A Heartwarming Note from a Reader!

Dear Readers,

I received a very heartwarming note on a Monday morning. It really instantly brightened up my day, and it was a great start to the week. It is from one of my LUNCH Actually clients who is also my blog reader. Have checked with her if it’s ok to publish her note in my blog, and she has given me permission… so here it is! 🙂

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Hi Violet,

Firstly, just want to say that you and your team has done a great job in introducing men to me. Thank you so much! The men are mostly of pretty good quality, but I guess perhaps at times its really the chemistry that is lacking. Secondly, your blog has been really insightful, especially your tips on relationships.

Now for the good news – I got attached 2 weeks back! He is not from any agency but from my church. And it is a big surprise to me because when I first met him early last year, he was not exactly someone I would even consider. He did not meet any of my so-called criteria. I did not even want to talk to him or meet up with him. But as time went by, we got involved in religious activities together, then somehow started spending more time with each other, and before I knew it, we got together. It was a very natural progression, no fireworks or big drumrolls or whatnot, but we just became “inseparable”.

One of your recent posts struck me – it is true that sometimes you may state down whatever criteria you have, but at the end of the day, when you have found someone you can really communicate with, someone you can be totally comfortable with, and someone who shares your goals, visions and outlook in life, a lot of things really don’t matter. Like he doesn’t meet my height criteria, he’s not even Chinese, he’s not the high-flier I wanted, but yet with him, I can be totally myself. I can say what I want anytime I want, I can be totally outspoken and opinionated, I can tell him off, and he still accepts it. He is not the eloquent guy I wanted, but between both of us, we can talk non-stop, joke, make corny remarks and whatnot.

So at the end of the day, I believe once we’ve found a companion, all other “criteria” really don’t matter. What’s important is looking towards the same direction and how both get along with each other. Having said that, things look rather promising for this relationship, so I would like to put my membership on hold for now. Once again, thanks so much for the great job you’ve been doing!

Best Regards,
Celia

Her advice to all of you out there who’s looking for love is, “…not to write anyone off just because the other party may not be “fitting” at first instance. I’m glad I didn’t in the end!”

So, never give up and keep an open mind! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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DAfG: Dating Out of Your League?

This is a new series that I am starting – Dating Advice for Guys (DAfG).

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Often in your dating journey, you will encounter someone whom you are deeply impressed with. Your friends will ask you to stop dreaming as they think that she is out of your league. Well, truth is, there is no harm trying right?

So first and foremost, the F word. How do you conquer the fear of disapproval and rejected?

Fear of rejection is detrimental to your dating life as it will make you freeze and stop you from functioning properly. You might be so uptight that you might start stuttering, your words coming out all wrong etc. Chances are you fear rejection because you have been rejected so many times and you are afraid that it is going to happen again. The thing is you are probably lacking in confidence. So if you build up your confidence using the steps stated below, you probably would have a foot in.

Step by step guide to boost your self confidence:

(a)    Change your mindset: Often, it’s all in the mind. You have to change the messages that you are telling yourself over and over again. Instead of saying thing such as, “I am such a loser, no girls will like me,” or “I am not successful enough, I am not funny enough,” try changing these lines to positive affirmations of yourself. Be positive. “I am sociable.” “I am confident.”“People will accept me.” “Girls will find me attractive.” Once you start to believe them, the way you carry yourself would be different.

(b)   Step by step: Do not jump into the deep end. If you are shy approaching women whom you are interested in, or your long-time crush, start taking baby steps by talking to women whom you meet on a daily basis e.g. the cashier at the supermarket. Just by saying hi and asking them how they are doing, will eventually help you build up confidence on approaching ladies.

(c)    Keep at it: Along the way, you might feel uncomfortable with all the changes that you are making to your life, or you might not see any improvement despite having make changes. Like anything else in life, it takes time. So set a medium to long term goal, and keep at it. Do not give up like after a week.

The secret is really to just get a conversation going. And once you do that, things will just fall into place. Even if she does not happen to immediately agree to go out on a date with you, you have made a new friend, and who knows where that would lead to. If you have been using rehearsed pick-up lines, maybe it is time to stop and be more genuine and more natural.

Now that you have boosted your self-confidence, here is your game plan for snagging a girl who is ‘out of your league’:

(a)    First and foremost, realise that beautiful, smart, rich women are people as well. They are not goddesses, even though you might see them as such. Hence, stop being intimidated. If you cannot get over this fact, you are unlikely to succeed.

(b)   Next, do your research. You might be surprised but the more beautiful or attractive or rich or smart a woman is, chances are she can be quite insecure. She is constantly worried that guys are only after their looks, or their money etc. Hence, the question is, how do you make her feel self-assured? Be a good listener, be a good conversationalist.

(c)    Women who are “out of your league” generally would have many suitors. Hence, they have had many experiences listening to bad pick-up lines, or men trying to flatter them, or men trying to worship the ground they walk on. Hence, do not ‘suck up’ to them. The more you do it, the less value you have in their eyes.

(d)   Know your strengths and play them up. Create situations or scenarios where you can show off your unique qualities and impress her. E.g. if you are a talented singer, or if you can cook really well. When you are doing something you are comfortable in your own skin, you will appear confident and attractive.

(e)   Last but not least, re-examine your objective of approaching women who are out of your league. Is it because you are looking for a trophy girlfriend or wife? Is this girl truly compatible with you? Do you like her for the right reasons? Because sometimes, there are girls whom you might not be attracted to initially, but you guys are actually a match made in heaven.

Happy dating!

(First appeared in New Man Magazine August 2009)

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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