Personal View vs. Professional View on Love, Dating & Relationships

I was asked this question recently during an interview with a research student.

“Do you subscribe to 2 different views on love, dating and relationships? Your personal view? And a professional view when you run Lunch Actually?”

I have to admit, that question totally stumped me. I never really thought about it, until then.

She said this thought was sparked after reading what I wrote about an exchange I had with my dearest hubby.

And what she said got me thinking…

Do I have 2 different view points on love? If yes, what are they?

On Dating & Relationships

When it comes to dating and relationships, personally, I am definitely not a Rules girl. I think I have broken every single rule there is. Never make the first move. Check. Never call the guy after the date. Check. Never spend hours talking on the phone revealing your inner self within the first month. Check. Never ask question to check on status of relationship unless he brings it up. Check. And, the list goes on.

Yet when it comes to sharing dating tips, I would sometimes share with ladies to not be overtly aggressive or eager. The reason? Because I know of many men who have given feedback that they prefer to do the chasing. They immediately get put off when the lady is too eager.

Am I contradicting myself?

If I am, it is because I have been told that not many men can ‘take it’ – i.e. the lady makes the first move. It would make the guy feel that the lady has lower value, hence he would lose interest. If you ask me personally, I think if a guy feels that way, then he probably is not worth your time. Or both of you are just never meant to be. When I said that, I am then told that it is ‘scientific’. It is how attraction works…

Hmm… but… I am blissfully married to the guy whom I broke all the rules with. And I know of some other girlfriends who did the same thing, and they too are happily married.

And then, it suddenly occured to me that it is about the type of guys whom you are dating. There are some guys who are more on the introverted or passive side. They are ok with ladies making the first move. It will not bruise their ego. Actually, they welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

So with these guys, it is ok if you give them a little more push. But not all guys are like that. This probably would not work if the guy is very extroverted, and is often the livewire of the party. 🙂

On Love

I have to say, I am a romantic. I weep while watching romantic comedy, even if I am watching it for the 15th time. I read romantic novels, and smudge the pages with my tears. I watch my girlfriend walking down the aisle, and I have to breathe deeply so that my tears do not ruin my makeup.

Yet when it comes to love at first sight? I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in instant connection. There are some people that you connect with instantly. And some that you would take time to warm up to. Having said that, about 3 weeks ago, I met a couple who has been married for 14 years and still behave like honeymooners… and they both claim that theirs was a ‘love at first sight’ relationship.

When sharing with clients, I tell them that out of the many couples that we have succesfully matched, less than 10% of them are ‘love at first sight’ stories. Hence, I always advise them to go out on a few more dates if there is nothing they really ‘hate’ about the other party. Remember the story of Mr. & Ms. Laidback?

I also believe that love is a commitment. Because in life’s journey, there are bound to be ups and downs. There are bound to be obstacles and challenges. And sometimes, the last feeling you have for your partner is love. Do you at that point walk away? Or do you stay rooted in the relationship as you have committed to making it work? I am not saying that you should stay on in an abusive relationship… don’t get me wrong.

But if we see love as passion. Or love as excitement. Or love as our partner doing something for us to make us happy. At some point or other, we will be sorely disappointed. What then?

I think this guy summarizes it very well

And suddenly it seems all very clear to me.

Actually, I do not have 2 separate views on love, dating and relationship. My views are congruent and consistent. However, what works for me might not work for each and every one of my members. I cannot impose my personal views on them. When they ask for my opinions, I can share with them my experiences. I will also share with them what some survey results have shown. I will also point them to books written on the subject.

However, in love, there is no right or wrong, no black and white. It is often grey. And perhaps it is the trials and tribulations, the heartaches experience, the journey of self-discovery which makes love the most debated topic on earth…

To me, love is multi-faceted. It is not only a feeling. It is also a process and a commitment. And perhaps it is best described in this famous verse…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects and always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4  

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Blog Plug: Charming but Single

This blog is written by a gal who is 27, who lives in the South (US). As described by her in her ‘About’ page, she writes about dating, not dating, online dating, thinking about dating, vowing never to date again, bad dates, good dates, non dates, and her frequent frustration with the male species. 🙂

Her blog is an easy and very compelling read. Very real, very direct, very frank. When reading her blog, I can feel myself being there with her as she manoeuvres the dating circuit. She’s funny and witty too. I love the way she looks at things. I particularly thought this post was quite funny. Imagine really writing such a letter to a guy you have just gone out with! Haha! 🙂

What are you waiting for? 🙂 Go check it out now!

