DaFG: To be punctual or late on a first date?

A while ago, I was contacted by Munkysuperstar's Clicknetwork about one of their shows… Xiaxue's Guide to Life! I was like… wow! 🙂 I have been following Xiaxue's blog on and off for a while now. I am impressed by how she has built her blog and her brand. When I hear people saying, "Xiaxue is such a bimbo!" I will tell them, no bimbo will be able to garner such a big following. Do you know her daily readership is bigger than some monthly magazines? She might sometimes portray herself in a frivolous manner, but she's definitely a smart girl.

So anyway, they wanted to know if I wanted to teach Xiaxue (a.k.a. Wendy Cheng) to match-make. And I was of course I said yes!

I had a lot of fun at the shoot. Xiaxue and Gillian (owner and director @Munkysuperstar) were really nice and easy to work with. You can find some photos taken on site the shoot here.

They even found Xiaxue a 'client' to practise her skills on. The guy Terence is really sporting I thought. 

One of the advice that Xiaxue gave to Terence was that he should not arrive on time for a date. He should actually arrive late, because if he arrives early, the girl would think that he's too keen. And Terence was quite shocked with her advice. 🙂

This is a question that I get from many guys actually. Even from one of my previous posts, one reader asked,

hmm…. I've done the 3 items that Edwards has done but I'm still dateless…. on the other hand, I've seen man who do the exact opposite being more successful with ladies. So not really sure what works and what doesn't work.

The answer is… it really depends on the type of girls you are going for. And the type of guy you are.

For men who are going for women who receive more attention that she can handle, then of course, if you go with the plain vanilla approach all the time, it's going to fall flat. Just imagine this, you are a beautiful woman, and everywhere you go, heads will turn. You probably have people try to get your number and pick you up 5-10 times a day. Or even more! And when you do go on a date, most of the guys play the perfect gentleman and arrive punctually, presents in toll, waiting for your arrival. You have already come to expect it. It's boring.

So for a guy to grab her attention, what can he do? He has to do the exact opposite of what all the other men have been doing! By arriving late, he would have riled her up because in her mind she's thinking, "Who do you think you are? How dare you!" At the same time, there will be a tiny thought in her head, "This guy is different from the others. He dares to be late when coming on a date with me, could it be his 'market value' is actually higher than mine?"

However, for Terence, I believe that he's looking for someone who's down-to-earth and girl-next-door. Someone who probably would appreciate his punctuality and his chivalrous acts. By turning up late, he might actually put her off. Yes, she would also think, "Who do you think you are?" but more importantly, she would think, "He is not worth my time as he does not even bother to respect my time!"

So, to be punctual or late?

There's no right or wrong answer.

However, I do advice all my clients (male & female) to be punctual on their first dates, For me personally, I feel that it is only right that you respect other people's time. And if a guy is not going to be interested in me because I am punctual (because maybe being punctual, to him, it's a sign of desperation), then he is probably not the right fit for me!

Happy dating! 🙂

***

For those of you who have not had the chance the watch the video, here it is! 🙂

GTL EP75 Matchmaking from clicknetwork on Vimeo.

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


Nicholas Tse’s Love Philosophy |谢霆锋的爱情观

A couple of weeks ago, I read that HK superstars Nicholas Tse 谢霆锋 and Cecilia Cheung 张柏芝 have just welcomed their latest addition to the family. Now they are a happy family of 4.

I must say, Nicholas Tse has definitely surprised me repeatedly.

He has totally changed my initial opinion of him. When he first came onto the entertainment scene, I dismissed him very quickly as another 'bad boy'. He exemplifies all if not most of the 'bad boy' traits. Cocky, cool, good-looking, good with women. 

And when the scandal involving his wife Cecilia Cheung broke, I thought to myself, that's it… the marriage is probably over. With all the Chinese media blowing things out of proportion, and so much scrutiny surrounding his wife, someone like him probably would throw in the towel. I know, I know… I should not have been so quick to judge. And I must say, I have been humbled.

He supported her throughout the entire incident. He shielded her through the entire saga. He did not say much, but his actions speak louder than words. At her lowest point, he was her rock and refuge.

