“My boyfriend has a change of heart…”

Hi Violet,

I came across your blog as I am desperately looking for an answer.  So here’s my story.  My boyfriend and I met at work.  He has recently returned to Singapore while I am staying behind in Hong Kong.  We have been having a long distance relationship for the past six months.  Everything was going very well in spite of the distance.  We were very close and talk to each other often.  We have even made marriage plans for the near future. Then about a month ago, everything changed literally overnight. He refused to talk to me after a minor argument which we could easily work out as a mature couple.  He told me to give him some time which I did.  And a week ago, he decided that we are no long compatible.  Violet, this is very hard for me to believe because he had only reassured his commitment to our relationship just the night before the ‘fight’.  What do you think is going on?  I am heartbroken and devastated.  What is wrong here?  Please help!


Dear J,

Thank you for your letter.

I understand that having invested so much love and time into your relationship with your boyfriend, let’s call him X, you must be really devastated and frustrated with the current situation.

Based on what you have told me, I can’t really point out what is going on because I do not know enough, and I do not know X’s version of the story.

What went wrong? The possibilities are endless. However, one thing I know for sure is… if X had a change of heart, this did not happen overnight. Like you say, you have been sustaining a long distance relationship for 6 months. Things might look well on the surface, but he might have had a tough time trying to keep the LDR going. And when you had that minor argument, however minor, for him, it is the breaking point. Or he might not see the relationship going anywhere as he’s in Singapore and you are in HK. And even though he really IS committed, he just does not see a future.

Bottom line is, there is no point for us to speculate. The best way to know what went wrong is to talk to him. See if there is anything you can both do to work things out.

If he is reluctant to talk, then just move on. There is no point trying to beg him to stay. The more you call him and SMS him, the more you will be seen as ‘lower value’ to him.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to be strong, and work on being a better and stronger person. And by then who knows? He might be the one coming back to beg for your forgiveness. And it will then be up to you whether you still want him back.

I know things are not going to be easy. In these times, support from friends would be most important. Hang out with your girlfriends, take up a new hobby, go on a trip you have always wanted to go and eventually, you will meet someone who will cherish you for who you are. Jiayou!

Take care.

Love, Violet

Readers, please do feel free to chip in to help J out, thanks!

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8 thoughts on ““My boyfriend has a change of heart…”

  1. i totally agree with violet.. please be strong and hang in there, the more you try to hold on to the relationship, the more you will feel hurt trying to understand why things have changed, and why he is behaving the way he is.. give it time… and you will feel happier having moved on from what didnt work.


  2. I totally agree with Violet too. i have experienced the same recently. i was dating with my bf for 10 years and planned to get married end of this year. HOwever, recently i discover he got another one………… the worse is he cannot let go of that women. i really hope i can be strong. Therefore, i hope J u can be brave and strong too.


  3. I’m having the same prob with my bf (LDR). Like J, 6 months too, then he suddenly changed overnight just because of a minor argument. I tried to talk him but he asked for time-out. We haven’t spoken to each other for almost a fortnight now. Anyhow, this article really helps. I know what I should do now. Thanks.


  4. My galfriend had a similar experience and it turned out (she found out from his close guyfren), her (ex)BF already had doubts abt the relationship (both work/stay in Sg), so when a “minor” problem came up, it strike his mind (and heart) that all these mean that they are not compatible and broke up after “cool off” period of 2 days. They had been together for 1 YEAR.
    I consoled her, for he is a jerk and mummy’s boy who is idealistic abt his “Perfect GF”. You can also contribute that to lack of love experience and maturity. 🙂


  5. Life has to go on.Always looks the bright side of life and who knows we may find the right one soon.

    That will be one of my resolution this new year.To be set free from Singlehood.Need great help from you Violet to fulfil it.


  6. sigh…i have been experiencing sometning like that recently. Both my BF and myself are living in Singapore, we have been together for more than 2 yrs, we used to see each other almost on daily basis and calling during the day. But recently, he keep asking me not to call, he will call me when he is free, this mean from a few calls in a day to only 1-2 call in a day and a month ago, i found that there are gals that he is corresponding with on sms…she is calling him “dear”.. Am very sad because in this relationship, I have been helping to pay this and that and even my own meals, I dint expect anything at all but only true love…now I can sense that he seems to have nothing much to tell me or talk to me about. I suspect that he could be still contacting other gals but we have been together for 2 years +, dont know what I should do now…I am no longer young..


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