Torn between Family & Lover

Hi Violet

I found your website by chance 10 mins ago as I was browsing the web looking for some Help since I am soaked into relationship misery. I am not sure if its appropriate writing to you, but guess I am at my desperate end to try this. I am a married woman, with 2 young children. My husband works overseas. I am in a relationship with a colleague for past 2 year plus … before my husband was posted overseas. There is no doubt that there is a communication gap between my spouse and me, that creates chance to accept love from another married man with a child. I have stopped loving my husband, I am just an obliging wife and mother.

The past 2 years had been a coaster ride for me and my colleague (lover). We tried countless times to end the relationship, but we failed as well. Last night I told him about breaking up, and he accepted… But we are feeling so tormented today and filled with anger with each other that we have to come to end this relationship. Seriously both of us are not able to give up our family to be together, as I personally think that the risk is too high and we would cause tremendous hurt to our family members. But keeping both of us separated is driving us crazy… I am so afraid that we will break loose of our self control and dive into something horrendous. Why? Our love is just too deep I guess.

Can you please share some light with me? How I should handle the double life I am having? In my heart I deeply wanted to patch up with my lover, but I know I am heading an endless road, with no road sign and direction… It’s just so torturing :-( I would greatly appreciate any advice from you. Thank you..

From L

 

 


Dear L,

Thank you for confiding in me, and I am sorry I have taken some time to get back to you. Firstly, I think you must analyse why you started an affair in the first place. Is it because you are having problems with your husband? Or is it because there are problems at home and you were looking for someone’s shoulder to cry on? Or is it because after being married for some years, and as things became mundane, you were lured by temptations?

The reason I feel that you have to make an analysis is because, it is only when you can understand the source of the problem, you can solve this. If you have been having problems with your husband from the start, then perhaps you could consider marriage counselling? I understand that your husband has been posted overseas and as a result would not be able to be there for you and your family. However, you must share your feelings with him, or perhaps both of you could work something out i.e. you relocate with your family to be with your husband? Or perhaps could he get a job closer to home?

I understand that you have been trying to break off from your lover for countless times but have not succeeded. I think the problem is… you probably have not found enough reasons to break off from the relationship? First and foremost, I think you should sit down and ponder on the reasons why you should break up with him. You already know that you are causing a lot of hurt to your family, but by listing all the reasons down, you will be able to see the picture a lot clearer.

To increase your chances of success, perhaps you could confide in a close friend who will be your ‘supporter’. When the goings get tough i.e. you feel like calling him… you can call your friend instead.

I am not sure if your husband knows about your affair. If at the moment, he is still in the dark, then you have to decide whether you want to tell him the truth. Sometimes, being totally honest might not be the best decision. However, you need to also consider, what if he finds out from someone else? L, I understand that you must be very confused at the moment. But I would like to urge you to bring a closure to this affair. Even though you might feel that you have no more feelings left for your husband, but to be fair to your family, you have to try to salvage your marriage. I wish you all the best and I hope you will find true happiness soon! Take care!

Sincerely, Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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4 Comments

  1. Very good advice, Violet. :-)

    On a different note, nice to see you blogging again.

    Violet: Hello Rudy! :) Thanks for your encouragement! :) Haha… I have been real inconsistent lately… sorry about that… but thanks for dropping by religiously! Really appreciate it! :)

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  2. Carol Loh /

    Yeah, i totally agree with you, Violet.

    Saving a marriage is always better than pursuing a never ending affair as both parties knows that there would never be an ending to it.

    I always believe that the most important thing is to be clear with your conscience, never regrets once decision is made and take responsibility for the consequence that comes with our decision and action.

    btw, its always send a sense of warmth feeling to me when i get to hear that the mom can feels the baby every movements.. its a very nice feeling for the mother :)

    Violet: Hi Carol! :) Yup, I agree with you. Whatever it is… our conscience has to be clear, and we have to take responsibility for our actions. :)

    Ya, my little babe is moving and moving, kicking very furiously… hehe! :)

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  3. Hi violet,

    totally agreed with all of the above. sometime, love is blind. it is a kind of feeling that human always find difficult to control. No doubt we have to be responsible for whatever decision & action taken. life is unpredictable. i would say, love our family & love our beloved. L doesn’t successfully end the abnormal relationship just because the love among them is so deep. you will never know if you never experience it. i would suggest, take balance between both family & lover. live happily as long as we don neglect anyone. cheer!

    From Wong

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  4. It’s not a good excuse that hubby was posted oversea that L has the right to has an affair with colleague.
    As a wife & mother of kid, should know what’s do and don’t. Since day one L knew tat’s kind of unhealthy relationship with colleague and creates kind of deep feeling and being so emotional as well as hurt her family, why she still make a move in the first place?
    yeah, true, we can’t stop falling in love, being in love and attention for tender loving care. I do believe L’s hubby has given genuine care & love to family eventhough he is working abroad, a man who need to take care of his family, working his ass off for beloved one, end up if knowing his partner is so unfaithful, tat’s utterly unacceptable and hurt!
    L should think wiser for her family instead of herself, if only for time being sense of belonging and love, that’s bit selfish.
    If her colleague can has affair with L, being unfaithful as a married man with a kid, don’t u think he will betray her in the future and do the same thing to her?
    In a marriage / relationship, should have mutual understanding, respect & care for each other; trust is a key word.
    hm…may b L just too boring and lonely for her feeling and emotion, she need someone to rely on.
    If she still can’t solve her problem with hubby, tat’s endless issue and futhermore she creates more problems of having affair out there.
    If she has no more feeling towards her hubby and wanted so badly get together with another man, just go for divorce legally and get the best solotion for everyone!
    Needless to say, L need to take initiave to communicate with her hubby first instead of hiding the secret and keep blaming others. Should solve the ‘internal’ issue then only look at the others impact from outside there.

    Violet: Hey Jo! Thanks for the advice! I agree with you, communication is important in this case to solve the root of the problem…

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