Torn between Family & Lover

Hi Violet

I found your website by chance 10 mins ago as I was browsing the web looking for some Help since I am soaked into relationship misery. I am not sure if its appropriate writing to you, but guess I am at my desperate end to try this. I am a married woman, with 2 young children. My husband works overseas. I am in a relationship with a colleague for past 2 year plus … before my husband was posted overseas. There is no doubt that there is a communication gap between my spouse and me, that creates chance to accept love from another married man with a child. I have stopped loving my husband, I am just an obliging wife and mother.

The past 2 years had been a coaster ride for me and my colleague (lover). We tried countless times to end the relationship, but we failed as well. Last night I told him about breaking up, and he accepted… But we are feeling so tormented today and filled with anger with each other that we have to come to end this relationship. Seriously both of us are not able to give up our family to be together, as I personally think that the risk is too high and we would cause tremendous hurt to our family members. But keeping both of us separated is driving us crazy… I am so afraid that we will break loose of our self control and dive into something horrendous. Why? Our love is just too deep I guess.

Can you please share some light with me? How I should handle the double life I am having? In my heart I deeply wanted to patch up with my lover, but I know I am heading an endless road, with no road sign and direction… It’s just so torturing ūüôĀ I would greatly appreciate any advice from you. Thank you..

From L

 

 


Dear L,

Thank you for confiding in me, and I am sorry I have taken some time to get back to you. Firstly, I think you must analyse why you started an affair in the first place. Is it because you are having problems with your husband? Or is it because there are problems at home and you were looking for someone’s shoulder to cry on? Or is it because after being married for some years, and as things became mundane, you were lured by temptations?

The reason I feel that you have to make an analysis is because, it is only when you can understand the source of the problem, you can solve this. If you have been having problems with your husband from the start, then perhaps you could consider marriage counselling? I understand that your husband has been posted overseas and as a result would not be able to be there for you and your family. However, you must share your feelings with him, or perhaps both of you could work something out i.e. you relocate with your family to be with your husband? Or perhaps could he get a job closer to home?

I understand that you have been trying to break off from your lover for countless times but have not succeeded. I think the problem is… you probably have not found enough reasons to break off from the relationship? First and foremost, I think you should sit down and ponder on the reasons why you should break up with him. You already know that you are causing a lot of hurt to your family, but by listing all the reasons down, you will be able to see the picture a lot clearer.

To increase your chances of success, perhaps you could confide in a close friend who will be your ‘supporter’. When the goings get tough i.e. you feel like calling him… you can call your friend instead.

I am not sure if your husband knows about your affair. If at the moment, he is still in the dark, then you have to decide whether you want to tell him the truth. Sometimes, being totally honest might not be the best decision. However, you need to also consider, what if he finds out from someone else? L, I understand that you must be very confused at the moment. But I would like to urge you to bring a closure to this affair. Even though you might feel that you have no more feelings left for your husband, but to be fair to your family, you have to try to salvage your marriage. I wish you all the best and I hope you will find true happiness soon! Take care!

Sincerely, Violet

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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