Later, when things have blown over, Cecilia revealed in a TV interview that she was so scared when she found out about the photos leak, as she knew that her photos would eventually surface. And when she told Nicholas, he just told her, "Don't worry, I am here." And when Nicholas was later interviewed about the saga, he said, "When I married her, I already know what sort of woman she was…" I am so touched by his words and his actions because he is so absolutely sure about his own choice and his own decision. And even though the saga might have made him 'lose face' which is such a big thing with Chinese culture, he was totally unfazed by it!

He surprised me a second time with his love philosophy 爱情观. I caught one of his more recent interviews with one of the China's TV stations, and when asked about his love philosophy, he said, there are 4 stages when it comes to love.

1. Passion 激情

2. Romance 爱情

3. Family Love 亲情

4. Friendship 友情

And these are the four components of love 感情. 

I am surprised not because there is anything wrong with what he has said. What he has said is what many relationship experts have been trying to share, but I just did not expect an artist, needless to say superstar like him to think that way! We often read about break-ups and divorces in the entertainment world especially Hollywood. And the reason is simple, as many of these relationships do not go past the first stage – Passion. I always describe passion like fireworks. It's absolutely beautiful, but it's also short-lived and it will fizzle out eventually. 

I really liked what he said about the 4th stage. He said eventually, as the children grow, and you become old, it will turn into friendship. And at this point, some of the audience probably have expressions of disbelief, and the host told them to give him a chance to explain, since he is a 'person of experience'.

He said, ultimately, we are all looking for a companion.

I think many people usually miss this point. They don't understand that passion and romance do not last forever. So they choose their mate just based on the first two stages. And when they move on to the third and the fourth phase, the cracks start to show, because they are just simply not compatible. They have nothing to talk about. They actually do not even enjoy each other's company! I have heard of quite a lot of husbands or wives staying out as late as possible, or leaving the house as early as possible, as they want to spend as little time as possible with their spouse. 

It is really wonderful that Nicholas Tse is sharing his love philosophy. My hope is that more of his impressionable fans would listen to him and subscribe to his philosophy.

Maybe Nic would succeed where many relationship gurus have failed. 🙂

Nic shares his love philosophy: http://www.56.com/u52/v_NDIwOTEyMzM.html

Latest update 23 August 2011: Just heard the latest news. Nicholas and Cecilia have just finalized their divorce terms. At the end of the day, having a great love philosophy is not enough. Ultimately, there must be constant communication and constant compromise. Good luck to both of them, and hopefully, one day, they will find their one true love.

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


VioletLim.com is a finalist in the S’pore Blog Awards 2010!

This morning, I received a fantastic surprise! I found out that I am one of the finalists in the Singapore Blog Awards under the 'Most Insightful Blog' category! When I first read about this award, I thought I would just register my blog at a whim. Hence, I am really honoured to be selected as one of the finalists from the 1000s of nominations! 🙂

So my dear readers, please vote for me at http://sgblogawards.omy.sg/category/

Here are some quick step-by-step pointers…

1. If you are not a member of omy.sg, you just need to join as one. The process is short and quick, would take you less than 2 minutes. 🙂

2. After signing up as a member and confirming your registration via the email link they send you, go to http://sgblogawards.omy.sg/category/ and choose 'Most Insightful Blog' category.

3. You will see my headshot, and the 'Vote' ribbon on it. Click on the ribbon, and NOT my face. 🙂 Because if you click on my face, it would bring you to my blog.

4. After you click on the 'Vote' ribbon, you will be asked to confirm if you would like to vote for me. Click YES! 🙂

5, Then, the 'Vote' ribbon will change to say 'Voted'. And voila, you are done! 🙂

You can vote once a day for each award category. Please vote generously! 😉

By voting, apart from supporting your favourite blogger ;), you also stand a chance to win some amazing prizes from omy.sg… Garmin Asus M10 smartphone, 3 days 2 nights holidays among others.

Thanks in advance for your votes! Have a wonderful week ahead! 🙂

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


DaFG: Date Like a Pro… Learn from Twilight’s Edward Cullen!

