to commit. You get what you want. However, if he does not, then he has truly revealed his true colours. He is not interested in a committed relationship.

You are better off not wasting your time on him!

(To be continued… To be notified of my blog updates, sign up for my FREE newsletter.)

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6 Comments

  1. hello…??……??????……?
    ??????……
    ???????????????????????????????……

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  2. oh my god…here cant support chinese character…
    i'm 1st time here..ur blog nice…
    me from malaysia…1 of d LOL singapore blog awards category…
    my blog is regarding young man loving older women…hope can know each other well here…

    [Reply]

  3. Maru /

    Hi, Violet, I wish I had read your blog before i met my ex. I had simliar story as Melissa. My 3 years and 4 mths long distance relationship just ended less than a week, even though we met the parents and everyone kept asking us when to marry, and i have been waiting for him to propose for 3 years, we ended up breaking up as I found out he has been seeing and dating other women whenever i was not in HK. Should i proceed to find someone else now? my parent and friends encourage me, even his mum told me too. But the painful feeling is still torturing my heart.
    Anyway, glad to read your blog.

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  4. Hi Triton, thanks for dropping by. Will check out your blog too! 🙂

    Hi Maru,

    Welcome to my blog! I think you should heed the advice on your loved ones.He obviously is not serious about you.  It is not easy to move on, but you do not make an attempt to do so, you will always be 'stuck' pining for him. 

    Take care, and stay strong!

    Love, Violet

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  5. Hi Violet,
    Once you have invested so much time and energy into a relationship like Melissa had it becomes difficult to break free because so much of yourself has gone into the relationship. Once you are stuck in that kind of relationship you keep hoping and hoping that your partner will change and meanwhile time is passing you by. Calling an end to the relationship is the only way for anyone to get their lives back, leaving the poor old time waster having to find someone else to admire them.
    Cheers,
    Mike

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  6. Thank you for this write up. Your words helped me make my decision about this guy who is unsure of what he wants and treated me hot/cold & on/off. 

    [Reply]

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