Breaking Up is Hard to Do…

I just went to ICA (Immigration Department) to renew my PR the other day. Time flies, doesn’t it? In a heartbeat, 5 years have gone by. Yet, when I went to ICA, I thought to myself, in the past 5 years, so many things have changed. When I first applied for my PR, I was still working at the bank. I was single and dating. And in 5 years, I am married, mother of a 2 years old. And running my own business with my husband.

Who would have thought? It’s quite funny meeting up with some old friends. People whom I have not met up for a long time. When I say, I am married… they are like, “Ok…” And along the conversation, when I brought up Babe, the look on their faces would be priceless… they are like, “What??? You have a kid?” and shake their heads in disbelief.

And to a certain extent, because of the rapid changes in my life, transitioning from a single, to being attached, to being married, to being a mother in a short period of time, I often find myself desperately grasping on ropes to learn and excel in these new roles… And to sometimes, I cannot jump right into the psyche of being single and searching.

Until a recent episode brought me back in time… to a decade or so ago.

Someone who’s close to me recently broke up with her boyfriend. And as I watched the entire episode unfolded in front of me, it reminded me of how devastating a breakup can be.

So, this letter is dedicated to my heartbroken friend, as well as any other readers out there who are nursing a heart break.

Dear X,

I know how you are feeling. Because I have been there.  Trust me.

I know there are many questions going in your mind right now. You thought that he loved you. He did proclaim his undying love to you didn’t he? “Why did he lie to me?” You are thinking. “How could I be so naïve? How could I believe him?” Every cell in your body is screaming!

When I went through my first break up… I thought I would die. I lost so much weight. Without even trying. I was the skinniest then in my whole entire adult life. My mum was so worried about me. Come to think about it, I feel really bad now making her worried about me so much.

Everything that I saw, hear, smelt , touched… reminded me of him. And I could be reduced to tears when ‘our song’ was played on the radio. And it was like my favourite radio station was conspiring against me. Every time I tuned in, it would be playing one of ‘our songs’. Tears would flow down my cheek when I am driving, and at times, I could even be sobbing uncontrollably. I even wore black for weeks, because I needed to mourn for a relationship which I thought would have lasted the test of time. I thought that he was the one. We made so many plans. How could he walk out of the relationship now? How could he be so cold and distant now?

I thought I will never love again. I thought I could never meet another person whom I could have a deep connection with.

This might sounds absolutely ‘cliché’, but time does heal.

I made new friends. I pursued new hobbies. I pulled myself up. And of course along the way, I did many silly things. Thinking of what I did then, I can’t help but cringe. But after a few months, I could listen to ‘our songs’ without crying. I could have a normal adult conversation with him, without feeling really crappy after that. Yes, like they say, as time went by, I moved on.

When I think of my ex now, I remember some good memories, some not so good memories. But everything seemed so far away. The word to describe it is probably… surreal. I know they happened, but it is as if they happened to another me. In another space.  Yet these experiences did shape me and mould me, and toughen me emotionally.

Dear X, I know it is very difficult to imagine yourself being in love again. You cannot imagine meeting another person whom you can laugh with, cry with, someone whom you can share your darkest secrets with, someone whom you think you can grow old with.

You cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Believe me… there is light… at the end of the tunnel.

Remember? I have been there, and I am a living testament of it. 🙂

If I have not been through my last relationships, I might not realize what a gem my hubby is when I met him. I might not have the emotional IQ to make our relationship work. I would have committed all those previous boo-boos I made in my previous relationships and wreck our relationship.

So, if you look at things from a different perspective… God is preparing us for the perfect mate. 🙂

If you need to, mourn a little. You need the time and space to heal. But do not stay there too long. There’s a beautiful world awaiting you out there…

Love, Violet

 

P/S: This song by A-Mei helped me heal during my breakup. I hope that it would help you as well. My favourite stanza translated into English…

“Breaking Free, is acknowledging that this relationship would not work out, I should not keep holding on

You have the freedom to go, I have the freedom to live my life happily…”

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7 Comments

  1. Very inspiring letter indeed! I know exactly what you are saying, because I too have been there, done that. Past experiences toughened me up and prepared me for new things to come. Now I can only look back and wondered why I did some of the things I did, regretted some things I did, and learnt from mistakes, hoping not to make the same mistakes again. Yes, time really does heal, after a while you feel indifferent already, and may even wonder why you ended up with him in the first place!

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  2. Letter with concerns and warm up reader’s heart!
    I think I have made a right decision to be a member of lunch actually yesterday evening. ^_^

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  3. Hi Celia,
    Haha… I know what you mean… you are like hmm… “What did I use to see in him?” 🙂 But as you say, past experiences do toughen us up and prepare us for new things to come…!

    Hi Peter,
    Thanks for dropping by, and hope to catch up with you one day! 🙂

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  4. How true they way you put it Violet. i have broken up with my ex almost 2 years ago, but bits and pieces of him are still lingering on my thoughts. i dont know why im missing him and at the same time, still hate him for leaving me with another girl. i am very cautious and afraid of getting into a new relationship now. =( maybe im just destined to be single forever..

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  5. I feel the letter deeply. Just broke up around a month ago. I’m not sure whether I’m still mourning or living life the way I should. Yes I’m in that phase where you’re doing stuff that you’ll regret later. I’m aware of that but I can’t help it. I’m not ready to meet my ex because he has a new girlfriend already. I just can’t wait for the time to come where I’ll feel normal again. I can’t wait for the time to come where I meet another ‘perfect’ guy. I love your statement “God is preparing us for the perfect mate”..

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  6. jerry /

    hi may i know  the chinese title for that song by a mei?

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    Violet Reply:

    The name of the song is ???:)

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