Letting Go and Moving On

Some friends might say… what do you know about letting go? Your life has almost been perfect. Haha… I will not deny that I have not had a rough life compared to some other people. But I have had my fair share of ups and downs. And many a times, I feel that is the way you look at the situation that can change the tide.

“It is not the circumstance that determines your experience in life, but your perspective that does.”

I remember the break-up with my first ex. It was an excruciating experience. I was depressed. My weight plummeted. Well, not such a bad thing I guess. My weight has never gone to that new low ever again. I was moping around so much that my mum was getting worried about me. And seeing her so upset, upset me even further! I even wore one week of ‘black’ to mourn my loss. My goodness, I can’t believe that I did all those things then. But, well – I did. And the thought that I had was, “I don’t think I will ever meet someone who is as good as him.” And I continued to mope.

How did I get out of depression? Wonderful friends help. Meeting new people help.

My second break-up was a lot easier. I still was depressed for a while. But I bounced back quickly. And I remember making a conscious decision of letting go and moving on.

Maybe it is that decision that enables my second ex and I to still be friends. It is also that decision that allowed me to move on to my third relationship and start on a white sheet, with no burdens or baggage.

A couple of days ago, Girlfriend told me she wants to die. She told me she wanted no other than him. She feels terrible.

I told Girlfriend. Perhaps you want to be in this state.

And she said… yes, to a certain extend, she enjoys being in this situation, because by hurting for him, it makes her feel good. Think girlfriend is in no state to move on… because she’s deriving too much pleasure from moping for him. I guess in a way, even by moping for him, she feels closer to him.

I am at a loss of words actually. I did not really know what to say to Girlfriend. Perhaps the only advice I can offer is, the advice I a friend gave me in the past.

It is ok to mope and depressed for a while. Stay as long as you need in “the well”… but not too long because the world is going to pass you by. You might even start to feel very comfortable down there, as you are so used to the darkness and dampness of it all. You might even begin to think what’s so great of the outside world, too bright, too sunny.

But as you see someone dropping you a rope to get you out, maybe it is really time to hold on to the rope, and move on.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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12 Comments

  1. A good friend (he’s a clinical psychologist in the States)told me that giving yourself a ‘mourning’ period is good coz it flushes out the depression out of your system.

    It’s like tiring yourself out until you get sick and tired of thinking about that person… when you have too much of something (whether food, hobbies, etc.) you get tired and move on to another.

    It’s probably the reason why I never had a hard time adjusting after my separation, I just got tired..

    Am I making any sense here? LOL!! :D

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  2. Haha, you are actually. Think it’s good to mourn too. It’s sort of like a ‘detox’. But what worries me is when people are so comfortable with the state that it actually gives them so much pleasure that they do not see the ‘pain’.

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  3. Absolutely agree.

    And hey, what a timely coincidence. I’m going to touch on this similar topic too in my Spring Cleaner Series – Part 1 in my blog soon, very soon hee hee ;p

    [Reply]

  4. I guess some people are stronger than the others and are capable of weathering a ‘traumatic’ experience by themselves…

    But as they say, time heals all wounds. If not then… boy, you need help! LOL! :D

    [Reply]

  5. Anonymous /

    Hello Violet, just to let you know i love to read your blogs!

    [Reply]

  6. Kloudiia – thanks for dropping by. Looking forward to read your post. :)

    [Reply]

  7. Rudy -

    I agree, some people are stronger than others. I guess for the rest of us, is to give them the right support for them to move on. :)

    [Reply]

  8. Dear Anonymous :)

    Thanks for your support..! Do drop by again! :)

    Sincerely,
    Violet

    [Reply]

  9. Single Again /

    Letting go and moving on was what i had to do after ending a 9 year old marriage with my first love and suffered tremendously emotionally for about 6 months. Some great lessons learnt :
    1. staying angry with a person only makes me suffer, why would i be that stupid?
    2. to be able to fully let go is not easy but not impossible. support and understanding from family and friends helps a lot
    3. new confidence in life breads and attracts opportunities
    4. never give up on yourself, no matter what
    5. everything happens for a reason, a good reason

    Now, i am very much at peace and am able to see a clearer picture of what future holds. My relationship with my ex-hubby has never been more transparent and comfortable. From a ‘husband and wife’ relationship, it has transformed into a ‘best of friends’ relationship!

    Soon, it will be time for me to look at possibly getting into a new love relationship again. Perhaps all I’ll need to do is to pay a visit to Lunch Actually for a consultation ….

    [Reply]

  10. Hi Single Again,

    Welcome to my blog! I agree with you… everything happens for a reason, and the reason will usually serve us.

    Am very happy that you hvae managed to let go of the past, your anger and moved on. :)

    Feel free to give us a call to find out more about what we do! :)

    [Reply]

  11. Single Again /

    Hi Violet,

    How’s your baby getting on? Mine’s 5 and 7. Both boys. Have always wanted a girl! :)

    Been to your place actually, about a month before my divorce was finalised and had a short session with your colleague. Quite impressive. Only thing was that at that time, I have yet to qualify as a single! :)

    Now that I do qualify, I have not given it much thought. Perhaps it was the impression given that above 30+ years old, there is no guarantee of dates! Anyway, guess it would be interesting to go back to dating again … maybe …

    In the mean time, have a great week ahead and take good care of yourself and baby.

    Cheers and hugs.

    [Reply]

  12. Hi Single Again,

    Baby is doing well. He’s gaining weight, and I am losing weight. Haha! With all the night feeds. :) For you is probably… been there, done that. :)

    Thanks for your well wishes, and take care!

    Sincerely,
    Violet

    [Reply]

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