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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Do you believe in the Law of Attraction?

Incident 1 

2 weeks back, I was at the KL branch, and my staff told me that a client is on the phone for me.

I was taken by surprise actually. I have not been at the KL branch for some time, hence there usually would not be a client looking for me directly. Nevertheless, I picked up the call, and was pleasantly surprised to hear that it was Mr. T.

I was like, “Hey, Mr. T, how are you doing?”

“I am good! We are getting married this Oct you know?”

“Yes, yes. You told me.”

“You are invited ya?”

“Yes, yes, I already have it marked down in my calendar!” I said. “Hey! I thought you have registered your marriage earlier this year. No photos-ar?”

“Got got.”

“Why you never send any to me?”

“Aiyah, actually I want to send to you, but I am worried that you will use it for advertisements…”

“Ha? No-la. I will only use for advertisements if you allow me to-la. You think I anyhow will use for advertisements-meh?”

“Hehe, ok ok, I will email to you right away!”

“Ok, good! Hey by the way Mr. T, how come you decide to call me today ar? Did you know that I just happened to get back to KL yesterday.”

“Ooh, is it? I just happened to pass by Plaza Damas, and I thought of you!”

Note: Plaza Damas is where our office is located.

“Oh wow ok! Such a coincidence isn’t it?”

Incident 2

After reading the book “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari” by Robin S Sharma, I decided to find out more about meditation, and to incorporate meditation into my daily life.

The only ‘challenge’ that I face is… I have no clue how to meditate. I went through some websites, but frankly, I am not really sure how to go about it.

And then… 2 weeks after I made the decision to find out more about meditation, I met this guy who has been meditating for the last 10 years, and have been teaching meditation all around the world. And he actually gave me a free lesson one day!

I mean… what are the chances of that happening?

Incident 3

I attended National Achievers Congress 2007, and I heard so much about ‘The Secret’. Actually I never heard about ‘The Secret’ till that very point. It got me quite curious actually…

And then 2 weeks later, I met someone who actually handed me a DVD where Oprah interviewed the producer and author of ‘The Secret’.

Stroke of luck or what?

*****

After watching the DVD, I realised that these 3 incidents might not be what we call coincidences after all. It is about the law of the universe, the law of attraction. By giving specific orders and commands to the universe, your thoughts will attract the other thoughts that are vibrating at the same frequency as yours. 

For e.g. My presence in KL gave out certain vibrations to Mr. T who wanted very much to share his happiness with me. My wanting to learn about meditation brought a meditation guru into my life. And because I wanted to know about ‘The Secret’, it has been told to me.

I thought one of the examples given in the interview was pretty good. You know when we are having a tough week, or we are really running low on cashflow, and we say, “If only I can make it through this week…” and usually we do only make it through that week, nothing more, nothing less.

The law of attraction, shared by some of the experts is when your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are congruent. One will not work without the other.

This makes me realise that, the law of attraction is something that we can apply to our dating and love life too. If we keep thinking to ourselves, “Aiyah, all the good men are either married, attached or gay. Good things will never happen to me,” well… you are actually telling the universe that. So even if you make all the efforts in the world e.g. taking part in activities and events etc., but your actions are not congruent with your feelings and thoughts, things just will not work out.

I have been trying to explain to some of my friends and clients about why certain things happen because of their mindset e.g. being positive or being negative. And to a certain extend, I have been quite bewildered why some of my friends try so hard, yet not yielding any results.

E.g. You want to be wealthy, and you work really hard towards it. But somehow, it just does not happen. Then you find out that it is because you have always thought that ‘money is evil’ or ‘rich people are bad’. So of course you want to be good, so you are sabotaging yourself subconsciously as you do not want to be bad or evil.

And now it makes sense. Because our thoughts, feelings and actions are not aligned. Even though our actions are moving us forward, our thoughts and feelings are holding us back. And sometimes, we are not event aware of it, because these are underlying commitments.

Have you experienced anything like that? Do share your thoughts! 🙂

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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