This is the 3rd and last part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series and click here to read the second part of this series.

Secret No. 3: Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

I am sure many of you who are based in Singapore would remember this TV ad – Beautifully Imperfect. If you cannot remember it, you can watch it here.

Many people go into marriage thinking everything will be perfect. Sometimes, I think it is bad that we try to make our wedding perfect. After such 'perfection', some people go into their marriage having an expectation that everything will be perfect and their marriage will be a bed of roses. But since we are humans, we can never be perfect. If two imperfect people come together, there are sure to be some imperfections along the way.

I love this story that my friend told me about her friend X. So what happened was, X kept trying to change her husband. Her husband had a bad habit of discarding his clothes on the floor after he takes them off. And this would really annoy her a lot. And they will end up quarreling. So after years of trying to change her husband, she finally decided to change herself. She decided to accept her husband for he is, and discarding his clothes on the floor is something that he will always do. It does not mean that he is a bad husband or a bad father. I thought that was pretty hilarious I first heard this story, or maybe it was because my friend was a really animated storyteller. As extreme as this story might sound, sometimes it is just as simple as that. 

Sometimes, we just need to embrace our partner's imperfections.

Back to me. I have so many flaws. I think if I were to write them all down, it's going to take up too much space. And my hubby Jamie too has his little imperfections which I don't think would be nice for me to reveal in public space. The way we have been able to live harmoniously, at least 90% of the time is to embrace these imperfections, and these imperfections will even grow on us.

Ok, I will let you in on a little secret. I drool when I sleep. YES, I DO! Some of you might be thinking… "EEEKKKSS!" I know, I know… I wish I could find a way to stop this. But apparently, it has to do with the structure of my mouth. Anyway, Jamie can either complain about how my drool is all over the pillows, or he could create a cute little pet name for me based on this imperfection. I am sure you can guess what he did.

So here you have it, my 3 little secrets to a happy marriage:

1. Choosing the Right Mate

2. Agreeing on Money Matters Early

3. Embracing Each Other's Imperfections

If you are married, what are you own little secrets? Do share them with us!

As the saying goes, 'a picture speaks a thousand words'… I shall let the photos do the talking…!

We were warmly welcomed at the airport. Our transport for the next few days will be the minivan! From the airport to the hotel, managed to capture some street scene of HK!

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When we arrived at The Mira (the gorgeous hotel that we are putting up for the next 3 nights, we were warmly welcomed by their hospitality team.

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And when I got into my room, I was suitably impressed!

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And being the gadget-crazy person I am, I simply love all the gadgets in the room!

1) Do you see the mobile phone below? It's a mobile phone that you can bring with you wherever you go and if someone calls you at the hotel, you can pick up the call even though you are out shopping! How cool is that?

2) And there is a super big flat screen which is connected to a PC, and you can use it to go online!

3) Check out the wireless keyboard. So you can access the Internet from the comfort of your bed!

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Love the hotel that we are staying in. It's so cozy and comfortable that sometimes, I contemplate staying in rather than going out!

This is the 2nd part to this series. Click here to read the first part of this series.

Secret No. 2: Agreeing on Money Matters Early

This might see like a very practical and non-love related issue, and you might seem surprise that this is my 2nd secret to a happy marriage.

But do you know that a frequent conflict over finances is a top predictor for divorce? Hence, after choosing the right mate, it is very important that you and your other half actually have very clear expectations about money matters. 

Even before I got married or met Jamie, I knew that when I get married, I would like for my husband and I to have combined finances. I think this has a lot to do with my upbringing. My parents both have their own small businesses. However, they pool all their resources together. I still can vividly remember that whenever my dad comes home with the money he has collected from his clients, he would pass all his money to my mum for safekeeping, and would only keep a small portion for his daily expenses. And I still can remember that when my dad and I go for movies together on Sundays, he would usually ask for money from my mum. For some men, they might be turned off by such a thought. But I knew the reason behind it. My dad knew that my mum was much better at accumulating and saving money. Thus, he passes all his money to her. Hence, even from my earliest memory, I do not recall my parents ever arguing about money, as everything is simply shared.

Therefore, when Jamie and I were dating, I shared with him my financial philosophy. He was rather shocked at first  I must say. But after understanding where I am coming from, the idea eventually grew on him and he eventually agreed to it. Hence, currently, all our accounts are joined. We pool all our resources together. And that is the reason, we do not argue about money. We do not need to decide on who pays for the meal, who pays for the housing installment, or who pays for the kids' education, or how much we have to put towards our joint account (should it be based on who earns more or should it be equal?)

What is his is mine, and what is mine is his. 

Is this something that works for everybody? Probably not.

But the point I am trying to get at is that,

It is very important that you talk about money and agree on certain guidelines before you get married.

