QQ,QA #5: About Love
“How do you know if you love someone or if someone loves you? Do actions speak louder than words? Maybe sometimes we need to hear the words.”
Went to watch The Prestige last weekend with Jamie. For those of you who have not watched it, you must goÂ see it, it’s one of the best movies we have seen this year. It is about the tale of 2 young magicians who started as friends, but end up as arch enemies.
One of the minor plots of the story is the relationship between Alfred Borden a.k.a. TheÂ ProfessorÂ (played by ChristianÂ Bale)Â and his wife Sarah. The wife will often ask him, “Do you love me?” Alfred will tell her yes every time she asks this question.
Sarah will either reply, “Today, you are telling the truth,” or, “Today, you don’t, and that’s why it makes those days that you do so precious.”
Don’t you find that strange? How is it that on some days, she knows that he loves her, and on other days, she knows that he does not? Well, as the story unfolds, the audience eventually finds out the reason. And the reason is… for those of you who have not watched the show and plan to watch it,Â please do not read on; so that I don’t spoil it for you.
The reason is because… Alfred has a twin brother. AndÂ both of them have been living half lives. So on some day, brother A plays Alfred, and onÂ other days,Â brother B plays Alfred. ButÂ they kept this secret from everybody even from Sarah.
So,Â one of the brothers, let’s call him brother A is actually in love with Sarah. But brother B is not. Hence on days that brother B plays Alfred, SarahÂ knows that Alfred is not telling the truth when he says that he loves her.Â Even though, she never figured out that there were actually two of them.
Coming back to this Installment #5Â of QQ,QA – so how do we know when someone loves you? How does Sarah know that brother B does not love her when he proclaims he does? Is it the way he said it? Or is it the look in his eyes? Is it the emotion conveyed? Or sometimes you just know? And you don’t know exactly why.
I think different people want to be ‘shown’ love differently.
Some people like to hear it everyday, every single time you part ways, or end a phone conversation. Some people feel that it is meaningless as it sort of become another thing you say, like ‘Bye!’ or ‘Talk to you later!’
Personally, I think communication is very important. We have to understand how our partner expresses his/her love.
I think it is futileÂ if you are the type that wants to hearÂ him say “I love you!” all the time, butÂ he is not the type to do so. And you keep expecting him to say it, and every time he does not say it, you get disappointed and upset.Â Well, I guess we can always ‘train’ our partner to meet our expectations, but the problem is… it is often difficult to change our partner. It is usually easier if we can adjust our own expectations. By picking out the small things that our partner does for us that demonstrates his/her love. And by associating these small and sometimes subconscious actions with love, I will always feel loved.
I think there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes, we are just so bombarded by the romance shown on Hollywood and HK movies, that we are led to believe that love is electrifying, love is ground-breaking, love is like fireworks exploding. And when you don’t feel that, you are not in love, or you are not loved. Well, that probably describes the beginning of a courtship. But if we expect things to be that way for the entire 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years of marriage, then… we might be setting ourselves for a great big disappointment.
Because I believe that passionate love or better known as lust is momentary. It is like a great big fireworkÂ display that might eventually fizzle out.Â I think.. it is what that continue to brew in a slow cooker, might not be too exciting, but always constant and unfailing… that truly matters.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13)
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