Edward Cullen? Edward who?Those of you who are currently dating or married probably know which Edward I am talking about… because your girlfriends or wives cannot stop telling you about him. For those of you who don’t, don’t worry, I will fill you in. 

Edward Cullen is the male lead in the Twilight saga, which started off as teen fiction, and now brought to life in the big screen. Ever since the first movie ‘Twilight’ was released, Edward has won thousands if not millions of girls and women over. Teenage girls and their mothers alike are crazy about him.

Why? You wonder… Well, because he is every girl’s dream guy. He’s the ‘perfect guy’. Well, he’s actually a vampire. Anyway, that’s another story altogether. So here goes… he’s tall, handsome, mysterious, dreamy eyes and sensitive, you get the drift.

Before you dismiss him as another F4 boy, he has the strength of a superhero. He is super strong. He can block a truck coming your way at 100km/hour with one hand. He is smart and well-read. And he plays the piano. Yes, my friends, he has the entire package. Luckily for you guys, he’s fictional! J

However, there are a few things that you can learn from Edward to make you a super date yourself.

  1. Edward is always polite and courteous. Edward comes from the 19th century; hence he’s a perfect gentleman. He opens the car doors for her. He is polite to all the waiting staff when they go to restaurants. He is sweet to her friends. Even though her father does not treat him in the nicest nor friendliest manner, he is always gracious and polite and never loses his cool. Takeaway point: Want to score brownie points? Stop acting all macho in front of her friends. Be nice to them, and earn their approval. Meeting her parents? Impress them with your impeccable manners. And treat her like a lady. Forget the gender equality. When it comes to dating, a lady wants to be pampered and looked after. Full stop.
  1. Edward always puts her needs first. Well, as I mentioned earlier, Edward is a vampire. And his lady love Bella is a human. Even though he really loves her, he is constantly tempted to quench his thirst. And the smell of blood is so, so tempting. So whenever he is with her, he always has to restrain himself from biting her even though his entire physique is saying… Bite her!!! Takeaway point: The next time she wants to go shopping and you wish you could just laze in front of the TV, instead of dragging your feet, surprise her by being an enthusiastic shopping partner. She would be extremely delighted to know that you adore her enough to put her needs before yours.

  1. Edward is always there. Yes, he is ALWAYS there. Even when she’s sleeping! As you know vampires do not sleep at night. In Edward’s case, he does not sleep ever. Anyway, when she sleeps, he lies beside her and watch her sleep. Yes, I am not kidding. So when she wakes up, he’s always the first thing she sees. Takeaway point: Ok, I know some of you will be gagging now. J But you know what, women like their men to be there for them. Not necessarily watching them sleep, but knowing that they can count on you and rely on you. And you will be there for them no matter what.

Try out these new 'tricks', and I am sure your date or your girlfriend will be extremely impressed with the ‘new’ you!

Happy dating!

Article first appeared in New Man, Malaysia.

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


“Is Marriage for Me?” on Singapore Talking

Last weekend was one hectic and busy weekend!

Received a call from Mediacorp on Labour Day i.e. Saturday morning that they would like to do a shoot for the Channel 8 Evening News with regards to the public now being able to search up to 2 marital records for free per year. To find out more about this latest initiative, click here.

Then on Sunday evening, I rushed to Caldecott Hill after a quick dinner with Jamie and our friends, for the filming of Singapore Talking Episode 4 – “Is Marriage for Me?”

I have always enjoyed talk shows as it is a free and easy format where the host and guest can interact with one another and exchange views on the topic at hand.

I was invited as a panel speaker to this particular episode as they would like to get my expert views on why there are more and more singles in Singapore despite the fact that up to 80% of singles polled indicated that they would like to get married. The other invited panelists were Vanessa Fernandez (better known as Vandetta), a 987FM DJ and John Ng, mediation consultant and author of “Dim Sum for the Family”. And the host is Ashraf Safdar, a banker with UBS.