Couples who attend pre-marriage counselling would have covered the topic of marriage and finance, but couples who do not attend pre-marriage courses might not really know what they getting themselves into. It is absolutely vital and important to understand each other's values when it comes to money.

Even if you and your partner have different values, it is good to know where both parties are coming from so you can think of ways to resolve potential problems before the problem becomes too big a problem to resolve.

(This is part 2 of a 3 part series. Sign up for my updates using the Subscribe Form on the left sidebar to be informed of the subsequent installments)

Jamie and I dated for 5 years before we tied the knot. And this year, we will be celebrating our 5th year anniversary! So all in all, we have been together for 10 years. I think this is definitely a momentous milestone for us.

Many friends have asked me, "Violet, what is the secret to a happy marriage? You and Jamie look happy all the time! What's your secret?"

Hence, I thought I would take this opportunity to share my 'secrets' with you!

Secret No 1: Choosing the Right Mate

This is the most crucial factor. Because if you choose the wrong person, it is going to be an uphill task trying to make things right subsequently in the marriage. If you choose the right person, you are 50% on your way!

Doesn't sound difficult does it? Choosing the right mate. The problem is, a lot of us are choosing based on the wrong criteria. I myself have been guilty of this. We make our 'list' and it usually includes superficial criteria such as 'height, body build, social status, educational level etc.' I understand that these criteria help with the filtering process, but more importantly, I challenge you to think of your criteria in a different way.

"Would having 'this quality' make a good husband/good wife and good dad/mum?"

So for example, if you are a lady, you would then ask, "Would he being 1.75m make him a good husband?"

Or if you are a guy, the question would be, "Would she being beautiful like a model make her a better mother?"

The next series of questions would be,

"Can you foresee yourself growing old with him/her? Can you imagine sitting side by side with him/her on a garden bench when both your hands and faces are wrinkled?"

I am sure when you enter a relationship, you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. If you cannot stomach the thought of spending the next 50 years with the same person, chances are, he/she is not the right person.

My third question to you is,

"Do you even like him/her? Is he/she your best friend? Are you able to share your deepest and darkest secrets with him/her? If given a choice, would you like to spend 24 hours/7 days a week with him/her?"

Jamie and I spend almost 24 hours with each other. We work together, and at work we sit opposite one another. We lunch together on most days if we do not have lunch appointments. He is my best friend. And every night, after we have put the kids to bed, we will wind down sitting on the sofa in our room, he with his hot chrysanthemum tea, and me with my hot green tea, just talking about our day, and planning for the next day.

I really do not understand people who leave work as early as possible in the morning, and go home as late as possible at night, not because they are fooling around outside, but they are trying to minimize spending too much time with their spouse. To me, that's just crazy. I understand that not every couple out there are as sticky as us. However, I think it is important that you actually like each other's company. Because if not, what is the point? Hence, it is so important to choose the right person, because when that happens, making your marriage work becomes much easier!

(This is part 1 of a 3 part series. Sign up for my updates using the Subscribe Form on the left sidebar to be informed of the subsequent installments)

Dearest Readers,

To those of you who have voted for me in the Singapore Blog Awards 2010, a big big thank you to you…!  

I won!!!

The presentation ceremony was held at Movida, St James Power Station. And by the time I got there, the place was packed. Looking around, I felt rather old… as the crowd looks really young.

Am really honoured to be the winner as there are some really great blogs being featured in the same category – 'Most Insightful Blog'.

When I first registered for this contest, I had no idea what the prizes are… so this is actually the biggest surprise when I received my prizes…

The prizes consist of:

1) Asus Eee PC Netbook

2) A trip to HK sponsored by Hong Kong Tourism Board

3) A 3 days 2 nights hotel stay in Phuket

I am actually blogging this entry from my new netbook! Have always wanted a netbook!

And am looking forward to the HK trip. I actually agreed to take part in the 'bath tub' race which is part of the dragon boat race. I am not sure what I have gotten myself into! Well, I will definitely blog about it and tell you more.

Anyway, here's one of the few photos I took at the ceremony today. Me holding up my trophy!

More S'poreans open to online dating, matchmaking

By Hetty Musfirah | Posted: 24 June 2010 1827 hrs

SINGAPORE: A regional dating survey of singles in Singapore, Malaysia and Hong Kong has found that Singaporeans are the most open to the idea of online matchmaking and dating. 

To ride on the trend, a unique online initiative has been launched. 

(Article extracted from Channel News Asia)

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After working on this project for months, our latest 'baby' is born! eSynchrony is a hybrid dating service that offers the best of online and 'offline' dating, We launched the website officially today in Singapore.  

… read more of the news article here!

Rani: Is it possible for a long-distance relationship to work? My boyfriend is on a 2-year stint in the US and although he visits during major occasions, I feel that the distance is somehow making us grow apart.

