QQ,QA #5: About Love

“How do you know if you love someone or if someone loves you? Do actions speak louder than words? Maybe sometimes we need to hear the words.”

love.jpgWent to watch The Prestige last weekend with Jamie. For those of you who have not watched it, you must go see it, it’s one of the best movies we have seen this year. It is about the tale of 2 young magicians who started as friends, but end up as arch enemies.

One of the minor plots of the story is the relationship between Alfred Borden a.k.a. The Professor (played by Christian Bale) and his wife Sarah. The wife will often ask him, “Do you love me?” Alfred will tell her yes every time she asks this question.

Sarah will either reply, “Today, you are telling the truth,” or, “Today, you don’t, and that’s why it makes those days that you do so precious.”

Don’t you find that strange? How is it that on some days, she knows that he loves her, and on other days, she knows that he does not? Well, as the story unfolds, the audience eventually finds out the reason. And the reason is… for those of you who have not watched the show and plan to watch it, please do not read on; so that I don’t spoil it for you. :)

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The reason is because… Alfred has a twin brother. And both of them have been living half lives. So on some day, brother A plays Alfred, and on other days, brother B plays Alfred. But they kept this secret from everybody even from Sarah.

So, one of the brothers, let’s call him brother A is actually in love with Sarah. But brother B is not. Hence on days that brother B plays Alfred, Sarah knows that Alfred is not telling the truth when he says that he loves her. Even though, she never figured out that there were actually two of them.

Coming back to this Installment #5 of QQ,QA – so how do we know when someone loves you? How does Sarah know that brother B does not love her when he proclaims he does? Is it the way he said it? Or is it the look in his eyes? Is it the emotion conveyed? Or sometimes you just know? And you don’t know exactly why.

I think different people want to be ‘shown’ love differently.

Some people like to hear it everyday, every single time you part ways, or end a phone conversation. Some people feel that it is meaningless as it sort of become another thing you say, like ‘Bye!’ or ‘Talk to you later!’

Personally, I think communication is very important. We have to understand how our partner expresses his/her love.

I think it is futile if you are the type that wants to hear him say “I love you!” all the time, but he is not the type to do so. And you keep expecting him to say it, and every time he does not say it, you get disappointed and upset. Well, I guess we can always ‘train’ our partner to meet our expectations, but the problem is… it is often difficult to change our partner. It is usually easier if we can adjust our own expectations. :) By picking out the small things that our partner does for us that demonstrates his/her love. And by associating these small and sometimes subconscious actions with love, I will always feel loved. :)

I think there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes, we are just so bombarded by the romance shown on Hollywood and HK movies, that we are led to believe that love is electrifying, love is ground-breaking, love is like fireworks exploding. And when you don’t feel that, you are not in love, or you are not loved. Well, that probably describes the beginning of a courtship. But if we expect things to be that way for the entire 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years of marriage, then… we might be setting ourselves for a great big disappointment.

Because I believe that passionate love or better known as lust is momentary. It is like a great big firework display that might eventually fizzle out. I think.. it is what that continue to brew in a slow cooker, might not be too exciting, but always constant and unfailing… that truly matters.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13)

What do you think? What are your thoughts? Share them with us. :)

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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5 Comments

  1. Single gal /

    Hi there Violet ! Though this may not be relevant to the question u have asked, just wanna ask u to include more of the Best Matches or Worst Matches in your blog because I really enjoyed reading them. I have been reading ur blog for quite sometime and found your blog was quite an eye opener to me !

    Anyway, keep up the good work ! I look forward to more true-life “stories” in the near future yah ?

    Violet: Hi Single gal, thanks for commenting… welcome to my blog! :) Hope you like the new series of ‘Made in Heaven’ as well… will be writing more about my best and worst matches then… have a great weekend! :)

    [Reply]

  2. My theory on women who makes such a big fuss about hearing those 3 words every single day from their spouses is that they suffer from some form of inferiority complex. Either that or they just don’t trust their husbands enough…

    Hi Violet, how’s everything? Sorry for the long absence, I just got my connection back yesterday after being disconnected for a month.

    Violet: Hi Rudy! Welcome back…! Haha… with regards to your theory… hmm, I guess it works for some and it does not work for others… everybody just has to find something that work for them as a couple… :) Glad to see you back…! My stomach is super big now, can’t wait to see my little babe!

    [Reply]

  3. Sharon /

    Hi,

    I totally understand what you are saying. In fact I think the same. As a woman, I believe in being happy with ‘AS AT’. The real meaning is to focus at ‘NOW’. In every relationship, especially earlier part, is filled with strong emotions and attraction. Most people then raise doubts in the relationship and forgot about enjoying the moment.

    Love is a very funny thing, it is subjected to change. I don’t believe that if we leave ‘Love’ as it is, it will stay the same forever. I think that if one really love a man, one will endeavour to adjust own’s expectations without losing dignity and respect.

    Violet: Hi Sharon! Welcome to my blog! :) I like the point that you raised… enjoying the moment. I think that is very important… it’s true, sometimes we are so caught up with things, that we forget to just enjoy the process, the moment… and yes, love involves work too… it’s not as if you can just stay stagnant, and expect it to stay still. Love is a commitment I believe. :)

    [Reply]

  4. Yes, most girls do love to hear those 3 words. If you have asked me that particular question 2 years ago, I’ll have said.. i will prefer to hear it every now and then and even will ask for an answer. But if you have ask me now, I’ll say.. Nope. Action does speak louder than words. Saying it once a while when the moments right or just felt like it (voluntarily) is more true and sincere rather than being prompt by a question.

    Sometimes, what you actually felt is more true than asking your partner for the words that you wanted to hear as he/she will tend to says it for the sake of pleasing you.

    My opinion, search the bottom of your heart for the answer, for you yourself knows better. As time goes by, 6th senses and guts feeling will always lead you to the most sincere answer that you are seeking from your partner.

    Guys, please says it only when you truly mean it.

    [Reply]

  5. Hi Carol,

    Thanks for your comment! :) It’s true, we often know best. And as you say, by searching within ourselves, we will know the truth. Guess the problem is sometimes, we might be in denial. We want so much to see something, that we will ourselves to see it even though it is not there… Anyway, that’s another topic altogether… something I can explore in another blog entry. :)

    [Reply]

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