“If you want to be loved, be lovable.”

As a modern-day matchmaker, many single guys ask me the question “How can I get ladies to go out with me?”

As for the ladies, they often raise the question – “How can I get my guy to commit to me?”

For the guys who ask such a question, usually they are at a point where they have low confidence, because they have been rejected many times in the past, and are afraid of more rejections.

For the ladies, they probably have been going out with the guy for ages now only to feel that the relationship is going nowhere despite everything they have gone through together and the sacrifices she has made for him.

So the simple answer to these two questions “How can I get ladies to go out with me?” and “How can I make my guy commit to me?” in my humble opinion, is:

“You don’t”.

You can’t make them to suddenly decide to go out with you, or decide to commit to you. There is no magic potion out there that can make that happen. If I do have that magic potion, I would become an instant millionaire! 🙂

What you have to do is… simply become the man they WANT to go out with or the lady they WANT to commit to. It is a matter of switching your perspective and changing your perception.

It is difficult to “get” or “make” someone to do something for your benefit.

To get the results you want, you have to work on yourself. You have to be the type of man that women are attracted and are excited to go out on a date with. Or you have to be the right kind of lady that men cannot wait to commit to and never want to leave.

Many a times, nice guys get rejected not because they are nice. It is because they lack self-confidence when interacting with women. Instead of leading and being decisive, they ask permission for everything and they feel absolutely lucky when a lady shows them any attention at all. This kind of behaviour does not inspire any interest from the ladies.

For the ladies, they fear that by dropping hints or forcing the issue on their guy, they would chase the man away. Hence they hope and pray for the day the man would “realise” how well they have been treated and take action. They are unaware that the man has grown comfortable with the status quo and as the years go by, they do not see any reason to change the status quo as they are getting what they want out of a relationship anyway.

And for some ladies who come in the mould of the modern career woman, they sometimes bring their career mindset right into their relationships. They challenge every issue and they must always have the last say. Because this mindset and attitude work so well for them at work, they cannot shake it off when they are dating. I always tell our lady clients; please leave the fist-thumping at the boardroom! Because some of these ladies come across as so aggressive, when the men imagine their lives together, they see a marriage filled with disharmony and arguments. And this frankly will scare off most men.

The above examples might be stereotypical situations but they are actually very common issues faced by both men and women, especially in a world where gender roles are becoming more and more confused. There is an increasing frustration towards dating and relationships.

As Publius Ovidius Naso aptly said nearly 2000 years ago, “If you want to be loved, be lovable”.

Might seem passé, but it still rings true 2000 years later.

To enjoy the dating process, the focus should always be on the person you are and not the person you want the other person to be. We can only pray and hope that the other person will change. He might change, or he might not change. But with ourselves, if we put our minds to it, we can make those changes almost instantaneously!

Happy Dating!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Quick Update!

Dear Readers,

In case you are wondering what I have been up to… well, I still have not ‘popped’ yet. My estimated due date is 7 Apr. Tummy getting really really big. It’s quite funny how I keep bumping into things.

Have been very busy at work. Wish I could update my blog more often. Hopefully, after I pop, I would have more time to sit down and write. 🙂

Meanwhile, have a great day weekend ahead!

Love, Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

More Posts - Website

Follow Me:
TwitterFacebookLinkedIn