Yes. And I’m a living testament . My husband and I had a long-distance relationship for 2 and a half years when I was studying overseas. At the end of the day, it’s about mutual trust and also making the effort to ensure your relationship stays strong.

One of the most important things is to establish a timeline – knowing when the long-distance element of the relationship will end and you’ll be in a normal relationship again. Being apart doesn’t mean that you cannot do things together. For example, you can still play games online to stay connected.

First appeared in herworld.com

Michelle: I find it really hard to open up my feelings to my boyfriend of 5 years. Sure, we talk a lot, but it’s all fluff and nothing about our future as a couple. What’s wrong with me and how can I open up without it turning awkward?

The best relationships are those where the husband and wife are each other’s best friend. If you find it hard to open up your feelings to your boyfriend now, your relationship might be heading for disaster in the long run. You want to be able to pour your heart out to your future partner.

Or maybe it’s just talking about marriage that you find difficult? Many women find this difficult because they’re afraid to “lose face”. Or they’re afraid if they push too hard, the man will run. You’ve gone out with him for 5 years, I don’t think you want to go out with him for another 5 years with no commitment set in place. Start out with some open-ended questions like “Where do you see our relationship going?” At the end of the day, you have to share with him how you feel. And if he’s not responsive, you really might want to re-evaluate your relationship with him.

First appeared in herworld.com

Li-ann: My fiance and I have been discussing our future family life together. One of the things we can't agree on is my work – he wants me to be a full-time housewife. How do I convince him that I can still be a good wife, mother and career woman?

Many times, people have certain expectations due to their upbringing. Chances are your fiancé’s mum could have been a full-time housewife and he grew up having his mum there for him all the time. Or, his mum was a career woman and he felt that she was never there for him, and doesn’t want the same for his children. Try to see things from his point of view and where he’s coming from. Perhaps you could suggest to him to let you give it a go – to balance your roles as a good wife, mother and career woman. But, you must also be open to making some adjustments if eventually you’re not able to cope as well as you thought you would. After all, a marriage is about give and take.

First appeared in herworld.com

DaFG=Dating Advice for Guys

Time flies. Before you know it, we are approaching the middle of 2010. And you think to yourself, where has the year gone? One of your New Year resolutions is to meet the girl of your dreams, and you do not seem to be getting anywhere. It is not that you are not meeting new people. You are! But… there’s always a “But”.

Here is a useful guide to look out for the 4 signs that indicate that you should really de-clutter your dating life and dating style before it is too late!

Sign #1: Your female friends and colleagues refuse to introduce their female friends to you.

You might read this and shrug. You might even laugh it off. But this is a rather telling sign. Do you know that the most preferred way for people to meet is through mutual friends? And it is also one of the most common methods that people meet their special someone. So if your network of female friends is writing you off from their books, do you know how much you are missing out on? My guess is the reason they are writing you off is they are rather put off by your behavior or your attitude towards dating.

What you can do: Therefore, rather than just laugh, ask them why. Why wouldn’t they introduce you to their female friends? It could be the way you dress. The way you talk. Or maybe just the way you treat them. You can get BIG insights to what you are doing wrong. Ask them how you could turn yourself around so that they feel you are introduction-worthy. Many guys make the mistake of boxing their female friends and colleagues as non-romantic interests; hence they do not need to make any extra effort with these female friends. Perhaps it’s time you readjust your classification. See them as your resource – people who could possibly introduce you to the girl of your dreams!

Sign #2: When you muster enough courage and walk across the room to approach a girl, you catch her giving her friend the ‘Oh no, not him!’ look.

We all know that look. It could be a crestfallen look, as they were hoping that it was your cute and eligible friend walking over. Or it could be a pitying look because they think you are way out of their league. If you are cast off even before you have struck up a conversation, chances are you have a presentation problem. You do not come across as confident or attractive enough. It could be your dressing, or your hairstyle, or your demeanor in general.

What you can do: Do a personal style assessment. If you have some spare cash, hire an image consultant. If not, gather a few friends and ask them to give you some brutally honest opinion on your physical outlook, your grooming and your dressing. Of course, gather friends whom you think have a better fashion sense than you. Most male magazines would have fashion tips. Look at what the latest trends are, and update your wardrobe and your style. A good haircut also makes a great difference!

Sign #3: Your dates never answer your phone calls or reply your SMSes after the first date.

You asked her out for a first date and she agreed. In your opinion, the date went well. She appeared attentive and interested. You thought you did all the right things. You try to impress her by telling her more about yourself. However, when you call her after that fateful date, she never returns your call, and she never replies to your SMSes. And you just don’t understand. Because you thought she was really keen. Well, chances are you are missing out on all the ‘small things’ that women find important. Or you might be overdoing some things.