As there were 1 host, 3 panel speakers, and only 27 minutes to work with, we were advised to be succinct and concise. 🙂

It is an interesting discussion as John and I are obviously pro-marriage, and Vanessa does not believe in the institution of marriage. Personally, I respect that some people do not want to get married for X, Y, Z reasons. Because at the end of the day, it is a very personal choice. And we cannot force them. Though we can try to persuade and coax them. 😉

I think another worrying trend is the people who really want to get married but are facing various challenges due to their profile or their dating preferences. Actually, unlike what many people think, these singles are not unattractive or ineligible.

I have highlighted some of these challenges on the show. I will post up the video link once it has been uploaded by Mediacorp.

Meanwhile, here are more photos…

Above: Getting some ‘touch up’ during the break.

Above: Having a chat with Ms. V during the break.

Above: Hmm, not a flattering shot… but oh well! 🙂

Above: And that’s the 4 of us… Vanessa, Violet, Ashraf & John!

So, what are your views? If you are not married, is marriage for you? Looking forward to hear your views!

Share on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn


What is Your Love Language?

I first came across the concept of  ‘The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman a few years ago. But I never actually paid enough attention to find out more.

A couple of months back, I was reminded of “The Five Love Languages” when I invited a friend of mine to speak at my Rotary Club on the topic. I started to pay more attention to what these 5 love languages are.

1) Words of Affirmation: “I love you!” and unsolicited compliments are highly appreciated by people whose love language is this.

2) Physical Touch: Not so much the sexual sense… but more on hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, a peck on the forehead etc.

3) Receiving Gifts: This is not about being materialistic, but it is about appreciating the thoughtfulness behind the gift.

4) Quality Time: This is about being there, and giving undivided attention to your partner.

5) Acts of Service: Helping to take on the ‘burden of responsibilities’. Vacuuming can be a show of love! 🙂

Hence, Jamie and I also decided to find out what our respective love languages are. And I tell you, it is rather amazing how you can dramatically improve your relationship with a person if you know what their love languages are!

Before we go into that, let me share with you about a woman whom I met last month during the Abundant Women Power Talk!

While I was sharing, I realised that a middle aged lady walked quietly into the room and took a seat at the back. And at the end of my talk, she came up to me and told me that she actually did not register for the talk at all. But because she was at the administration office to finish up some paperwork, the admin person told her about the talk, and she decided to come by.

And she told me,

“Violet, I am so glad that I have walked into your talk!”

During my talk, I shared some of my personal experiences about how gender differences and love languages can impact on a relationship. She shared that I have helped to shed some light on her marriage of close to 30 years.

From her sharing, her love language is probably quality time. But her husband’s love language is acts of service and receiving gifts. So when her husband shows her love by his actions and gifts, it just does not register that he is showing her love.  What SHE wanted him to do is to… spend more time with her. And when he does not, she just feels that he does not love her.

After she heard my sharing on the love languages, she actually said,

“Oh no! My poor husband must be feeling rather unloved all these years!”

Unfortunately, everyday conflicts and unhappiness often occur when the couple does not understand each other’s love language.

One of my girl friends shared with me that she thinks that her husband does not love her. Based on my analysis, her love language is words of affirmation and her husband’s love language is acts of service. (Seems like many men have acts of service as their love language!) So to cut the long story short, her husband does not always say “I love you!” but he tries to demonstrate his love by doing things for her like cleaning the toilet etc. But, she does not understand that he is trying to say “I love you!” And she will comment on how he can do the job better… Err, recipe for argument? Definitely!

I share with my friend on what I know about the 5 love languages, and hopefully this can help her to minimize and diffuse potential conflicts between her hubby and her.

So anyway, back to Jamie and I. After doing the test, we realised that we have a completely different set of love languages! Yes, we were pretty shocked! Hence now, I understand why when he says something or does not do something, I will get terribly upset. And I also understand why he does certain things, and I am starting to appreciate those things more because… THAT is his way of showing me that he loves me!

By a simple act of incorporating some of these elements into our daily life i.e. demonstrating love not only in our own love language, but in our partner’s or our family member’s love language, we can immediately improve the quality of our relationships! 🙂

So, what is your love language?

***

Want to know what your love languages are? Do the quiz here!

Want to learn more about the 5 love languages? Read more here…

Related Posts with ThumbnailsShare on Facebook

Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn