A Matter of Trust

The weirdest thing happened today.

Someone called the office, and spoke to one of my dating consultants.

"My boyfriend B is a member of yours. He would like to put his membership on hold. He's too busy to call, that's why I am calling on his behalf."

"I am sorry but may I know who this is on the line?"

"My name is G."

"Are you a member of ours?"

"No."

"I am sorry but I am not able to assist you. If a member would like to put his or her membership on hold, he or she must call us directly to do so."

Ok, couple of minutes later, B called up.

"I am calling with regards to my girlfriend's call.

So, we assisted B to put his membership on hold. Then 10 minutes later, G called again. 

"So, has my boyfriend called you?"

I don't know about you, but I found the entire incident absolutely bizarre. It seems to me that G is quite insecure? Or G just does not trust B? Trust is such a big issue in a relationship. How do we learn to trust? Especially if we have had a horrid experience! Jamie told me that I took a long time to finally trust him. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me. As a result, I find it difficult to trust men. It does not help that I know of many people who has cheated on their girlfriends or wives. Hence, I am always weary of girls that he hangs out with or girls that call him out. Especially during the long distance part of our relationship, I think I almost went crazy.

It is difficult for a relationship to grow if there's no trust. Yet how do we increase trust? For example, how can I trust Jamie more? Do I enforce that he does not meet up with other women? Or do I enforce that he must tell me about his every move? I mean if he does it out of his own initiative, that's great! But I should not enforce it on him. In spite of what we think, or what we wish, we cannot "own" another person. Even someone who is married has the right to make his or her own choices.

We can't make him/her do anything. We can only look for trust within ourselves. We need to see things from a different perspective – that only I can be in control of MYSELF. I cannot be in control of someone else's life. We can't place our well-being in someone else's hands. We cannot live thinking, "I will be happy if he does this or if he does not do that." Taking responsibility for our own actions empowers us. Trying to make others responsible burdens us.

Back to my story, I learnt to trust again. Because I realized that it was not fair that I blame Jamie for all the other people's shortcomings. I should take responsibility for my relationship, and I decided to judge him based on who he is and has been to me, rather than my past experiences. Learning to trust is not easy. But at least it's better than not trusting. *Share with me your thoughts!

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6 Comments

  1. Yes, trust takes a long time to gain and give. Often, it takes trust to be given before it can be gained.

    Ditto to being the owners of our own happiness. Not easy, though, especially when your happiness hingest on the happiness of another person as well. 🙂

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  2. Trust is the hardest thing you can give to a relationship. Sadly, it is easier to ‘mistrust’ than to trust a person.

    It seems that the word has become a precious commodity these days…

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  3. iblogme – I agree with your point… trust has to be given before it can be gained. It boils down to the fact that we cannot control someone else’s lives or choices, and we can only control our own. So we can choose to trust, but cannot force someone else to trust us.

    For the situation when our happiness hinges on someone else’s, we can take ownership by contributing to the person’s happiness, or to limit the association to areas where we can actually make a difference to. 🙂

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  4. Rudy!!!

    Don’t lose hope!

    I think I will have to disagree with you there… I feel that it’s easier to trust than to mistrust. By trusting we are empowering ourselves, and as a result freeing ourselves.

    By mistrusting, we are actually putting more burden on ourselves, clouding our thoughts, and poisoning our hearts.

    Perhaps sometimes by mistrusting, we are protecting ourselves. By thinking that this person would eventually ‘betray’ us, we can tell ourselves, “See, I told you so!” It’s like a defence mechanism.

    And sometimes, it might even backfire! If the other party feels that either way you are not going to trust me, then why should I make an effort to make you trust me? I might as well just live up to your ‘expectations’!

    Personally, I feel that if we cannot have the capacity to trust… we are not giving ourselves or the other person a fair chance. And we will always wonder ‘what if’.

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  5. Oh don’t get me wrong violet, I trust people easily in fact. It’s just that sometimes they fail us and that is what irritates me. Oh well, I’ve reached that age when I can be very cynical about things so I just let it be… LOL! 😀

    You’re right about people who do not trust others easily, it is a defense mechanism used primarily to avoid getting hurt.

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  6. Rudy, get what you mean… but try not to be so cynical ok? 🙂

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