What you can do: Do a date audit trail. Try to recall blow-by-blow what happened during the first date. Were you rude to the waiter? Did you talk too much about yourself that you come across as a bragger? Were you considerate and let her order first? Were you on time? Did you offer to pick up the tab? Did you offer to send her home, or at least walk her to the cab stand? Some of these things might seem insignificant to you. But like it or not, these actions can either help you gain extra brownie points or end your potential romance prematurely.

Sign #4: Your dates always eventually sheepishly ask you to introduce them to your seemingly more confident best friend. And they thank you for being such a nice guy.

You go on a few dates together, and in your opinion, things are going well. You are always thoughtful and courteous. You try to please her as much as you can. But somewhere in the 3^rd or 4^th date, she tells you that you are a really nice guy and they would love to be friends. You always end up in the ‘Friend Zone’.  There’s a Chinese saying, “If men are not ‘bad boys’, women would not love them.” The problem with being too nice is women would perceive that you are of a lower value, hence you are trying to bribe them. Women like men who are confident, who believe in themselves, who carry themselves well. And these are some qualities that the ‘bad boys’ possess.

What you can do: Stop trying to be a pleaser. It just does not work. Observe how your ‘bad boys’ friends behave around women. See how confident they are, and how women flock to them like moth to fire. I am not encouraging bad behavior, but I am encouraging you to be more decisive, to be more confident. Know what you want, and go out and get it. Women are attracted to men who are driven and ambitious.

You might see yourself in one of the four scenarios, or you might even see yourself in more than one category. One of the keys to being a successful dater is being aware of your strengths and your limitations, and work on improving your ‘inner game’.

Have fun taking stock of your dating lifestyle, and happy dating!

First appeared in New Man magazine, Malaysia.

Vishak: I am a 35-year-old expat with no boyfriend. I'm seriously considering asking my company for a transfer to another country. I love it here in Singapore but I find that there aren't enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me.

I think it’s quite interesting that you said “there aren’t enough confident men to ask out single successful women like me”. Many of my female clients are single and successful career women. And most of them are strong-willed, driven and aggressive. This is what I tell them, “Men are looking to marry women, not men!”

Unfortunately, the same skills that you have acquired and adopted to climb up the corporate ladder don’t necessarily bring you very far in the dating game. I suggest that you leave the fist-thumping back in the board room, and rediscover your feminine side. I always say to my female clients, “You do not always have to have the last say! You are on a date, not a debate!” I’m not asking you to play dumb, I’m merely asking you to revel in your femininity. Enjoy the chase. Enjoy being a woman. In fact, it’s our privilege! Change your perspective, and you will suddenly realize that there are many eligible and confident men around you after all.

First published in herworld.com

If you are looking for a serious relationship, there are 2 categories of men you should avoid. The time wasters and the players. In Part 1 & 2, we have talked about the time wasters. In Part 3, we are going to discuss the player.

Category 2: Players

This is the ideal type of man to date if all you want to do is have lots of dates and do lots of fun things with them.  The player is someone who has a strong need to be surrounded by beautiful women, so he will put all of his time and effort into pursuing different women who meet his high standards of beauty, intelligence, and other superficial characteristics he decides are important. 

He knows how to flatter a woman, make her feel good, and get her to swoon over him in so many different ways.  Yes, the player is a charming and interesting man who understands how to treat a woman very well for the sole purpose of getting her to stay “hooked” on him and continue giving him what he wants in the relationship.  She may think he has her wants and needs at heart, but the reality is he only cares about her needs just enough so that he can get her to continue fulfilling his needs.  In other words, he doesn’t really care about her; rather, he cares about making sure she is focused on doing what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants.

A man who is a player will spend most of his time focused on trying to “conquer” a particular woman; it’s the thrill of the chase that he’s after, and only the chase holds his excitement an and interest for any length of time.  Because of his, a player is usually not interested in any kind of a commitment; in fact, he’ll actively avoid any woman who shows even the slightest sign of wanting something more than just a casual dating relationship.

A player doesn’t put a lot of thought into what the woman is experiencing, either.  For instance, he’s not interested in identifying her needs and attempting to fill them in any way; rather, he’s interested in making sure she pays attention to his needs and that she focuses on meeting them as much as possible.  In other words, it’s all about him.  Period.

Some advice on how to avoid players…

Practice enlightened equality. Do not play mind games or indulge in emotional blackmailing. And do not take his games. A strong and lasting relationship is built on mutual respect and trust, not on games.

And last but not least, appreciate and respect the characteristics of the nice guys such as sincerity, stability and loyalty. They may not be as fun, exciting, intriguing or suave. But these are the qualities that would make a relationship work in the long run.

Remember: Smart woman only date the marrying type!

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This is the end of this 3 part series of 'Are you dating the marrying type?'