With or Without Kids

Ever heard of the saying – “Both your spouse and your children are your assets, but remember this – your children are only leasehold properties, whilst your spouse is your freehold property”?

I am not saying that you have to carve out your heart i.e. 50% of your love go to your spouse, 20% go to Child A, 20% go to Child B etc. But what I AM saying is – give priority to your spouse as well, once you have kids.

Some seem to think that having children after the first few years of marriage is a logical next step, as eventually you will run out of things to say to your spouse, so at least you have the children as your “focal point”.

My question is – then what are you going to do when your children leave the nest to lead their own lives. Some cheeky friends have replied – “Oh, don’t worry – you can start focusing on their love lives, their marriages, and their children.”

Personally, I feel that it’s extremely important to date your spouse, even after you have been married for years, and even when you have kids. It’s a matter of priority. Set out a few hours each week, perhaps a Friday night, or a Saturday afternoon – to spend time with each other (without the kids), to find out how each other’s week went, focus on your relationship with your spouse in that couple of hours and not talk about the kids.

I am not a marriage counsellor of course, but I just think it is sad if we cannot have a meaningful marriage if we do not have kids.

Choose your partner wisely then – for what if you and your spouse do not manage to have kids? Then you are stuck with someone whom you will eventually bore of after a while as there’s no so-called ‘focal point’.

Choose someone whom you know you can date for the next 60 years, with or without children.

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Violet Lim

VIOLET LIM is a real-life modern matchmaker who has founded Asia's leading lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com). Violet is the bestselling author of the dating book 'Lessons From 15,000 First Dates'. She is also an acknowledged dating and relationship expert who has been featured on more than 1000 media coverage including ABC News 20/20, Bloomberg, CNBC Asia, CNN Go, Channel News Asia, USA Today, TV Tokyo and Singapore’s National Day Video 2005 as one of Singapore’s most aspiring people. Violet is happily married to her university sweetheart Jamie and they have two young children.

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